Nicole's Notions

Is pregnancy sexy?

2009-09-18T11:43:00.001-04:00

I read this blog faithfully every time there is a new post. Today's post was simply a link to something the author had written about a new commercial for "HOTmilk Lingerie."

http://www.imperfectparent.com/mominatrix/sexy-and-pregnant/823_1/

I know everyone has different feelings of their pregnant body. I personally do feel extremely attractive, even sexy while pregnant. When I am not sporting my big baby bump, I usually have very low self esteem and never think of myself as an attractive woman. Yet, while pregnant, I feel as if I am the most beautiful woman in the world. My husband, tells me he thinks I am beautiful all the time pregnant or not, but when I am pregnant, he just seems more attracted to me. It is like once I hit the 3rd trimester he can't stop staring and drooling, LOL. Which of course, helps boost my self esteem as well. I find the pregnant body to be absolutely stunning. Absolutely sexy.

Anyway, what are your thoughts? Now that all of us have big bellies, how are you feeling about your self? Do you think lingerie marketed for pregnant women is a good idea? Or do you find it kinda sick?

Just looking for others thoughts to make sure I am not just a complete freak.

Thomas' 1st Day of Preschool.

2009-09-09T20:53:00.003-04:00

9/9/09 A day a will never forget. My oldest baby went to school. He goes Mon, Wed, and Fri 12-2:30, in the same preschool, in the same classroom, with the same teacher, I had 18 years ago.
Thomas was so excited this morning and asked to go to school starting at 7:30 this morning. Finally at 11 a.m. I let him get dressed. At 11:45 we were headed out the door.

At 11:55 we arrived at the church, his school is in. He looked both ways and crossed the parking lot and started walking super fast to the door, careful to turn and make sure I was still following behind him.

We stopped at the door to snap another photo,

and went to find room #2.

Finally Mrs. Bast and Mrs. Bell opened the classroom doors, had the boys and girls line up and the parents sign them in. Each student had to find an apple with their name on the apple tree posted on the door. Thomas' immediately grabbed the one that said "Thomas" and placed it in the basket he was told to put it in.

When 1st going into the classroom the kids were told to play. Thomas' immediately ran to the pretend kitchen to play, mommy's favorite spot 18 years ago. And to think, the same exact kitchen set is still there!

Then he went and played cars.

Out of the corner of his eye he spotted the play dough on the table. He was beyond thrilled, especially with all the toys that went with the play dough.

Mrs. Bast was right there to help him when he got stuck with the rolling pin and cookie cutters.

Then it was story time. Thomas sat on his mat patiently while everyone settled down.

After "The Mouse who went to school," the kids were called two at a time to the rest room to wash their hands and get ready for snack time. Thomas stayed on his mat until he was called, washed his hands, threw his paper towel in the trash and found his "snack mat"

All the kids were asked to wait for everyone to sit before eating with their hands folded. Thomas' kept trying to eat his crackers.

Thomas was one of the only two students who finished all his milk and both graham crackers.

After snack the kids went back to their mats and sang two interactive songs, which the parents participated in.

Then it was time for the "Weekly Reader," a two page flyer where the kids had to describe what was in the pictures. Then Thomas got his wish granted. All day long he had been asking if he was going to get homework. And he got two sheets of homework. He has to find the objects found in a class room and color a picture of a pencil. If he brings them back on Friday he will get two stickers. Then it was time to leave. Thomas ran to both teachers said thank you and told them he will see them Friday. On the way out I snapped one last photo of my school-boy.

I have never been more proud, happy, and sad at any point in my life. Still, I cannot believe how hard it was to see him in a classroom setting. I am just so amazed that for the last 4 years, I have been his sole care taker and from here on out, teachers will be there to help mold the person he will be as an adult. I love this boy so much and it hurts to see him move on to this stage in his life. I just have to face it. My baby is growing up.

Oh! And because Thomas' birthday was Sunday, he gets to celebrate on Monday in school! We have to bring in cupcakes for all the kids! I am so excited! Then September 21st he gets to go on his 1st field trip, Apple picking!

Man I love my boy.

Happy Birthday Thomas.

2009-09-06T11:05:00.003-04:00

Happy 4th birthday my sweet baby boy. You are no longer a baby, but you will always be in my eyes.

That's right. My Thomas turns 4 today. Four years ago, I woke up unsure that it was time. Finally I realized it was in fact time and off to the hospital I went. After a few hours of labor, and 45 minutes of pushing, out he came at 2:43 p.m. on Tuesday September 6th. He was this little defenseless being who relied on me for everything. Without me, he would never have survived. Without an adult, no newborn can survive. He needed me to keep him fed, changed and clean. He needed me to teach him to be a person.

Now.. Now he is 4 years old. He can speak his needs on his own. He no longer needs someone to figure out what it is he needs. When he is hungry or thirsty he either helps himself or gets me to help him out. He no longer needs to wait for me to figure it out. When he is dirty, he will run to the restroom and wash up himself. Or he will tell me he needs a shower, "because his feet are dirty" and then proceed to wash himself. He no longer needs me to rock him to sleep. He can now tell me he is tired, go into his room, climb into bed himself and fall asleep. He no longer needs me to tell him it's time to start the day. He gets up on his own and tell me now. He will no longer rely on me to teach him everything he will ever need to know. On Wednesday, he starts his school career and will now have other adults to teach and guide him.

I am not ready to let go and let him start being on his own. Yes, I know it is only preschool and it is only 7.5 hours a week, but this is a new beginning. This is the start of him having his own life. A life not including myself or his Daddy.

No I do not want to shelter him from the world and everything in it, but I am not ready to let him see it yet either.

It is time for me to realize my baby is no longer a baby and is now in fact a child ready to fly on his own a bit. At least for now, it will only be him fluttering around the nest and not leaving for good anytime soon.

I love this boy so much. Happy 4th Birthday Thomas.

Thank You Kara!

2009-08-18T11:18:00.003-04:00

Just wanted to publicly thank you on this blog here as well.
I received the box of maternity clothes, and love every single item in there!
Also, I cannot believe everything in there fits me perfectly.

Kara, from the very bottom of my heart, I thank you.

The light at then end of the tunnel

2009-08-12T18:15:00.002-04:00

Tom starts work tomorrow! In the union! It seems every time I get excited about this, he only works for a week and then is laid off again, so lets hope and pray that this is it and he is back to work for good!

Let's hope we can finally catch up.
Let's hope we can find an apartment within our budget.
Let's hope we can pay Thomas' 1st tuition in time.
Let's hope we can pay our electric bill before it is turned off.
Let's hope we can make our car payment before it is repo'd.
Let's hope we can afford Thomas' 4th birthday party.
Let's hope we can do all this before Bailey makes her entrance.

Let's hope this is it.
Let's hope this is the sun shining through, and not a train wreck waiting to happen, again.

He's so jealous.

2009-08-02T21:13:00.003-04:00

Collin that is. I am no longer allowed to hug or kiss Thomas. Every time I show my oldest child any form of affection Collin immediately starts whining and gets in the way, shoving Thomas away.

Example: I was leaving for work this morning. I gave Collin a hug and kiss, then went to hug Thomas, every time I tried, Collin would hug my knees with one arm and shove Thomas with the other. When I went to kiss Thomas, Collin, still at my knees started making his kiss face and sound at me.

And the worst part of all is I really do not think he likes his brother too much. I mean they play together very well most of the time. Collin will reach to hold his hand when walking out doors or in stores. Yet, he will not under any circumstance give Thomas a hug, kiss, high-five, or anything. He just will not. He pushes him away, hits him, screams at him, ect..

What will I do when Bailey gets here? Will he be jealous of her as well?

Blogging for the sake of blogging.

2009-07-25T23:35:00.003-04:00

Out of no where it just hit me. At 11:30 at night, when I am supposed to be in bed, on "bed-rest," it hit me. I should blog. About what? I don't know.. About who? I, again, don't know.

Maybe it's because my mind is in a fog and I usually feel much less stressed after I write. Maybe it's because things are again seeming like they can't get much worse, and I need to free my thoughts.. Who knows.. I sure don't.

I have been reading blogs all day it seems. Well actually for about a half hour now. And I had a thought cross my mind numerous times. I really am a terrible writer. Between the typo's and being so grammatically incorrect most of the time, and the fact that I can't help but drag anything out, I realized I will never have one of those popular blogs with thousands, or hundreds, or even ten's of readers. I will not have a blog which people just have to check daily. And, while that was my intention in the beginning, I am okay with that. I am totally okay with knowing I may be the only person who faithfully reads this ugly thing. Whatever. I am happy with it.
I like having something to look back at. Just like I enjoy reading my diaries and journals dating back to when I was a child, an adolescent, a teen.

Maybe one day, when I have had more time on this earth, and have accomplished more than just being a heroin addicted, suicidally depressed wife and mother, more people will come to read this. And if not.. Oh well. I am okay with it..

Maybe tomorrow I will blog about something worth reading.

Or not.

Another day, another dollar fight.

2009-07-19T00:37:00.004-04:00

I say we need to talk more.
He says I don't try.
I say we need more moments alone.
He says it's gotta be on my time.

I say we need to make love more often.
He says I push him away.
I say we need to be there for each other.
He says he is here every day.

Maybe it is the financial stress. Maybe it is more. Who knows. He claims it is all me. I claim it is all him. We are always in this vicious cycle it seems. Months where we are just so happy and in love. Months where we aren't even sure we want to fight for this anymore. I am sick of the bottom of this cycle. I want to be back at the top again. Just a couple weeks ago, things were grand. Though I had not been giving even 2% into our marriage, and he had been giving it 110%. He had been doing so much to help me be comfortable. Letting me sleep, taking care of the kids, taking over all the household responsibilities. He was doing it all, as I was barely leaving my bedroom for more than an hour.

Maybe I was taking advantage of him. I probably was. I have always been a selfish person who prefers everything to be about me. At least that's who he tells me I am.

He had said I am also retarded, stupid, idiotic. All words that make me completely shut down and run away. All words I had been called through out my entire childhood. He then tells me he only says it out of frustration. He 'really' thinks I am smart, intelligent, wise. All things my parents used to say after I would cry about them putting me down. I feel like a little kid again.

Then he said the worst thing anyone can ever say to a mom.
He actually said I don't love my kids. According to him, I can care less about them. About him. About myself.

Maybe this is my own fault for being so negative towards him lately. Maybe this is my fault for pushing his buttons instead of being grateful for all he was doing to help me.
Maybe, maybe, maybe what-fucking-ever.

I don't deserve to be told this shit. Just like he doesn't deserve me being ungrateful, selfish, unloving.

We are both in the wrong here. Yet I am the one left begging for forgiveness. Begging him to talk to me. Begging him to get over whatever. Begging him to put back on his ring, after he threw it at me. Begging him to stay awake. And now.. begging him to join me in bed.

5 of the last 8 days have consisted of fighting. I have a feeling this time the cycle is on slow motion and this will be drawn out....

Desperately seeking help and guidance

2009-07-15T23:18:00.002-04:00

I thought these feelings were behind me. I thought I had everything under control. Not anymore.
The suicidal thoughts are back with a vengeance. The depression and psychotic breaks are tearing me to shreds. I need a helping hand. A miracle worker. Help.

At this exact moment I am struggling, with every part of my being, not to slam my face into the drywall. Struggling to stay away from the pills bottles and knives. Struggling to stay calm. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, if it weren't for this life inside of me at this moment, I would be back where I was a year ago, trying to end my life.

I sit here typing this as it is my only way to get these ramped thoughts out of my mind. Tears streaming down my face, fingers barely able to find the right keys as my hands shake so tremendously.

The only person I am willing to call and speak to about these thoughts will admit me immediately. I cannot, though I desperately need to, go back into the nut house. I have to work. I have to make it to my appointments. My children need me here, home. Yet, I need me sane.

Doctors, medication, and counseling cannot help me right now. Only the state of Connecticut can, yet they won't, not until things get worse. I cannot, as a mother, as a human being, let things get worse.

I learned today, after doing some math and speaking to a few social workers, there is no way I can come up with my rent this month. My utilities are officially way past due. I should shut off my internet, cable, and phone; but am petrified of what I would do without any connection to the outside world. I have no idea where my children and I will be going in a few weeks. I cannot even throw my son a 4th birthday party, as I don't even know where I will be living. I had one thing I have been looking forward to, which will only cost $25 tops, and I cannot go. I can't even afford clothing that fits me. If it weren't for the baby shower my wonderful aunt is throwing for me and a few dear friends, my soon to be daughter would have nothing.

No one knows this but I am seriously considering putting her up for adoption. It breaks my heart to even type this as I cannot even say it out loud. I have wanted a daughter so desperately for years. Yet, right now, how dare I even contemplate bringing another child into my life? How dare I bring her into my household when I can't even support myself or my two boys. There are millions upon millions of women out there so desperate to have a child of their own. Those women would give everything to make sure she was well taken care of. I can't even take care of her when she is in the most protected place she will ever be in.

I never saw myself here..I swear a few years ago, I would have never seen myself as a heroin addict, manic depressive bi-polar psycho, who believes her children are truly better off without her. Yes. I do believe they are better off with out me. At least they wouldn't be looking at living in a damn shelter in a few weeks. Or sharing a couch and floor with each other and their parents in the middle of drive-by central. At least then, if I weren't here, the state would help my boys.

Yes. That is where we will be in a few weeks. Either in my in-laws living room, living in the middle of the ghetto, where the house next door gets shot at on a weekly basis. Or.. In a fucking homeless shelter. And, not until we are homeless for 60 damn days will the lovely, children 1st state of Connecticut, lend a helping hand.

Fuck. I have always fended for myself. Never needed to live off the damn state. Yes. I got married young. Yes, I was a teen mother. But damn it. My children, almost all three, in fact all 5 of my damn pregnancies have been fathered by the same man. Damn it. I moved out at 16, always been able to pay my own damn way. Even when the damn times got tough, my husband and I have gotten through it.

Then I lost my mind. Then everything went down hill. Starting with the depression and suicide attempt, continuing with the heroin, followed by us losing everything. Then things started looking up. For a whole couple months. Now... Back to falling down this damn hole into the pit of darkness, where everyone is just standing at the top laughing at us struggling to hold on.

I am sick on holding on. I am sick of fighting so hard to provide for my children. I just want what any caring mother wants.

To provide for my children.

I just want some help finding a place and paying to get out foot in the damn door. And a damn job for my husband. Yep. Fourteen months laid off now. Unemployment should have run out weeks ago, yet, some how he is still collecting. Some people would love to make what he makes a week in unemployment at a real job. But when your rent is more than most mortgages in the area.. it just does not cut it.

I knew if I began to type I would calm down. At least for now the tears and shaking have stopped. Now to prevent these suicidal thoughts from returning I must continue to fight and search for help. I know it has to be out there. I know this damn state cannot really expect someone who is actually not milking the system to go into a shelter with a preschooler, toddler, and soon to be newborn. I know if I keep fighting, as much as I don't want to I will find what I need to take care of my boys.

Damn head games.

2009-07-14T12:35:00.002-04:00

I am worse than a little girl with a celebrity crush sometimes. I meet a guy, or a guy I already know begins to pay me a bit of attention and I start feeling all mushy about him. I say it is like a celeb crush, because I know I cannot act on it. I know nothing will ever come from it. I know I am happily in love with my husband. Yes, after 9 years he still lights my fire. But lately, so is this guy. Man, what I would do to have one night where I am single. Or just a few hours.. Actually.. I wouldn't do anything to have a few single hours. Why? Because I am happy with my relationship. I am happy being married. I am happy with who my husband is. And I would not change a damn thing. For now, I will enjoy knowing another man finds me interesting and attractive, especially now when I feel my worst. I will enjoy his flirtatious comments, gestures, and smiles. I will even think about him and what could be. Hell, I might even flirt back a tad bit. But risk my marriage? My over all happiness? My family? No way in hell.

All because I already have the most amazing man in the world, who makes me feel like a super model millionaire, even when I am big and pregnant, and a miserably unhappy person.

Some days..

2009-07-06T14:32:00.002-04:00

Some days I am just unsure of this life I chose.
Some days I actually wish I could be an average 22 year old woman.
Some days I do not want to be an expecting wife and mother.
Some days I wish I had no responsibilities, no husband, no children.
Some days I just want to have fun, do what I want, when I want, with who I want.

Then, I look at my children, or my husband, and realize just how lucky I am.

Oil Spill? In my yard?

2009-06-26T13:54:00.002-04:00

Apparently when a guy was looking at the house today, with great interest of renting it to me if he purchased it, went on the side of the house no one ever goes on, unless they are mowing the lawn, he saw something very interesting:

The real estate agent was telling me how people in this neighborhood used to keep the oil tanks under ground, they think that the one here burst.. It makes sense but I have no clue, and of course it is just a guess. It is very obviously oil, as you can smell it so clearly the minute you go ever there. I am shocked we never noticed it in the year we have been living here.. I have no clue what to do, it is great because it will probably keep people from buying the house.. But.. it will also probably keep this guy from buying it. And this guy gave me so much hope that we may have a chance to stay in this house. I do not want to move from here.. It is the perfect neighborhood to raise a family. Seeing as Fannie Mae is pretty much my "landlord" as the house is in foreclosure, I have no idea what I need to do to make sure the house is safe for myself and my family.

All I can picture now is the entire house blowing up.. :unsure:

Can't. Stay. Awake.

2009-06-20T09:57:00.002-04:00

So yeah.. haven't blogged [or been online] in like.. um.. forever?

Pregnancy and methadone maintenance are really, really taking a toll on me. I need to lower my dose, but I have been advised not to while pregnant. I cannot take this fatigue much longer. I get up at 6:30 a.m. every morning to go off and get medicated. If Tom has side work I am "up" for the day, if not, I go back to bed until 11-12. If it is a day where he is working I put Collin down for a nap at 11 a.m. Let Thomas play some Wii or V-Smile or watch a movie, while I sleep. If it is a day Tom is home, Collin will not nap until 1:30-2:30, which is when I will go back to sleep until at least 4. If it is a work night I will not get to go to bed until 12-1 a.m. If it is not a work night, I head to bed right after Collin at 8:30, I will usually fall asleep before 10. But then, from 10 p.m. until I get up in the a.m. I am up at least every 2 hours to pee or reposition myself. >_<

Sounds like enough sleep right? It used to be. All I want to do is sleep. When I am not sleeping I am lounging on the couch falling asleep struggling to stay awake.

Anyone wanna be me for a while?

What's a mom to do?

2009-06-10T12:06:00.002-04:00

A cousin, a sister and a sister-in-law all receive disability insurance and/or state help to raise their children. The cousin is the only one who does not also have a parent helping raising the children.

The cousin receives section 8 housing, state medical insurance, and food stamps. The father is 100% there for her and the children. With the state funding and help, he pays the difference for the rent and utilities.

The sister is applying for disability currently due to her epilepsy. Also receives state medical, and will be getting food stamps and cash assistance. She is living with her mother and step-father. She does not pay rent, an electric bill, cable bill, or phone bill. She does not buy groceries, diapers, or formula. The father is in the baby's life, but while he does provide few material things, it is not much. Heck he won't even let his son or fiance, my sister, live with him until she can support herself and the child.

The sister-in-law is also living with her parents. She has not had a job in 10+ years. The state and her parents support her children. In fact, she barely gets out of bed to take care of them. Yet the state provides everything to her to keep her children healthy, fed, and clothed.

Now myself. It took my husband being laid off for 6 months before I was able to qualify for state medical for myself and the children. And still my husband was brought into court for child support. It took my husband and I separating for my children and I to qualify for W.I.C. My home, which I am renting, is in foreclosure, and when it sells we have to move. My monthly rent plus basic utilities are twice as much as our monthly income. Yet I cannot qualify for state assistance. In order for me to receive housing help for my children and I, I must divorce my husband, have him totally forget about my children and I, and he needs to disappear and not pay any child support whatsoever.

I just recently found out due to my many psychiatric problems I could probably qualify for disability assistance. The problem with that is the problems I have are not preventing me from working, so that option is out, as I always have held a job.

According to the state my only option for housing when our current rent sells is to start saving now, can't do that and afford the rent, utilities, plus food and clothes, or to go into a shelter when the house sells and save up then.

So what is a mom to do? What do I do to make sure my children have shelter? Do I let myself go, let my labels and disorders take over, and quit my job and go for disability? Do I divorce my husband, have him leave my children and my life? Or do I keep going like I am and just see what happens? Maybe we will get lucky and someone will by the house as a rental property? Maybe the house won't sell? Maybe we will catch a break?

Its not like things haven't already improved drastically since one year ago...

My boys rock.

2009-06-06T16:44:00.005-04:00

Aren't they the sweetest?

Every single time they are out doors I get flowers, these are the latest. I always get dandelions and other weeds. This time I actually got some real flowers from Thomas and my usual purple weed from Collin, as they are his favorite.

Toms CurseBirthday

2009-06-06T16:07:00.002-04:00

Today marks the day I am officially married to an old man. Tom turned 30 years old today. We are having a small BBQ next Sunday for him, as we refused to do anything for his birthday in fear something bad would happen.

See every year something happens on his birthday, whether a stomach bug, car accident, loss of something important, or death of someone close. Something always happens.

I woke up today feeling pretty good considering we had went out to dinner last night to celebrate and so far nothing had happened. Until I ran out to get McDonald's breakfast, and I saw my left ring finger. Yep, the one with my engagement ring and wedding band on it.

It happened again.
Toms Curseday struck again.
Only this time.. It struck me.
My rings are still there, but my diamond is gone. Completely gone.
The claws that hold it in place, bent, crushed and completely out of place.
(photo to come after work when battery is charged.)

Of course I am crushed. So crushed I have been in bed since. I feel horrible. I feel as if it is all my fault. I mean I have only had the damn ring for 5 years, this month. Five damn years and I couldn't keep my ring safe and beautiful.

I am just not meant to have nice things.
My camera-broken two lens in the year (minus 4 months in the pawn shop) I have had it.
Past, present, and future diamond necklace-broken two chains in the 1st year I had it.
My family bracelet-first month I had it I completely broke it in half.
It is a good thing nose rings and eyebrow rings are cheap as I have gone through more than I would care to admit.
I am just not meant to have nice things.
At least the diamond is not my fault.
It's the dates fault. If Toms birthday hadn't have come, it would be find. I promise you that.

Goodbye.

2009-06-02T00:38:00.002-04:00

You entered my dreams last night.
You told me you would come back to help me deal once again.
You promised me it would not be like it was this time.
You swore it would all be good.

When I woke up, I was tempted today.
But I know you are only there to hurt me.
While I would love to have you in my life again,
I know that it can never be.

Goodbye my friend. my enemy.
I need to get you out of my head.

Into my life again?

2009-05-30T11:33:00.002-04:00

I found something last night. Something I was sure to be completely out of my life.
Supposedly it was still there from before. Some things were missed when we cleaned up our lives.
Supposedly.

How do I know what to believe?
Do I believe they are from the past and trust my husband?
Do I believe they are new, something is being hidden from me, and not trust my husband?

He tells me I am retarded for not believing they are from the past.
He tells me I am stupid for not believing he just didn't throw them out.
He tells me I am an idiot for believing he is returning to that low again.

Yet, I cannot figure if I am upset for finding something?
Am I upset for not finding more?
Am I upset for not having the choice of being able to do anything if he were?
Am I upset because if he is the jealousy I already feel not knowing is already taking control of me?

I thought it was over, the cravings, the need, the want. I thought I was passed all that.
I thought I was the type to get over it, and be done with it.
Not one to struggle for a lifetime because of it.
Yet, here I sit, wondering where he is, wanting to feel this evil again.
I do still crave it.
I do still need it.
I do still want it.
I am not passed all of this.

Sleepless nights.

2009-05-30T00:18:00.003-04:00

Tried to sleep.
Can't sleep.
Tried t.v.
Killed my mind.
Tried to sleep.
Can't sleep.
Tried milk.
Threw up.
Brushed my teeth
Now it's time to try and sleep.

Revamp 'dis shit right 'ere

2009-05-27T22:04:00.001-04:00

Okay, I guess I am just not ghetto, that sounded lame to me too.. Oh well, whatever.

Anyway, yeah, I have been wanted to re-do this blog for quite some time, few weeks now.. Wow.. And I just spent a bit of time creating my own header, something other than just plain blogger text. So I will be doing all the revamping right now. Wish me luck, I tend to take forever to do this stuff. Hopefully it will be done soon..

If not.. Oh friggen well.

The debate continues.

2009-05-27T16:04:00.003-04:00

Since I am a hugely devoted member of the JustMommies Message Boards when they started the JM blogs I just knew I would attempt to join the blogroll. Now that more and more of the daily blogs I read are joining I am feeling more tempted to join.

Yet, there is something stopping me.
Is it that I feel my blog isn't enough about motherhood?
Is it I feel my blog is too negative?
Maybe it is because I let out way more than I should on here, and if some of the women on JM read they will look down at me?
-That can't be it, otherwise I wouldn't have my blog linked in my sig..

Hmm.. Maybe.. it's because I personally think my blog sucks..

Who knows.. Maybe I will keep thinking about it and never apply. Maybe I will just swallow the lump in my throat and just do it.

We will see.

Methadone Vs. Heroin.

2009-05-27T13:07:00.004-04:00

Another day where heading to get medicated is 1st on my list of to-dos. On the few lucky days where I do not have to waste time going down to the clinic, I am still tied down. I have to call in before drinking my disgusting green bottle and if my i.d. number is listed, I still have to head down to the clinic. I have to make sure I see my counselor every 4 weeks to sign up for another bottle and to make sure I am stable enough to receive my bottles. And I am supposed to attend hour long groups regarding addiction, healthy relationships, vocational training and more.
First thing in the morning, before hitting the clinic, you just have this overwhelming sense of laziness. You do not want to move, let alone get out of bed. Then after you drink it, or at least after I do, that wave of nausea comes, then you feel "normal" again. You feel better. Until the next morning.

As tied down as it seems, its really not much different than shooting up.

Before the methadone program, I still had a #1 on my daily to-dos. To come up with $30, then call the dealer. Then take the same drive that always seemed like it took at least 5 hours when in reality it only took 5 minutes. Then, instead of mixing that nasty green filth with juice to make it go down easier, I would have to mix that dirty brown powder with .5 mls of water, put in the tiny piece of cotton, and draw it into the syringe. Then the struggle that took forever to find the vein. All the while my body would ache and pound and pulse. My arms, legs and back, felt as is I had just been beaten with a bat. Runny nose, watery eyes, dry mouth. Honestly as bad as you feel in the morning before getting the methadone, this pain is much worse. Kinda like as the flu is about to attack. Yet, as soon as I would push in that plunger I would feel every ounce of my being "get better" The pain would just lift away, you can actually feel every inch of your body become filled with euphoria. The wave of nausea would come, but its not that bad. In fact, it doesn't even matter. Nothing in the world matters, because as bad as it can be, no matter how much you have lost, it does not matter, because you feel like you are on top of the world. Nothing can stop you.

Until it wears off, an hour or two or three later.. Then the hell starts again.

Okay, I guess there are some differences, as in the methadone lasts like 8x longer, but instead of the sense of euphoria you get with the dope, you only get a sense of normalcy.

At least that normalcy does not cause you to lose everythig you have, and does not cost $250+ to feel better per day.

Those Eyes..

2009-05-25T23:53:00.003-04:00

Both my boys have amazing eyes. You don't really notice them all the time, but when the lighting and the surroundings are just right. Amazing.. Truly Amazing.

P.O.T.W-Brotherly Love.

2009-05-24T18:03:00.005-04:00

I could not decide. All of these have been from the past week of fun we have had. This past week the boys have been getting along very well, almost more like true friends than brothers.
We had been given plenty of compliments on how handsome they are and how much alike they look. Of course we feel the same.

100 things about me.

2009-05-21T11:57:00.005-04:00

1. Until I know you, I am actually really shy.
2. I am an attention seeker.
3. I easily fall into peer pressure.
4. I am a total follower-do not tell my boys.
5. As much as I hate dirt and clutter, I do not do anything about it.
6. I love working out, but am too darn lazy to do it.
7. I have so many things I would love to do with my life, but again, I am too lazy to work towards my goals.
8. I sometimes regret beginning my relationship so young, because I have had to support myself so early.
9. I miss my daddy buying me everything.
10. I miss getting to go school shopping at the end of the year.
11. I have not bought myself a new bra or new underwear since I was pregnant with Collin, about 2 years ago,
12. My two best friends live way too far away from me.
13. I really want to move out of Connecticut, but do not have the funds to do so.
14. I do not have the funds to do anything anymore.
15. I have no idea where my children, husband, or myself will live once this house sells.
16. I put everything off until the last minute.
17. I love to have my hair dyed and cut.
18. If I had things my way, I would stay in bed until noon daily then sit on the computer until 4, nap for an hour, sit on the computer for the rest of the night, go to bed, then start the whole day over again the next day.
19. Have I mentioned that I am really lazy?
20. I am really afraid of being alone.
21. Most days I really do not see a point in living, until my boys do something to make me smile.
22. I am currently a lane server or waitress at a bowling alley, and I absolutely love it.
23. Bar tending is part of the job on some nights.
24. I am really good at creating drinks just by asking someone pick an alcohol and asking what kinds of things they like.
25. I have fun playing Wii with Thomas, but some games its hard for him to play.
26. I have no rhythm.
27. I do not do very well at sports or games.
28. Except Monopoly; no one beats me!
29. My boobs used to be my favorite part of my body.
30. Until I stopped breastfeeding Collin.
31. I used to create my own websites.
32. Then I realized I suck.
33. I really do not have any creativity, though I like to pretend I do.
34. I love naps.
35. I could use a nap right now.
36. Honestly, I don't think anyone will ready this.
37. Honestly, I don't think many people read my blog in the 1st place.
38. I am really bad at replying to people.
39. Especially phone calls or email.
40. It all goes back to #19.
41. Thanks to hospital stays, I missed the last 3 days of 4th grade.
42. And the 1st three of my freshman year of high school.
43. I really love photography
44. But like I said before, I am not that creative.
45. My husband is nice enough to take care of the kids in the morning.
46. And let me sleep in until 11am.
47. I am not a morning person.
48. I love spongebob.
49. Discovery Health Channel is my favorite channel!
50. Followed by HGTV and TLC.
51. I am not really a big music person.
52. I like just a teensy bit of everything but country.
53. And Christian music-blech.
54. This list is taking a lot longer than I expected.
55. I may quit soon.
56. I love ice cream.
57. I am going to walk a way from this, and make a bowl of fudge swirl vanilla ice cream with graham cracker crumbs.
58. I love the flavor of graham crackers.
59. I especially love cheesecake.
60. I take almost 500 photos a week.
61. If I am actually doing something, besides sitting in the house, that can be a daily total.
62. 38 more to go.
63. I used to be very good at math.
64. In fact I even was given an award in high school for having the highest average.
65. But I am only good at basic math. Algebra and geometry are not math to me.
66. I am sick of getting sick.
67. I vomit almost daily still.
68. When I was getting high, I would vomit 3-6x per high.
69. Now for the 1st time in 5 pregnancies, I have morning sickness.
70. I hate morning sickness.
71. I still cry from happiness about having a little girl soon.
72. The last time I was this happy was 16 months ago.
73. The day each of my children were born are my most treasured memories.
74. And my wedding day.
75. I did not recognize my husband at my wedding.
76. 24 to go!
77. My ice cream is very good.
78. When I vomit, I pee my pants. Never fails!
79. I really should be napping since I can't before work.
80. Instead I am stuck doing this darn list.
81. Watch and the second I am ready to lay down, Collin will awaken.
82. It is a guarantee, when a parent is ready to relax, nap time is over.
83. I let my kids have poptarts for breakfast all the time, since the boys can get them without disturbing Tom and I from laying in bed.
84. I still cannot believe I am going to be a mommy of 3.
85. I still cannot believe I am a mommy period.
86. Or a wife.
87. Or an adult.
88. I have a step-daughter, whom I never met and is just 9 years younger than me.
89. She is truly beautiful.
90. 10 left? Nope, 9 now.
91. My sink is full of dirty dishes.
92. My dishwasher is full of clean dishes.
93. I hope my work clothes are dry before work.
94. Laundry and dishes are the chores I hate the most.
95. I am so psyched I am almost done.
96. Because of www.justmommies.com I have almost no time to do much of anything on the computer anymore.
97. The garbage truck just came at 1:42 p.m.
98. Aren't they supposed to come in the wee hours of the morning?
99. I love my pillows, they are calling my name.
100. Sweet, I made it! Now its nap time!

New Camera Lens=New Photos!

2009-05-18T14:55:00.003-04:00

So I got my new (used) lens. It was made for a film camera, so it does not focus automatically on my D40, one down fall of buying the cheapest D-SLR.. Oh well, I should know how to anyway. Right?

Here are a couple photographs I took this afternoon while messing with my boys. My son Thomas is an awesome model:

Collin wanted to get in the fun as well, but he needs props or will not stay still for me:

It was funny, Tom usually hates getting his photo taken, almost as much as me. When ever I want a shot of him, he tells me I already have the perfect models and I don't need him. Strangely even he struck a pose for me:

I cannot wait to have more fun!

P.O.T.W-(photo.of.the.week.)-totally stolen!

2009-05-17T01:16:00.003-04:00

After seeing many blogs doing a photo/picture of the day/week, I decided I wanted to join in! Let's see if I actually stick with it. I have just gotten my new lens, which I have to manually focus with. Man, I didn't know how hard that would actually be, considering I can't see worth squat! I had many photographs come out better than this one. Yet, this was my favorite of the day. What better than a little boy who wants to hug his mommy <3

Do you know how much I love seeing these arms stretched out like this?

See the other blog!

2009-05-16T15:15:00.006-04:00

Baby Shower for me!!

The Pediatrician

2009-05-15T14:41:00.005-04:00

I cannot believe I forgot to post about Collin latest check up.
He went Tuesday
He is 23lbs8oz and 31.5" tall, he is still so darn petite if you ask me. He got his MMR#1 and his chicken pox vac. The nurse and pedi both want us to start weaning Collin off the sippy and onto an open mouth cup. Something Thomas had completely had done by the age of 2-on his own.. So today we started with the open mouth cup:

Also, I had asked about Collin's lack of verbal communication, and explained how he doesn't even babble much, just the occasional ba and da sounds.. and the only word he says is ball, heck he doesn't even say mama or dada anymore...
Oh and our pediatrician had a stroke back in Dec/Jan. We realized at the 15 mo check up He is a lot "worse" than we had been led to believe. He has no use of his left arm at all. He lost soooo much weight. He just looks ill..

We realized we may have to find a new pediatrician in the next year or so.. I really do not want to switch. I have never heard of anyone around here (or anywhere) having a pediatrician as laid back as mine. One who isn't everything must be by the books...

And just so I don't have to start another post, Thomas is going to the pediatrician tonight, Tom is taking him as I will be at work.. He has a really big bite on his leg.. It hurts really badly to the touch. Tom popped it, as it looked like a pimple, with a really big head and the pus that came out was gross.. We are worried, as we think its what caused Collin's toe infection..

So smart yet so....hmm what's the word?

2009-05-14T23:55:00.004-04:00

That's my baby boy Collin. I swear he is so darn smart! He understands pretty much you ask him to do. Need a diaper? He'll go get it. Tell him its buh-bye time, he will get every ones shoes and coats/jackets. Tell him its bath time, he tries his hardest to undress himself, which he cannot do on his own yet, but sure does try!

Again today we were practicing body parts. Just yesterday he would only point to his upper lip/nose when asked anything. Today....
Eyes, Hair/Head, mouth, nose, hand, feet... He got them all perfect!

This boy is the sweetest little guy! Then his favorite thing to do of late is to say buh-byes to someone. I had to head off to work tonight and did my goodnights, which consist of going to each of my boys (hubs included) and ask for kisses & hugs. I go to Tom get a kiss and a hug and say I love you. I go to Thomas and do the same only when I say I love you I point to my eye, heart, and then to him. I of course do the same with Collin who almost did not want to let go of me, and completed the I and you portion of my eye heart you ritual <3 Talk about making my night!

Video Games

2009-05-14T12:15:00.004-04:00

Thomas is obsessed! Currently he is sat on the couch playing Zelda on the Wii, he doesn't know what he is doing, and just walks around aimlessly wielding a sword. He also loves to play Mario, Pac-Man, Sonic, Wii-play, Wii-fit, and of course, lets not forget Spongebob.

It is not just the Wii either. He also loves exploring the WWW. Nick Jr is his favorite place to be. Once I click it on for him, he just completely takes over, he can do anything on there without help!

He also loves his Easy Link Internet Launch Pad, basically it is a few games that he places without go really online.

Then there is the V-smile! Omgoodness, I didn't know how smart my boy is! He plays this game where you have to wait for the next letter of the alphabet to jump on something and he gets it right every single time!

He is so technologically advanced! Yet, he is 3!

Now to get this kid to practice doing some educational school type stuff with me!

Happy Anniversary & Mother's Day to me!

2009-05-11T23:50:00.005-04:00

Tom and I have been planning on see my favorite person in the world Rachel forever it seems and finally got to go this past weekend, for my anniversary and mothers day. I am still high from excitement.

Friday:
We hit the road at 4 a.m. Friday morning, and after quite a few potty breaks for me, we finally arrived around 11 a.m. I was so nervous and excited! Rachel gave us a tour, and made us a quick lunch while the boys played.

Before lunch she had some JustMommies business to take care of which she was not counting on taking so long, and Tom had went with her father to get stuff for dinner, so I took over her computer for a little while.

After lunch we went to Gettysburg where stupid me dropped my camera, broke my lens. Luckily Tom was able to "fix" it and I was still able to use it until he did.

The boys were pretty good in the museum, for being 3. They were both flirting with this little girl.
We also drove through quite a bit, I had a ball.

Then we went back to Rachel's, where her father was making dinner. We had simple potato salad and burgers.

Since Rachel has a Baskin Robins at the end of her street, I had a huge ice cream craving, so we walked there after dinner.

When we got back, the boys had a bath together (all three!) Thomas and Daniel were having a great time until Collin decided to pour water all over them and the floor. Man did I feel terrible about that mess!

Finally around 11 p.m. or midnight we all went to bed. Rachel was awesome to let me and my family have her bedroom. Tom hated her bed, while I loved it! Super soft and squishy! Thomas slept on Daniel's bed, and Collin had his portable crib. Daniel decided to sleep with Thomas, until he woke up crying a bit, where I had to carry him up to Rachel who was sleeping on the couch. I felt so bad for him, I just wanted to cuddle him a bit out of habit.

Saturday:
Let me preface today by saying I have never been so grateful that when I need to go somewhere its never more than 20-30 minutes away, and usually within 10 minutes!
I woke up to the kids playing and watching Cars on Daniel's little "MP player." (A personal DVD player) Rachel came and got them for breakfast at about 9:30-10 a.m. Saturday Morning.
I was totally comfortable by now and helped myself to some Frosted Flakes and coffee, while the boys had Honey Nut Cheerios and Rachel had PB on toast.

Tom must have been comfortable as well, seeing as he slept until almost noon!

We were on our way on the road at 12:30. We went to Five Guys for lunch. Then Rachel gave us a drive through her old neighborhood, the "ghetto", and through Baltimore, then we decided to do a bit of [window] shopping and went to a mall.

I had never seen a mall on only one level before, yet this place was huge! I swear just the food court alone was bigger than the Milford Mall! I was so amazed at all the childrens outlets in this place, but I am poor so I couldn't afford much. I wound up getting each boy an outfit since I packed no summer clothes and Bailey two outfits that were clearanced.

Then we went back to Baltimore! We had so much fun! We road the water taxi which is like the city bus here, which took us all around the harbor! It was Thomas, Daniel, Collin, and my first time on a boat! Thomas and Daniel were in awe, Collin was so amazed, and actually was trying to climb out of the boat into the harbor!

At Fell's Point Tom found his perfect home. I swear there was a bar every 100 feet! We grabbed some soda's and hung out on what I would call a park. Thomas and Daniel were chasing some "bigger" boy who was skateboarding around and Tom was chasing Collin around. Collin just kept running from us, everytime he was out of his stroller. Can't say I blame him! He spent so much time in his stroller and car seat this past weekend!

We went back to the spot where we started in Baltimore, and tried to get a bite to eat, but it was already 10 p.m. and most places were closed, except Hooters. Tom ended up running into Hooters to find a bathroom, but walked out with a beer without ever peeing. LMBO!

We ended up getting BK and eating in the van. Yep, terrible parents we were, not feeding out kids until 10:30 at night, and in the car too nonetheless! The kids all ate a bit in the van then fell asleep before we even back!

We got back around 11:30 p.m? and Everyone but me, Rachel, and her daughter Sarah went to bed, I took over Rachel's computer-again to make myself a siggy, with her scrap supplies:

Oh and while in Baltimore we saw tons of NYY fanwear, so we had to do some research as well and make a decision!

Turned out, NY was in town! It was so ironic, since Tom and I originally wanted to head down to MD when NY was playing the Orioles, but never bothered to look into it when we decided to go for our anniversary.
We looked up tickets and saw there were still many left and pretty darn cheap too!

Sunday:
Thomas woke up around 4 a.m. and came into bed with us. Daniel woke up around 9 something, and was watching cartoons. I must have dozed back off as I woke up to Daniel on the bed with all of us, at our feet watching T.V. and Thomas yelling at him to move.

Collin woke up looking terrible, but in good spirits. He had a runny nose, and really watery eyes. Man did I feel bad!

I took them upstairs and we all woke up Rachel. We had decided to head to the game and to leave at 11 a.m.

Of course Tom didn't get up until 11 and my family is always taking forever so we didn't get out until 11:30 at least. We drove to a "train station" and took the train/subway to the ball park area. The kiddo's loved the train! We walked the few blocks to the stadium.

We went and got some tickets at $15/each, and got a few things, like drinks/snacks before heading in. I had begged for a NYY T so I could show some spirit. Unfortunetly the stand I found only had children's NYY shirts. I got it anyway and it barely fits! I had to get even with Rachel's orange and Daniels Orioles shirt!

Our seats were really high up, almost to the top. And in the bright, hot sun! Rachel was awesome enough to get us all sunblock, which the ghostly white boys needed. All us "big people" have red faces still!

The game was nuts, first it was 1-0 NYY, then 1-3 Bal for the longest time! NY ended up winning though! 5-3 final!!! We are still rubbing it in Rachel's face [=

We went back to Rachel's where she made me the one thing I had been craving all weekend; pasta and salad! MMM MMM MMMMM!

Her mother took a photo of all of us. The kids all had a bath, which we were trying so hard to avoid. Tom packed up the car. I got the boys and myself all comfy in our jammies. And the good byes started.

I so did not want to leave! Heck I wanna go back now, just not do as much! When I gave Rachel the goodbye hug I did not want to let go. I felt like I was leaving my closest friend behind.

I am already planning my next trip! I think I wanna go back down in Aug, for a more relaxing weekend ;-]

We left around 9:15-9:30 p.m. The kids were sleeping within 15-20 minutes of being on the road. Something was wrong with the GPS at 1st and it was on an only local path home. After an hour we figured out how to change that.

I had to take many potty stops again.
At one point we had thought we lost our tranny-that we just got fixed!
It was pretty funny.

If it weren't for the detour in the beginning and all my stops, we would probably have been home around 2 a.m. We got home between 3:15-3:30 a.m. Monday morning. And were sound asleep in our beds by 4 a.m!

If you have read all that wow! You amaze me! Here is a link to the photo album I made of the trip and a slideshow ;)

Anniversary/MothersDay2009 Album

2009-05-02T00:11:00.002-04:00

1st time pink!

2009-05-01T22:26:00.003-04:00

I have been making "siggies" for myself and others on www.justmommies.com message boards on and off for about 3 years now. Today, for the first time ever I was able to make myself a pink one! I am so pleased to announce I will no longer be the only girl in my home full of testosterone =] Does anyone know just how damn excited this makes me? Now I need some pretty little pictures of my daughter to make it extra special.. because, lets face it, ultrasound pictures are not very girly ;-]

My littlest man is getting oh so big.

2009-04-25T22:45:00.004-04:00

My Collin has been climbing out of his crib-or rather pack-&-play for weeks now. So we set up the brand new crib we just got this morning, and of course he climbed out of that as well.. So it is official.. At just 15 months old my itty bitty baby boy (he is still so small to me) is officially in a toddler bed, well at least for tonight.. We are trying it out. Fortunetly we have an extra crib mattress so I laid one on the floor next to the crib/toddler bed, just in case he falls out.. Man I am a nervous wreck. When did he become a toddler?

Been a while huh?

2009-04-23T00:07:00.004-04:00

Wow, I haven't blogged in ages! So much has happened!

I am in my 2nd trimester of my pregnancy-going great, check the details (and pictures) our at my other blog The Unexpected. Oh, if boy, baby is Samual Adam; if girl, Bailey Grace Elizabeth.

My parents moved out! We are officially on our own. Tom and I in our own room. Thomas in his own real bed. Collin in his crib, when he isn't climbing out. The boys are lucky enough to have a playroom, all to themselves! They love it! I my own computer back, though it is really slow and old, I have my photoshop back! We have the backyard all to ourselves, the boys love it!
-Oh and we also have a roommate! Vinny is my brothers friend of 7 or 8 years. And helps us out with the rent, which is great! He isn't ever home when I am so it works perfectly!

Work is going great! I love waitressing so much its weird. I love the tips, the attention, and all the flirting. Who knew being pregnant would turn on so many guys? In fact, one guy actually said to me, "Man I so wanna bite the shit out of your belly!" WTF?? Whatever... Hours will be getting cut soon as the leagues are all ending, but all is well.

The meth. program sucks.. I refuse to see the shrink there anymore, as he thinks I am crazy.. Apparently I am not stable enough to take home my methadone bottles, I may OD or poison my kids or something... Fuck him. Plus he wants to prescribe me meds that are catagory X for pregnancy... Fuck him again. I really wish I could detox. I really want to detox. I believe I am ready to detox. I can't detox. Detoxing means buh-bye baby. That would be bad!

My mind is really fucking me. I am having problems decifering fact from fiction, and reality from dreams as of late, and I need to find a new shrink to discuss this shit.. Thank god for free medical now.. I am having alot of manic-down mood swings lately and rapid crazy highs.. I know I need to find a med that I can safely take while pregnany and breastfeeding. I refuse to take a med I cannot breastfeed on, or that will harm my child.

Mostly though things really are going well. Heck I am even planning my very 1st weekend EVER out of CT!

Oh! Here are my latest photos and creation from photoshop!

Nicole's Notions

2009-03-30T11:00:00.002-04:00

Got some facts.

2009-03-28T12:52:00.004-04:00

Finally, I know some facts.

Here's the story, Daddy is talking to a 21 year old mentally challenged pedophile. He thinks no one knows. We all thought this relationship ended last May. I guess it is still going on, behind everyone's back.

Truth is out now, she never calls him. Only three times since October. He calls her every other day, usually 4 days a week. No call is longer than 6 minutes. And usually there is two in a row.

Can it be, "Hey I am on my way."
Followed by a, "Hey I am here!"

?? Why would he call her? What does he see in her? Why would anyone want to socialize with a person who thinks its normal to violate children?

I will get to the bottom of this and make these scumbags pay.

Can it be true?

2009-03-11T10:40:00.003-04:00

When the home my parents are renting went into foreclosure we were all warned. Warned we would be kickout. Turns out our 90 day mark was February 24th. Without my knowing my parents signed a month by lease, that will automatically be continued until either we decide to leave, giving Fannie Mae one months notice or until they sell the home. Giving us between 30-90 days, if the new owner has no intention of renting. This lease has more than just my parents listed. It also has my children and myself listed.

Anyway, this weekend we learned my parents are moving. They will be renting an amazingly beautiful condo perfect for them and my brother, with no room for anyone to move in with them.
Now, what this means for me is. My children and I can stay here, all we have to do is pay the rent every month. Somehow, we have finally caught a break!

It is going to tough at first. Especially since Tom is laid off and my hours will be cut at the end of league bowling season.

My in-laws will be moving in after the 1st couple months, then we will great. I can live with them. My father in-law will make sure the home is clean and my mother in-law will make sure the kids are taken care of perfectly when I am at work and will definitely help me out through out the pregnancy.

My parents I cannot live with anymore. My father and mother are both so verbally and emotionally abusive, to me, my husband, and my children.

My in-laws, I am not completely in love with, but they will do all they can to make sure my family is comfortable, for their son.

I hope to be the parents they are someday.

No More

2009-02-25T12:55:00.006-05:00

No more can I deal with the confusion of my husband being back at work for two or three days to be laid off, yet again.

No more can I deal with my father treating me like the rotton, no good, middle child.

No more can I deal with my so called family only being able to remember the few months I have fucked up, instead of the years I have always been the educated, intelligent person I really am.

No more can I deal with two faced bitches who come into and out of my life like a fucking roller coaster to have blast with but still get fucked in the end.

No more will I let my mothers disease dictate who she is. She is not a nut. She is a person, just a nutty person.

No more will I let others dictate who I am.

I am a person.

A damn good person!

I am a mother.

A really good mother!

I am a wife.

A pretty decent wife!

I am an employee.

The best damn employee any boss has had.

I am me!

Dare I post?

2009-02-19T15:34:00.004-05:00

He is back at work! Tom finally went in today!
I am so so proud!

Tom is having alot of mental health problems, and I am just so proud he went in today..

yay! Maybe soon we can live normal!

I don't wanna grow up: Missing my sis.

2009-02-17T15:21:00.004-05:00

I saw you other day. And you couldn't even acknowlage me.
Granted I didn't acknowlage you either..but..
Why do I always have to be the grown up one and make the 1st move?
Why do I have to be the one to call? Write? Speak?
You never initiate conversation.
You are older.
I do not want to be the big girl and make the 1st move.
All I do want is a "hey, how ya doing?"
Or a "Congrats? How are you coping?"
Just something to show you care..

Guess I need to re listen to the Rolling Stones:
"You can't always get what you want,
but if you try sometime,
you get what you need."

All I need is what I always see. A sister (or brother) who worries about me, who is there for me, as I can be there for them.

Daddy Dearest.

2009-02-15T18:37:00.001-05:00

Darling daughter, special son...
both of which always considered number one.
When will I be number one?
Wait I am now... Number one when it comes to making the health and financial decisions when Daddy dearest is too far gone to do so himself.
Other than when it comes to smarts I am nothing. Daddy's biggest fuck up, though I am the only child of his with a job, that has ever fled the nest, that takes care of his or her own.

Why is dearest daughter can't even call and ask how I am? Why is it she and special son, both just think I am stupid and need to 'grow up'?
Do they not see how damaged I truley am

I need a friend.

2009-02-13T17:25:00.003-05:00

I need a friend to be there for me, as I can be there for them.
I need a friend to listen when I need an ear.
I need a friend who will get me away, when I can't catch a break.
I need a friend who can watch my kids, so I can get some time alone.
I need a friend who can gossip and bitch with the best of 'em.
I need a friend who can come to me with any of their problems.
I need a friend who can count on me, and let me count on them
I need a friendship that goes both ways.
I need a friend.

How will I get by?

2009-02-11T10:21:00.005-05:00

How will I get by with out you to bitch to?
How will I get by with out you to help me through?
How will I get by with out you by my side?
Who will I complain to?
Who will I hang out with when I am bored?
Who will I go out to lunch with? And Will they pay?

Nana, through out each of my pregnancies, you have always been there.
Been there to listen, keep company, and to gossip.
Who will help me stay sane this time?
Who will calm my nerves?
Who will drive me to the hospital?
Remember! It is supposed to be you!
Remember after I had Collin? Finally 21? You and I were supposed to go out for drinks at Chilli's! And for our "shots." Man those shots at chilli's were so good...

Who will rock this baby to sleep? Who will instantly stop this baby's crying?
Collin still is desperate to meet you! He wants cookies too.
Thomas misses you bunches, lady, why can't you still be here?

This year without you has been hell, I need you to help me make life better.
Without you, life just doesn't seem worth it.
But I am still needed, so I have to wait to join you.
Listen lady, as soon as I can, I will! I still need my rematch in Skipbo, I know you cheated!

Thomas was asking for you on Halloween. Wondered where you were.
The holidays aren't the same without you, Nana.
We all need you here.

But you are gone. No longer here.
No longer there to listen, to care.

My mother will never take your place.
She will never be the Nana you were.
Hopefully one day, I can compare.

Nana, I hope Tom is right!
I hope this baby is your way of coming back.
I hope this baby is your way of shedding some light.

Tom misses you so much also.
He had no one to get drunk with at Christmas,
no one to pass out at the table with.

Man oh man lady, we need you still..

Father, for you have sinned.

2009-02-09T17:01:00.005-05:00

Stop this man for he will kill.

Kill my body mind and soul.

Does he not seee what he does to me? To my husband? My children?

My husband should not worry if today is the day I kill.

He should not worry if it is my father or I.

Its funny how it is my father who provides.

He provides my family with shelter. With light. With cable and internet entertainment.

But why must he rub it in our face during every waking hour.
Not with warm words, but with hurtful angry ones, which make us feel like insignificants, losers, failures.

Then comes big the apology.
The, "I'm sorry, I don't know why I acted that way."
The, "Let me buy you off with presents, or pay you off with cash."

Can't he just understand? We are doing everything in our power now. We are saving every cent.
Does he not see how focused we are? Not even to get out for us. To get away from him.

My children do not need to see mommy screaming and slamming her face into walls.
Especially as she is working so hard on staying calm.

What works? I sat in here counting to 10.. didn't work.. biting my nails.. didn't work.. squeezing my pillow, hugging my son.. nothing works to stay calm, its even worse with him. At least when I argue with my husband, I end up braking down. Realizing how stupid I have been behaving. Not with dear fucking Daddy. Maybe its the clashing personalities.. Maybe the zodiac actually means something. Maybe its our destany for being born exactly 30 years apart to the day. Who fucking knows? Yet, we clash. Bad. Nothing but another can stop us when we fight.

Yet, here I go rambling on again, again with no point.

Whatever, one day it won't get to me. One day I will get out of this state. One day he will realize he needs to just grow the fuck up..

With Love, Your Granddaughter

2009-02-09T09:01:00.007-05:00

The tears flowing down, as thoughts of you continue to whirl all around.

My heart beckons for you to return to me, I just want you to see.

To see how terrible I do without your guidance. Without you I seem I'm in a trance.

I need to grow up, move on, make do. I must stop putting all the blame on you.

Two days shy of already one year. This year has been too much to bare.

Now, I will start to mend. I can't change that you are dead.

I can, though, change the way I am. It's time for me to form a plan.

A plan of action if you will. A plan to get by with my heart fulfilled.

Fulfilled with your love, for me and mine. This will get easier with patience and time.

As each day flies by, the more I will try.

To remember, to miss, to grieve, and to live.

Because you have taught me, I have so much to give.

-♥Love, Your granddaughter, Nicole♥-

Thats it, I quit.

2009-02-07T14:15:00.003-05:00

Tom is back to work! Woot Wott!

Man I am so excited, yet so over tired..

soooo.. I QUIT!

I quit the gas station. I was only there a month, yes it was part time, yes it was more than minimum wage, but I don't care!

I QUIT

My Stuntman

2009-02-05T12:19:00.005-05:00

Gots a new blog.

2009-02-02T11:38:00.006-05:00

I figured I am going to be posting quite a bit regarding this pregnancy. and I don't want to turn this into a preggo only blog.. Also I read a announcement on Justmommies regarding blogs so I wanted to start a new on for a bit now anyways..so is ya wanna check it out head on over to....

The Unexpected.

The name is based on the most recent siggy Rachel had made me. In fact, I hope she doesnt mind, I used it as the header :O lol!

Thanks Rachel and Justmommies for being my inspiration.

Thank you Rachel

2009-01-29T13:57:00.003-05:00

You are truley amazing!

Very 1st OB appt.

2009-01-29T13:34:00.001-05:00

Measuring apx. 6 weeks. Pregnancy should be fine with the methadone. I have to worry about premature labor. My ob may not be able to delivery me in my hospital, may have to deliver in Yale. Baby will have to stay at least 1 week in hospital to withdrawel from the drug.. I was feeling like such a rotton person for getting pregnant while on methadone.. What was I thinking letting him do that in me? knowing the risks? But I am really working on not thinking that way. I am trying to think of this as my way of really beginning again.

u/s on monday, appt in 4 weeks, he confirmed 9/22 as edd based on lmp

Nothing beats...

2009-01-28T22:22:00.002-05:00

...just lying in bed next to your husband, while your children are sound asleep.

The downfall to this is, we must sleep, for 5 a.m. comes oh so soon.

Man oh Man do I miss his body, though it is next to mine each and every night, even right now as I type this.

I guess cuddling will have to do for now, though, I guess it doesn't matter how often we make love now, does it?

Its a baby!

2009-01-28T11:40:00.001-05:00

I forgot to post!

bloodwork confirmed it!

1st appt: tomarrow, 1030am!

My New Beginning.

2009-01-28T11:24:00.003-05:00

In my Jan2008PR on the message boards at www.justmommies.com one of the fellow mommies posted this quote.

"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude to me is more important than facts.... We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10 percent what happens to me and 90 percent how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our attitudes." -
-- Charles swindoll

I will post here the reason she mentioned this quote to me.

I had posted yesterday on JM about how this pregnancy is my new beginning.

"I am so darn sick of feeling so negative. I am so sick of whining about all the things that seem to be just going wrong.I was thinking, while at the hospital.. Maybe this pregnancy is a blessing? Maybe this is the my fresh start.. This is my new beginning. Negativity and self pity are not going to get me far, or my family. What my family needs is a positive attitude. Motivation. Initiative. Being so low all the time is not going to help give my family what we need. We need Positives! Heck, it was a positive pregnancy test right? How can you get more positive than that? Collin coughing blood turned out to just be the ear infection, granted that stinks, but its a heck of a lot better than the things that were going through my mind!This is it. Starting right now at this moment. I will put all my energy towards the positives. No more being such a negative Nancy!"

Am I or Am I not?

2009-01-21T12:28:00.004-05:00

help. My first period showed december 15th. My 1st since when I was using.. anyway Tom and I had sex about two weeks ago, the only time this month. I just took a test because I am paranoid, and....

its a shade or so darker in person I believe.. I am freaking out.. the digital thing says no but every time I have tested negative there was NO line whatsoever, and everytime I have tested positive, line.. when preggo w/ Collin this is the shade it was on the 1st test...

One Year Ago Today

2009-01-17T09:50:00.002-05:00

I had my last OB appt. I was told Collin was 7lb6oz, I was scheduled to have an induction for the 18th at 6am. I was CONVINCED he was never going to come. That night he was born, after the easiest, quickest, birth I had ever imagined, at 6 lbs 19 oz.

I cannot believe this. I am so ready for another baby, well no, I am completed not, but I want another.

This first year is just so amazing, how they turn from these itty bitty little blobs to these real people with their own amazing little personalities. Then when you add the affection they learn over this first year. Wow.

I so miss the cuddles from when he was so teensy. I miss him completey relying on me for nourishment, for comfort, for love, for everything. Yet, the hugs and open mouth kisses, the high fives, the waves buh-bye, the "ny nys" at bedtime, the smiles in the morning and after a nap..

Oh my. Do I love this first year.

And to think, it just gets better, easier, harder. Different. I look at Thomas, then imagine Collin in a year or two. The things he is going to learn. Things he will do. Man oh Man.

Happy Birthday my little man.

Missing her.

2009-01-01T12:49:00.004-05:00

Growing up, for the longest time she was my bestest. My closest. The only one I could tell my deepest, darkest secrets to. And when she is around I still feel the same. Why? I give her my all, I call weekly to check in on her and my nephew. I want to spend time together like in the past. Just bullshitting like always. Her doing my hair, me giving her advice. Maybe driving around aimlessly blasting to some shit, trying to get lost. Or just sitting around watching 7th Heaven, boy meets world and full house reruns. Or even, just sitting on the phone for hours.. I miss those days. You would think now that we both have children we should get to get together more often for the boys to play.

Yet, I feel she wants nothing to do with me. She never calls. Never wants to hang out. Never wants to do anything with me. She doesn't even consider me a friend anymore according to her myspace surveys... heck according to those she doesn't even remember her own nephew was born the same year as her son.. When we talk she is never concerned about how I am, though I am always wondering about her. Hoping she is coping with living with her mom. Hoping she is coping with a fiance that isn't motivated to get their family a place of their own. Hoping she is coping with life as a mother. I worry about her greatly, deeply, constantly.

Does she worry about me? Would she care if I did go through with my suicidal thoughts? Would she even notice if I weren't here anymore? Does she ever want to spend any time with me anymore? Will it change when the boys get a bit older? Or will it be like it is now? Her moms family is number one.. and everyone else is garbage.

All I want is to plan weekly, or bi-monthly play dates. Maybe her and I could hit the gym together. Or go out shopping.. Anything..

What she and I need is to socialize with other mothers. Other women. What is better than your own flesh and blood? Your own sister? We are both women. We are both mothers. Why can we not spend time together? Why doesn't she want to spend time with me?

Do I have cooties or something? Do I smell?

Miss you sis...

Goodbye 2008, Hello 2009

2009-01-01T12:30:00.003-05:00

2008 was full of deaths, drug addictions, suicide attempts and depressed manic minds.
2008 was an unwanted negative rotten year.
2008 was the year that would never end.
2008 should never have even began.

2009 is the ending of 2008. It is the start of a new beginning. A new year.
2009 is the year of hope, goals, and dreams.
2009 will bring new bodies, lives, and persons.
2009 will be the end all, begin again.

She is me.

2008-12-30T10:14:00.003-05:00

For some time now, almost one year, someone has been missing. I keep on searching for her, but she is no where to be found.

This person had everything. Love, intelligence, goals. A wonderful husband, a beautiful boy, and another son on the way. Though she did not see it then. her life was pretty much perfect, in almost every single way.
She had family, a roof over head. All the bills were paid, a great life she led.

Though she did not see it then, until it was too late. Then she ran away again. Like she had done many times in the past. Only now she was older, wiser, she had brains on her side.
Instead of disapeering, physically & actually running further away, she stayed this time. And just ran away from her mind.

No one knows she is even missing. They all believe she is me. No one knows I am holding her place right now. At least until she can be.

Until she can come back again, and lead a normal life. Until she can manage on her own again. Until she is no longer a threat to herself.
Until then I will be here, saving her place.
Until she is ready again to live her life once more.

Miss you Nana.

2008-12-25T16:20:00.003-05:00

One year ago today was the last time Nana was happy, healthy, and not in the hospital, the last time she was celebrating. Her last Christmas. The last time she was out, not at her own home.

One year ago, we were all celebrating. We were all happy, healthy, and Nana had a good enough buzz for the whole house.

Nana was, and always was the life and heart of any event, of any single day, any moment.

Just a few moments ago my father brought out my mothers gift from Tom, my children, and I, to show my dear Aunts Alice and Agnes.

Inside was a photo of Nana. We all started crying. This morning when my mom first opened it we all started crying.

This somehow managed to be the best Christmas, gift wise, food wise, everything. Only two things wrong. Alice not doing the cooking and not being here between 9-11am, and... Nana...

Man.. I miss her so much.. I haven't even been to her grave sight since Mothers day. I need to go.

I need her.

Nana, you are the heart and joy of the family.

You are the old lady with the dirty mind who made any shy person comfortable.
You were the light in all your grand children's eyes, even when we got into trouble.
We will miss you forever.
And you are always here, in our hearts.
With Love, Nicole

My Amazing Husband

2008-12-24T19:11:00.007-05:00

Tom gave me my Christmas gift tonight, in front of my parents, his, my brother, sister and her fiance.

I have been asking for a bracelet, with my kids birthstones since last Christmas. A week or two ago Tom told me he didn't get me it, again, but wanted to get me something "nicer" than I described. All I wanted was plastic beads in the right colors for my kids stones, on a plastic/wire bracelet thingy from an arts an crafts store, I just wanted him to throw one together..
This is why, I am terrible w/ jewelery and break everything, or never wear it because of lack of dressy occasion..
I bitched, I moaned, told him I was going to hate whatever bracelet he got me, told him I was going to throw it back in his face.. I was a rotton bitch. I deserved to have been bitch slapped right then and there.
He explained how much this bracelet meant, cost, and how important it was that he did this his way. He explained how I wasn't going to hate it, how I wasn't going to throw it into his face, how infact I was going to love it.

This is my new bracelet, that I cried while reading, and am still tearing up over:

Each of the 5 ovals say:

Nicole A. Montgomery
Jan. 23, 1987

Thomas H. Montgomery, Sr
June 6, 1979

Thomas H Montgomery, Jr
Sept. 6, 2005

Collin P. Montgomery
Jan. 17, 2008

Collin Bailey
Oct. 3, 2006
Forever In Our Hearts

When I saw the baby we miscarried included on my "family" bracelet.. that was it, black eyeliner was all over my face, lets just say it is a very good thing my battery died on my camera right after I first first first saw my beautiful gift.

I will be forever greatful for this, I probably will not take it off until it is lost or broken..
(I mentioned I am terrible w/ jewelery..)

More than a Moment.

2008-12-21T17:33:00.003-05:00

Man, why? Why oh fucking why?

I just read some awesomely wonderful amazing news. I will finally get to meet one of my bestest friends in the whole damn world. I think I deserve a fucking moment of fucking happiness?

Anyone else?

Or does everyone on the god damn planet want me to be miserable every fucking moment of every fucking day?

Man.. I love my parents to death, they are doing so much for me and my family, but do they need to make me feel even more disgusted with myself than I already am?

Do they need to remind me every fucking day that with out them, I wouldn't fucking exist and my children wouldn't have a fucking roof over their heads?
Do they need to remind me every fucking day that with out them, I would be completely fucked?
Do they need to rub in all they have to do is tell me to get out and I will be fucked?!
Does she need to tell me EVERYFUCKING HOUR OF EVERYFUCKING DAY that I need to save up and get an apartment?

Man..

Gingerbread Train

2008-12-21T16:41:00.005-05:00

Forever Tom and I have discussed building a Gingerbread house with our children. This is the first year Thomas is old enough to participate. We haven't done the house yet. We did our train this afternoon. Yes! We found a gingerbread train, how neat is that? We also saw a gingerbread tree, but didn't have the cash to grab it.

It was tough doing a craft project while living with my parents since they don't believe in any noise during the afternoon, since they snooze all day on the weekends on the couch/chair. Tom was shushing Thomas every three and a half seconds, not letting me put in any input. Thomas and I weren't able to help build it at all... Even most of the decorating he did.. It is so hard when Daddy/Tom is such a "perfectionist" when it comes to these kinds of things, which puts a damper on Thomas's creativity.. Basically Thomas and I put the candy/icing where we were told, and whispered the whole time. With all my bitching and moaning, we had fun. I love when the four of us our together, doing something, anything together..

Woman again!

2008-12-17T09:43:00.004-05:00

April 24th 2007 period shows.
May 6th 2007 find out we are expecting.
June ?th 2007 day of spotting after sex.
January 17th 2008 Collin Paul is born
January 17th-February 1st 2008 post pardum bleeding.
June 30th 2008 1st post pardum period.
July, August, September, October & November 2008, no period
July & August sex 3 times.
September 4th 2008 home pregnancy test negative.
September & October 2008 no sex.
November 5th & 13th, sex, pulls out.
December 15th 2008 period shows up.
I am woman again!

Santa

2008-12-16T13:02:00.002-05:00

Nana.

2008-12-16T10:12:00.003-05:00

Living upstairs made it easy as can be.
Have a nightmare? Just can't sleep?
Head on downstairs,
That's where she'll be.

"Coffee" in the morning,
cereal in the TMNT bowl.
Gotta eat it with the trix spoon,
It's the same everytime, ya know.

Grandpa's playhouse,
David the Gnome,
Eureka's castle,
We were never alone.

Never understanding
why Santa made two stops.
One "Christmas" at our house.
But the one at her's always rocked!

Aunt Jemima pancakes,
and the syrup too.
Always a perfect lunch,
and a perfect dinner too.

Playing out back,
in the turtle sandbox.
Hopping, skipping,
throwing some rocks.

Years went by,
we all aged.
Growing older and older.
She went so grey!

Her hair always the same,
the perm tight to her head.
She always dyed it brown.
But once it was brownish-red.

Her nose was like rudolph.
so red and so bright.
Her toes were crooked and mangled,
man, what a sight!

Solitaire, Uno, and Skipbo
were a few games we played.
While I snacked on her stuffed cherry peppers,
which she always had made.

While we played,
soaps we watched.
But you had to pay attention to her cheating,
in which I would always yell, stop.

And when we left her house,
it was always a blast.
1st stop, always was Dunkin'
I thought those days would last.

Whenever out to eat,
she would never let us pay.
It was like her way of thanking us,
for sharing our entire day.

Those days are gone,
forever missed.
Man I just want
one last forehead kiss.

One more teeth-hanging out smile.
One more silly grin.
One more chance to say,
Haha I win.

Just one more day,
just her and I.
Just one more day, PLEASE
I swear I won't cry.

Adults can give Santa a Call!

2008-12-13T14:43:00.005-05:00

1-772-257-4656 to give Santa a ring.

Just don't let the kiddies call, please.

East Haven's 1st Snow!

2008-12-10T15:33:00.004-05:00

Our 1st real snow was Saturday night into Sunday morning. The very 1st thing Thomas said when he saw was, "Can my go out and play in my snow Mommy? PLEASE?"

How freaking sweet is that? After begging for a half hour, we let him go out and play in the snow, at 9:30-10 o'clock in the morning!

Of course, since I have been picture posting crazy as of late, I have some shots to show off :D

Making a snowball

Getting ready to throw a snowball

After Thomas threw his snowball

Thomas and his Daddy building a snowman

Our Frosty, who is already melted completely away :[

I cannot wait for next year when the snow falls and Collin will be big enough to go play with Thomas in the snow.

2008 Lalla Gala

2008-12-10T14:07:00.003-05:00

Since as far back as I can remember my father's side of the family, the Lalla's, have gotten together one Sunday in December for our annual Christmas party. This year was no exception! Traditionally, my wonderful Aunt Julie, as the oldest Lalla sibling, plans the entire Gala, complete w/ Secret Santa for all the children who are under 18 or haven't graduated highschool, whatever comes last. Grab bags for the adults. Pot luck dinner, complete w/ birthday cake for those who's birthdays are in December, and other deserts. And the best part of all, for the past few years, my Father has been the big guy himself, Santa Claus!

This here is my Aunt Julie, who puts all of it together each and every year:

This is my newest cousin on this side of my family, Nicholas, he is my wonderful cousin's Wendy's youngest son:

And with his mama, Wendy:

My Thomas nervous, he doesn't like large crowds:

My Mommy:

My Daddy, getting dressed as Santa:

Thomas, with his Poppy, er.. I mean with Santa:

Collin's 1st time sitting on Santa's lap:

The big guy and me:

My parents, brother, husband and two boys:

My beautiful, wonderful, amazing family:

The Lalla Elders, and their spouses.
From left to right:
Uncle Jack, Aunt Julie, Uncle Henry, Aunt Ann, Aunt Marianne, Aunt Carol, My Daddy Paul, and My Mommy Grace:

And lastly, my tired little Collin, after meeting Santa:

Thomas's Trolley Ride

2008-12-07T12:51:00.003-05:00

In our town of East Haven, CT, there is The Shoreline Trolley Museum. We have been wanting to take Thomas there for ages now, just never have. Finally, since Santa is there every weekend from Thanksgiving to Christmas, we decided to go. Thomas was memorized by the entire experience, from the things on display, to the trolley ride from East Haven to Branford, to the trip to the "North Pole where we met the big guy himself, Santa!" Thomas was a nervous wreck in front of Santa, still a bit nervous about the big guy in the suit, lol. Santa gave Thomas an activity pad. We got some hot cocoa and cookies. Looked at all the trolleys from the 1920's. Collin was in his Snugli most of the time we were there, but he loved every single moment as well! While we were at the North Pole we totally missed the Trolley back to the station, we were too involved taking photo's.. We were told hop on the next, hed to Branford again, then to the station, or walk the mile and a half back in the dark. We got on that last trolley!

Here are a bunch of photographs of our afternoon at the Museum:
(Sorry there are so many)

Again, so sorry there are alot of shots, I cannot believe I took well over 200.. I need to chill with my camera!

And off to see another Santa today, at the annual Lalla Gala

Fantasy of Lights @ Lighthouse point park

2008-12-06T15:33:00.005-05:00

Every year Tom and I go to the F.O.L. This year Thomas was so involved and loved every single moment!

Wow! I can see again!

2008-12-05T19:21:00.003-05:00

I lost/broke/lost my glasses when Thomas was about 1, or closer to when he was 15 mos. That was Dec. 06. Since then pretty much everything has been a blur. Yea I haven't gotten them fixed, or gotten new glasses since.. Until the state was willing to completely pay for them that is :D

Here I am in my brand new glasses, I love lookin' like a book lovin' geek :D Yay me!
Oh, and ya gotta love Collin's cute wittle face in this shot

The things he says.

2008-12-05T14:12:00.004-05:00

In the car we have been listening to a lot of kids music, all Thomas's CDs.

Today, Thomas starts acting up in the car.

I say, "If you don't stop what you're doing I am going to turn ABC's off!"

He replies, "My gonna turn you off!"

He does it again.

2008-12-04T10:17:00.002-05:00

My husband, despite the fights and the bad words said, he is always right there.
He always talks me down, when I am at my worst.
I can only see darkness, and he is my light.
It never fails, with him, it always ends up alright.

I will go on, today and tomorrow.
I have to. I don't have a choice.

It also doesn't help, I am nothing but words.

no actions, just words.

Fuck.

2008-12-03T18:11:00.003-05:00

No birthday for Collin,
No christmas for my boys.
No work for my husband.
No happiness, no joy.

No where to go soon.
Not a place for me to live.
No reason to go on.
Why on earth should I continue to give?

Why do I care?
About everyone around me?
I put everyone 1st..
Yet, no one can see.

They think I blame all.
Anyone but myself.
They think I have no sense of anything
for anyone but myself.

They see me as a baby.
As one who could care less.
About anyone, anywhere,
About anyone but myself.

I do care.
I put everyone 1st.
If someone needed it,
Fuck, I would just rip off my shirt!

I cry, I grimace,
I run and I hide.
I just fucking let
my emotions hang on the outside.

I let people know how I feel.
I don't try to hide.
Its is everyone else
that cannot simply find.

They can't find their way.
Everyone comes to me.
Fuck them, I can't handle their shit!
Why can't they see?

Why can't they see,
that I just don't function right...
How can I take care of anyone,
when I don't even see the light?

I try my best to be
everyone's number 1.
I cannot do that anymore.
Don't they see I am done?

I am done putting everyone 1st
I need 1st to be my family.
I am done helping everyone.
I need to help me!

I don't want to live.
I don't want to care.
I don't want to be.
I don't want to share.

I am done sharing my hand,
when I get nothing in return.
No one can offer me hope.
Everyone just leaves me to burn.

Fuck everyone,
anyone I know.
I may not have
anywhere to go.

But I do have the fact that I try.
I always try.
But I am always left,
just left to just die.

I am not the selfish one
It is those around me.
Those that are just
to fucking selfish to see.

To see how they really are.
How they always blame me.
To see how they really act
How they hold that fucking key.

The key that controls
Everyway I am.
Controls how I feel.
How I am nothing but a lamb.

I cannot even call
myself a fucking sheep.
I am not big enough..
I am just a fucking creep..

I am nothing
I always have been..
I am nothing
I will always be.

Fuck you,
for I am fucked.
No where to go,
No one to want me,
No one to care,
No one even fucking really knows me
to even understand,
let alone,
offer a helping hand.
Fuck Everyone.

Conversation between Tom and I

2008-12-03T16:03:00.005-05:00

"Why aren't you trying to find work hun?"

"No ones hiring yet.."

"What about Mcdonalds or some crap like that? Ya know, it is something.."

"I make $XXX.XX on unemployment, do you really want me working part time for minimum wage?"

"No.. that would suck even more than you not working.."

"Then why do you keep bringing up me not having a job?"

"Because we cannot live the way we are much longer, Tom, I am not going to make it through this much longer!"

"Sweetie, we don't have a choice, this is the bed we made, we have to lay in it now."

"Our kids should not be living in this situation. They should not be sleeping in the same room as us. Thomas should be sleeping in a real bed! You and I should both be working. You and I are supposed to be raising the boys. Not us and my parents! We cannot live here much longer we need a place to live, Tom. Our boys need a place to live, not next year, not next week, but now! We need to get out and be on our own again!"

"I know, but we cannot be on our own until I can find work. I won't find work until I can make more than I get in unemployment, I can't do that until my union is hiring again and I pay off my dues."

"How can you pay off your dues if we cannot even afford to live on our own? Or Collin's birthday? Or Christmas? Or much of anything?"

"Nicole, this is not forever. We are going to get through this. We always get through everything."

"Yea.. Right.. I should just fuckin' end my life! Then I at least would not have to worry about where our kids next fucking meal comes from. Then I wouldn't have to worry about the fact that you all have a place to go but me.
Fuck it, I might as well just leave. I might as well be dead. Everyone would be better off, at least my negativity would be out of the way."

"Nicole? Stop talking like that! You shouldn't be talking like that. You know we need you. You know we love you. Stop talking about killing yourself. If there is anything that we don't need its that!"

"Well, Tom, this is me, this is who I am. I want to kill myself. No one really cares anyway, not you. Not my parents or yours. Hell the only people who even convince me they do really care I don't even fucking know. Fuck you. I am leaving. After I type out our convo on my blog I am leaving!"

"Yeah.. And where are you even going to go? You don't even have a car to get you anywhere!"

"Exactly. I am going to walk until I can't anymore, then end it. I am going to fucking end it all! I cannot feel this way anymore. I am sick of freaking out about life. I am done. I know my boys, and you, the loves of my life will be okay. I know I won't be. So I am going to leave, do something that I know will end my life. Then the cops will call after a few days, and ask you or my parents to identify my body. Then a bunch of no good assholes I can't even remember will come to my wake and funeral. Then I will just be a distant memory.
And the great part. The only good thing about everything about me is, is that the boys are so young they won't even remember what a douchebag, what a worthless piece of shit I really am! Isn't that awesome? They are so young they won't even need to know! Just tell them I love them, over and over, and will be with them when they pass on, when they are old and grey.

"Nicole, stop! You are not making any sense!"

"Yes hun, I am. I am not needed life sucks to much to be fixed for me. I love you and the boys so much that I know what is best for you three. And I am not it.

I reach in for a kiss, go and kiss the boys. Begin walking out the door.

"Nicole, stop what the fuck are you doing?"

"I told you I am done. You will get a call in a few days to i.d. my body. I love you."

I go into my brothers room, hop on his computer, type out this last conversation. Press "Publish Post" and leave.

Peace Yo'
Nicole Ann Lalla Montgomery

Mars and Venus

2008-12-02T13:07:00.001-05:00

Last night, we took the boys to McD's and saw a great sight!
Its was what we thought was the moon and two really bright stars,
when we got home we learned the bright stars were Mars and Venus!

No more Cheesecake

2008-11-29T10:50:00.003-05:00

As we all know I have been doing great with dieting and exercise. I have been working out 4-5 times a week, walking daily, and eating right. Until the holiday of course.. I swear since Thursday I have had at least six slices of cheesecake, oops. Thats not including the banana creme pie, the apple pie, the mashed potato's, the everything, LOL! This is so hard there is still half a cheesecake in the fridge.. I want it so bad.. Instead I marched my way over, grabbed a bottle of water and a granola bar, chugged the water-all of it and ate my granola bar. I am full. I still can devour that cheesecake if I let myself though ;]

No more cheesecake. I just posted yesterday that I am in a size 11. I will get to a size 9, I am not going the other way. I am not fighting this battle for nothing here! I can continue, two days of feasting is not going to knock me down!

Feels So Good.

2008-11-28T12:03:00.003-05:00

Today is Black Friday. Never once have I ever set foot into a store on black Friday before. Until today. I had to go to Wal*Mart, LEI jeans were just $8, instead of the usual $20. Cannot beat that right? I needed new pants anyway since all of mine are too big front the weight loss. So I go in and there is only one pair in my "new" size, juniours 13. Since I am planning on losing more weight I bought a pair of 11's in hope of fitting in them by the new year. I haven't worn an 11 since I was in 6th grade, 11/12 years old. Well fuck me! They fit now! I am so flippin' ecstatic it't not even the least bit funny.

Dream size, 9, here I come!

Thanksgiving

2008-11-27T12:58:00.004-05:00

What do I have to be thankful for? Most definitely my children, my husband, my parents, my inlaws, and my few few friends. What else? Hmmm... I don't think there is anything else. I hate this. I hate being so fucking negative, especially on a holiday. Especially a holiday were you are supposed to be so fucking grateful for what you have.. How can I be full of thanks when I feel so terrible. When I have so much hatred, guilt, and self-pity filling my soul? How can I be thankful, when this is been the worst year of my entire life? When will I get over this? When will I get over myself? When will I move on with my life? Why do I always live in the past?

Happy Turkey..

Goals.

2008-11-25T17:54:00.004-05:00

Screw Everyone who believes my life will fail.
I don't need anything negative in my life.
I can better my life
-all aspects of it.

January is coming quick. January usually means new years resolutions that no one keeps.
I have quite a few I have been contemplating for this year. I will stick through mine until they come true.

My goals for 2009.
1. Get down to a size 6/7, or 130 lbs.
2. Move into a 2-3 bedroom apartment or house, that I can see my family staying in for years to come. A place for us to live until we are ready to purchase our 1st home.
3. Pay off all debts.
4. Stay drug-free.
5. Teach my oldest son the preschool basics.
6. Get my menstrual cycle back to normal.
-and lastly, and only if the above 6 come true:
7. Start TTC#3!

Who's to blame?

2008-11-23T14:56:00.005-05:00

Did I come off as placing the blame?
You are not to blame.
I am to blame.
What can I say...
I made a terrible choice.
I knew from the start,
not to let you in.
I knew from the start,
what would be.

I made my bed.
Now I have to lay in it.

Dear Sarah,

2008-11-21T16:38:00.006-05:00

I hope this letter finds you in the worst of health,
in a worse off place than I find myself.

In recent months I have wanted to thank you.
Thank you for telling me you would always be my friend.
Telling me you would always be there.
Telling me you would never let me try it.
Telling me you would always care.

Thank you for lending a helping hand.
That helping hand helped so much.
Helped us get hooked, lose our home.
Don't worry hun, I kept it all hushed.

Thank you for sending me spiraling down,
so low that I don't see any way up.
Thank you for all the lies.
For making me trust.

Only a friend as kind as you
can come in and out of my life.
And each time I let you in again
you push deeper that knife.

You were my truest friend
Time and time again.
Each and every time
My heart is harder to mend.

This time was the hardest
The hardest to bare.
How can I get through this now?
When you don't even care?

You have hurt me so many times.
Each time gets worse and worse.
What you wanted, you took,
Now I glance back, I take one last look.
I truly hope you die my friend.
Because it is my life you have cursed.
-with love, Nicole.

Whats worse?

2008-11-21T11:19:00.002-05:00

Yesterday we were given some bad news. My parents house they are renting is in foreclosure. The landlords are telling us it is not, but we were served the papers. The marshell had no clue there were tenants in the home. If it were the landlord, they would have until Nov. 25th to get out. It is a bit different for tenants, not much but a bit different. The marshell will come again on or a few days after the 25th to tell us our options. He said basically that they will give us our "get out" date. This really sucks. If Tom and I both start working today, we still will not be able to get our own place within 90 days. We have to fix our credit before either of us will be able to rent an apartment. Our credit is just that bad.. My father told us when they have to find a place they are looking for a 4 rm rent, which means we can't come. Which means, Tom and the kids will go move to my IL's but I have absolutely no where to go. No Where... I am really freaked out. I don't know what to do. I spoke with the state this morning, and they will help me find a shelter, but I am not bad off enough where they can help me with housing. WTF? I explained that My kids and I need a home. Need a place to stay. I didn't tell the lady that the kids can go to my IL's I made us sound worse off.. Apparently not too bad though since all they can do for us is a shelter. I am so scared. Last night I was in such a bad state of mind all I was thinking about when suicide again. I don't know what to do. I want another kid? How dare I even think about getting off the methodone and getting my body back to normal and getting pregnant if I don't even have a place to live?!

I have 65 days clean today. Which I am very proud of. I am on new meds. I am seeing a new shrink and counselor and going to groups for women addicts, mother and child, and relapse prevention. Tom is in the same boat as me, he has 38 days clean.. He just go his methodone dose to the right amount for him to be "functioning" So he just started working his butt off to find some work. He is actually doing some side jobs this weekend. But the union he is in still has no work.

I thought things were getting better. I thought things couldnt get any worse. I honestly do not no what to do. Tomorrow morning when I go to get my med I am going to ask to speak to someone. I need to talk to a professional. I am just not in a healthy state of mind. I mean I am when it comes to posting to other topics online. But not when I am just sitting or doing something around the house.. Its like I need to stay online or play with the boys just to keep my mind for fucking with me.

I thought things were getting much better.

Suicidal Tendencies.

2008-11-20T17:16:00.005-05:00

No where to go,
No where to turn.
Seroquel staring at me,
Should I give it a whirl?
Will the sixty I have do it?
Should I add the twenty neurontin too?
Add a few zoloft and celexa.
Will it do?

Is Suicide a Choice?
"No. Choice implies that a suicidal person can reasonably look at alternatives and select among them. If they could rationally choose, it would not be suicide. Suicide happens when all other alternatives are exhausted -- when no other choices are seen."
- Adina Wrobleski Suicide: Why? (1995)

Motrin Offends Moms w/ this one

2008-11-18T10:40:00.003-05:00

Motrin comes out with this ad for baby-wearing moms:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BmykFKjNpdY

Pulls it after offending a billion moms:
http://motrin.com/

And my new favorite mom makes a comeback:
http://motherhooduncensored.typepad.com/motherhood_uncensored/2008/11/if-you-cant-joi.html

First Birthday Party Drama

2008-11-17T12:44:00.003-05:00

Okay Mcd's is out. We are talking $500 or more :(
So we will rent the same hall my wedding was in. So we need..
Invitations
Decorations
Food-plates, cups, silverware, napkins
Cake-knife, plates
Games-pin the tail, clown, pinata

Guess now I need a theme...

Oh. My. Gosh.

2008-11-14T17:28:00.004-05:00

Applied at Olive Garden, interview on Monday.

Signed up for Sittercity.com, care.com and nannies4hire.com

Put ad on Craigslist for babysitting.

I need money. NOW.

Collins party is Jan 18th. I have 20 kids OVER 1 coming (5 under).

We are doing a McD's party- $9.99/child, 10x20=200!!! $200.00 for JUST the kids to come... NOT including anything else. The space, the food, the cake, just for the kids.

What about the 50+ Adults?

AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!

The never ending cycle.

2008-11-13T13:50:00.003-05:00

I convince my dad to spend $129 on a study guide to get me into working for the USPS. $129 I need to pay back when I get a job, fail the test, or do not land a job on the 1st interview. Well.. I finally get all the materials. For what? For me to find out that not one post office in CT is currently hiring. Not one. I can move anywhere else and apply. Just not in CT.. Maybe I should move to MD, or MA, or NJ, or RI..

Oh wait.

Can't move.
Can't move with out money.
Can't have money until I find a well paying job.
Can't find a well paying job unless I move.
Can't move without money.
Can't move.

Gotta love this vicious cycle.

Counting Cals, Photography, Parenting, Sobriety, & The Work Force

2008-11-11T20:50:00.007-05:00

Counting Cals
Eating healthy is going great! 3 days is longer than I have ever made it. I haven't eaten over 1,500 calories in three days, but am not hungry. Now to work on including breakfast everyday. It is a pain in the butt to watch calories though, but I like having something to focus on.

Sunday: 1,445
Monday: 1,245
Tuesday: 1,169

I will probably have another snack around 9:30..

Photography 101
I just joined a new message board, http://ilovephotography.com/forums/, I probably won't frequent it as much as I do the photo-board on Just Mommies, but I will hang around a bit.

I am still struggling in Manual on my camera.. for some reason I cannot get anything but very black photo's unless it is complete daylight.. whatever, I will figure it out something.

I applied for 3 different photography positions today, hopefully someone will call. All of them provide free training, so we will see.

Bed time Blues
I have never mentioned this before, but we really have a lot of trouble getting Thomas to sleep and were starting to have the same issues with Collin. Not only did I start my diet on Sunday, but I started a new bedtime routine for the boys. 7:45 Collin gets his last bottle. We brush his teeth. By now it is 8p.m. I put on his Baby Mozart DVD. I lay him down w/ his blankey, lion, puppy, and wormy. Give him his kiss and tell him I love him and walk out. He is completely out by 8:30, so then it is Thomas's turn. He brushes his teeth, goes potty one last time and then picks a movie. I put it on, tuck him in and give him a kiss and hug and we say our I love you's. The boys are adjusting well to this. I really hope it sticks!

Sobriety
Man does it suck... I watched intervention last night and was nearly drooling over a guy sticking a needle in his arm. How freaking sick? Today I was finally given a urine at the program.. but of course, I couldn't pee. I swear unless I am pregnant or peeing on a stick I cannot go. I can't.. This sucks, I cannot progress in the program unless they know I am clean, they won't know I am clean unless I give a urine. And.. I cannot give a urine..

Also, my counselor left Friday.. So I am without a counselor.. Also, I was supposed to meet the psychiatrist for the 1st time last week but he had an emergency. I cannot reschedule that appt. until I get a new counselor, so another week or so I have to wait. I really need to build a rapport with these people so I can learn to trust them and fully open up. I need to get a lot out, figure out a lot, and learn some things about myself. And get on some medication..

The Work Force
I quit Stop & Shop 3 weeks ago, started selling kirbys, quit that.. Now I am waiting for the post office to send me my practice tests and test date. Hopefully I can get in.. At least it pays well and has awesome benefits. I would have loved to have stuck w/ Kirby, I was sooo good at it! The hours sucked though, I was never home. 8:45a-9:30-10p is way too long of a day with two small children.

Counting Cals.

2008-11-10T18:58:00.005-05:00

So far today:
20 oz hot cocoa from gas station, 225
toms ckn noodle soup w/ 5 ritz cracker, 230
12 oz iced tea, 120
1c prepared speghetti w/ 2tbsp lobster sauce and 1 tbsp grated cheese, 260
1 tbsp reese pb chips, 80
1 brownie, 80

Yesterday, my grand total was 1445 with a few things I ate after I posted yesterday.

Figuring out settings.

2008-11-10T16:05:00.002-05:00

I just finally figured out how to change the shutter speed and aperture on my camera :D YAY!

154?!?!

2008-11-09T18:54:00.009-05:00

Oh no! I knew the halloween candy would do it. I knew it.. I have been pigging out, porking out, and just plain devouring chocolate, sweets, brownies, and cookies for the past 10 days. Of course some of the lbs I have lost came back.. So freaking depressing. I have always been on the heavy side. At 13 I wieghed 140 lbs. At 14 I was up to 160. 15, 150. 16, 160. 17, 180. 18, 200. 19, 180, 20, 175, 21, 214. I am still 21. Since January I have lost 64 lbs, getting me down to 150 lbs, the lowest since I was 15, six years ago. Sadly, I did not do this the right way, but I have never felt better about my physical appearance, but after cleaning up my life, my old eating habits have been returning. Now, to maintain my healthy weight, maybe drop 20 lbs more. I want to do this right! I read that to maintain my weight with my body type and metabolism I should eat 2016 Calories/day now for fat loss 1612 Calories/day and for extreme fat loss, 1232 Calories/day. I have also read cutting down more than 500 Cal/day in a short time or more, will slow my metabolism. We do not want that! Anyway, within my ramblings I will also include what I have eaten for the day, as of that post. I normally have around 2,500-3,000 calories a day. So for the next 4 days I will aim for 2,000, with 25,000 being the absolute most. Today, I was busy so it was a slow eating day for me. I find if I am bored or not busy I eat more.

So here is today, so far, I will probably eat another something before bed, always have a snack around 9, 3 hours before bedtime.
24 oz of iced tea, 240 cal.
1 So. Beach dinner, 240 cal.
1 choco. donut, 180 cal.
2 fun size candy bars, 160 cal.
1 slice of bacon, 80 cal.
16 oz hot chocolate, 225 cal.
Total: 1125 cal

I have also walked the block and raked ½ the yard.

Oh! Just an F.Y.I. my BMI is 25, making me over weight. A healthy weight for someone my height is 115-145, depending on body type. My goal is 130 lbs! 24 lbs to lose!

Another Warm Day.

2008-11-09T16:58:00.003-05:00

I could have sworn it was November. I could have sworn October was quite chilly. I could have sworn by now, the only way we would be going outside would be bundled up.

No, not yet.

MyShutterSpace.com

2008-11-08T21:58:00.001-05:00

Shooting in Auto

2008-11-07T23:17:00.003-05:00

I have really been trying to shoot out of auto, and have found my self stuck in AP, maybe I should go back to Auto for a minute ;]

Click this: Four Reasons Not to Write off Shooting in Automatic.

Join in on ridding the world of Bush!

2008-11-07T08:50:00.003-05:00

Been so long!

2008-11-06T22:59:00.003-05:00

I cannot believe I am talking to her! My best friend, and we have never even met. She is the only one that I can actually tell any-and everything to without feeling judged. There are a few women from JM that I can trust like this, but for some reason, I chose her. She is my rock. I swear I can probably run away from home, and go live under her front porch and she wouldn't even mind.

Rachel, thank you for logging on to AIM and giving me a few moments of a real conversation, even if we always just bullshit.

Photography 101

2008-11-06T09:59:00.005-05:00

Went to East Rock Tuesday, here are a few shots from the day.