Nicole's Notions

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Conversation between Tom and I

"Why aren't you trying to find work hun?"

"No ones hiring yet.."

"What about Mcdonalds or some crap like that? Ya know, it is something.."

"I make $XXX.XX on unemployment, do you really want me working part time for minimum wage?"

"No.. that would suck even more than you not working.."

"Then why do you keep bringing up me not having a job?"

"Because we cannot live the way we are much longer, Tom, I am not going to make it through this much longer!"

"Sweetie, we don't have a choice, this is the bed we made, we have to lay in it now."

"Our kids should not be living in this situation. They should not be sleeping in the same room as us. Thomas should be sleeping in a real bed! You and I should both be working. You and I are supposed to be raising the boys. Not us and my parents! We cannot live here much longer we need a place to live, Tom. Our boys need a place to live, not next year, not next week, but now! We need to get out and be on our own again!"

"I know, but we cannot be on our own until I can find work. I won't find work until I can make more than I get in unemployment, I can't do that until my union is hiring again and I pay off my dues."

"How can you pay off your dues if we cannot even afford to live on our own? Or Collin's birthday? Or Christmas? Or much of anything?"

"Nicole, this is not forever. We are going to get through this. We always get through everything."

"Yea.. Right.. I should just fuckin' end my life! Then I at least would not have to worry about where our kids next fucking meal comes from. Then I wouldn't have to worry about the fact that you all have a place to go but me.
Fuck it, I might as well just leave. I might as well be dead. Everyone would be better off, at least my negativity would be out of the way."

"Nicole? Stop talking like that! You shouldn't be talking like that. You know we need you. You know we love you. Stop talking about killing yourself. If there is anything that we don't need its that!"

"Well, Tom, this is me, this is who I am. I want to kill myself. No one really cares anyway, not you. Not my parents or yours. Hell the only people who even convince me they do really care I don't even fucking know. Fuck you. I am leaving. After I type out our convo on my blog I am leaving!"

"Yeah.. And where are you even going to go? You don't even have a car to get you anywhere!"

"Exactly. I am going to walk until I can't anymore, then end it. I am going to fucking end it all! I cannot feel this way anymore. I am sick of freaking out about life. I am done. I know my boys, and you, the loves of my life will be okay. I know I won't be. So I am going to leave, do something that I know will end my life. Then the cops will call after a few days, and ask you or my parents to identify my body. Then a bunch of no good assholes I can't even remember will come to my wake and funeral. Then I will just be a distant memory.
And the great part. The only good thing about everything about me is, is that the boys are so young they won't even remember what a douchebag, what a worthless piece of shit I really am! Isn't that awesome? They are so young they won't even need to know! Just tell them I love them, over and over, and will be with them when they pass on, when they are old and grey.

"Nicole, stop! You are not making any sense!"

"Yes hun, I am. I am not needed life sucks to much to be fixed for me. I love you and the boys so much that I know what is best for you three. And I am not it.

I reach in for a kiss, go and kiss the boys. Begin walking out the door.

"Nicole, stop what the fuck are you doing?"

"I told you I am done. You will get a call in a few days to i.d. my body. I love you."

I go into my brothers room, hop on his computer, type out this last conversation. Press "Publish Post" and leave.

Peace Yo'
Nicole Ann Lalla Montgomery



Blogger I'm Rachel said...

Nicole I don't know what to do, but I feel like I must do something. You're family can't lose you and neither can I. I love you and need you and know that life will get better. It has to. I'm on AIM if you want to talk.

December 3, 2008 at 9:01 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

December 4, 2008 at 6:49 PM  
Anonymous Ramah said...

I don't really know what to say only that I wanted to say something... i wish i could help but here's a hug and I hope it works out! and just remember no matter what you think you're boys will miss you!

December 4, 2008 at 6:53 PM  

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