Desperately seeking help and guidance

I thought these feelings were behind me. I thought I had everything under control. Not anymore.
The suicidal thoughts are back with a vengeance. The depression and psychotic breaks are tearing me to shreds. I need a helping hand. A miracle worker. Help.

At this exact moment I am struggling, with every part of my being, not to slam my face into the drywall. Struggling to stay away from the pills bottles and knives. Struggling to stay calm. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, if it weren't for this life inside of me at this moment, I would be back where I was a year ago, trying to end my life.

I sit here typing this as it is my only way to get these ramped thoughts out of my mind. Tears streaming down my face, fingers barely able to find the right keys as my hands shake so tremendously.

The only person I am willing to call and speak to about these thoughts will admit me immediately. I cannot, though I desperately need to, go back into the nut house. I have to work. I have to make it to my appointments. My children need me here, home. Yet, I need me sane.

Doctors, medication, and counseling cannot help me right now. Only the state of Connecticut can, yet they won't, not until things get worse. I cannot, as a mother, as a human being, let things get worse.

I learned today, after doing some math and speaking to a few social workers, there is no way I can come up with my rent this month. My utilities are officially way past due. I should shut off my internet, cable, and phone; but am petrified of what I would do without any connection to the outside world. I have no idea where my children and I will be going in a few weeks. I cannot even throw my son a 4th birthday party, as I don't even know where I will be living. I had one thing I have been looking forward to, which will only cost $25 tops, and I cannot go. I can't even afford clothing that fits me. If it weren't for the baby shower my wonderful aunt is throwing for me and a few dear friends, my soon to be daughter would have nothing.

No one knows this but I am seriously considering putting her up for adoption. It breaks my heart to even type this as I cannot even say it out loud. I have wanted a daughter so desperately for years. Yet, right now, how dare I even contemplate bringing another child into my life? How dare I bring her into my household when I can't even support myself or my two boys. There are millions upon millions of women out there so desperate to have a child of their own. Those women would give everything to make sure she was well taken care of. I can't even take care of her when she is in the most protected place she will ever be in.

I never saw myself here..I swear a few years ago, I would have never seen myself as a heroin addict, manic depressive bi-polar psycho, who believes her children are truly better off without her. Yes. I do believe they are better off with out me. At least they wouldn't be looking at living in a damn shelter in a few weeks. Or sharing a couch and floor with each other and their parents in the middle of drive-by central. At least then, if I weren't here, the state would help my boys.

Yes. That is where we will be in a few weeks. Either in my in-laws living room, living in the middle of the ghetto, where the house next door gets shot at on a weekly basis. Or.. In a fucking homeless shelter. And, not until we are homeless for 60 damn days will the lovely, children 1st state of Connecticut, lend a helping hand.

Fuck. I have always fended for myself. Never needed to live off the damn state. Yes. I got married young. Yes, I was a teen mother. But damn it. My children, almost all three, in fact all 5 of my damn pregnancies have been fathered by the same man. Damn it. I moved out at 16, always been able to pay my own damn way. Even when the damn times got tough, my husband and I have gotten through it.

Then I lost my mind. Then everything went down hill. Starting with the depression and suicide attempt, continuing with the heroin, followed by us losing everything. Then things started looking up. For a whole couple months. Now... Back to falling down this damn hole into the pit of darkness, where everyone is just standing at the top laughing at us struggling to hold on.

I am sick on holding on. I am sick of fighting so hard to provide for my children. I just want what any caring mother wants.

To provide for my children.

I just want some help finding a place and paying to get out foot in the damn door. And a damn job for my husband. Yep. Fourteen months laid off now. Unemployment should have run out weeks ago, yet, some how he is still collecting. Some people would love to make what he makes a week in unemployment at a real job. But when your rent is more than most mortgages in the area.. it just does not cut it.



I knew if I began to type I would calm down. At least for now the tears and shaking have stopped. Now to prevent these suicidal thoughts from returning I must continue to fight and search for help. I know it has to be out there. I know this damn state cannot really expect someone who is actually not milking the system to go into a shelter with a preschooler, toddler, and soon to be newborn. I know if I keep fighting, as much as I don't want to I will find what I need to take care of my boys.

Been a while huh?

Wow, I haven't blogged in ages! So much has happened!



I am in my 2nd trimester of my pregnancy-going great, check the details (and pictures) our at my other blog The Unexpected. Oh, if boy, baby is Samual Adam; if girl, Bailey Grace Elizabeth.

My parents moved out! We are officially on our own. Tom and I in our own room. Thomas in his own real bed. Collin in his crib, when he isn't climbing out. The boys are lucky enough to have a playroom, all to themselves! They love it! I my own computer back, though it is really slow and old, I have my photoshop back! We have the backyard all to ourselves, the boys love it!
-Oh and we also have a roommate! Vinny is my brothers friend of 7 or 8 years. And helps us out with the rent, which is great! He isn't ever home when I am so it works perfectly!

Work is going great! I love waitressing so much its weird. I love the tips, the attention, and all the flirting. Who knew being pregnant would turn on so many guys? In fact, one guy actually said to me, "Man I so wanna bite the shit out of your belly!" WTF?? Whatever... Hours will be getting cut soon as the leagues are all ending, but all is well.

The meth. program sucks.. I refuse to see the shrink there anymore, as he thinks I am crazy.. Apparently I am not stable enough to take home my methadone bottles, I may OD or poison my kids or something... Fuck him. Plus he wants to prescribe me meds that are catagory X for pregnancy... Fuck him again. I really wish I could detox. I really want to detox. I believe I am ready to detox. I can't detox. Detoxing means buh-bye baby. That would be bad!

My mind is really fucking me. I am having problems decifering fact from fiction, and reality from dreams as of late, and I need to find a new shrink to discuss this shit.. Thank god for free medical now.. I am having alot of manic-down mood swings lately and rapid crazy highs.. I know I need to find a med that I can safely take while pregnany and breastfeeding. I refuse to take a med I cannot breastfeed on, or that will harm my child.

Mostly though things really are going well. Heck I am even planning my very 1st weekend EVER out of CT!

Oh! Here are my latest photos and creation from photoshop!

Got some facts.

Finally, I know some facts.

Here's the story, Daddy is talking to a 21 year old mentally challenged pedophile. He thinks no one knows. We all thought this relationship ended last May. I guess it is still going on, behind everyone's back.

Truth is out now, she never calls him. Only three times since October. He calls her every other day, usually 4 days a week. No call is longer than 6 minutes. And usually there is two in a row.

Can it be, "Hey I am on my way."
Followed by a, "Hey I am here!"

?? Why would he call her? What does he see in her? Why would anyone want to socialize with a person who thinks its normal to violate children?


I will get to the bottom of this and make these scumbags pay.

Daddy Dearest.

Darling daughter, special son...
both of which always considered number one.
When will I be number one?
Wait I am now... Number one when it comes to making the health and financial decisions when Daddy dearest is too far gone to do so himself.
Other than when it comes to smarts I am nothing. Daddy's biggest fuck up, though I am the only child of his with a job, that has ever fled the nest, that takes care of his or her own.

Why is dearest daughter can't even call and ask how I am? Why is it she and special son, both just think I am stupid and need to 'grow up'?
Do they not see how damaged I truley am

I need a friend.

I need a friend to be there for me, as I can be there for them.
I need a friend to listen when I need an ear.
I need a friend who will get me away, when I can't catch a break.
I need a friend who can watch my kids, so I can get some time alone.
I need a friend who can gossip and bitch with the best of 'em.
I need a friend who can come to me with any of their problems.
I need a friend who can count on me, and let me count on them
I need a friendship that goes both ways.
I need a friend.

How will I get by?

How will I get by with out you to bitch to?
How will I get by with out you to help me through?
How will I get by with out you by my side?
Who will I complain to?
Who will I hang out with when I am bored?
Who will I go out to lunch with? And Will they pay?

Nana, through out each of my pregnancies, you have always been there.
Been there to listen, keep company, and to gossip.
Who will help me stay sane this time?
Who will calm my nerves?
Who will drive me to the hospital?
Remember! It is supposed to be you!
Remember after I had Collin? Finally 21? You and I were supposed to go out for drinks at Chilli's! And for our "shots." Man those shots at chilli's were so good...

Who will rock this baby to sleep? Who will instantly stop this baby's crying?
Collin still is desperate to meet you! He wants cookies too.
Thomas misses you bunches, lady, why can't you still be here?

This year without you has been hell, I need you to help me make life better.
Without you, life just doesn't seem worth it.
But I am still needed, so I have to wait to join you.
Listen lady, as soon as I can, I will! I still need my rematch in Skipbo, I know you cheated!

Thomas was asking for you on Halloween. Wondered where you were.
The holidays aren't the same without you, Nana.
We all need you here.

But you are gone. No longer here.
No longer there to listen, to care.

My mother will never take your place.
She will never be the Nana you were.
Hopefully one day, I can compare.



Nana, I hope Tom is right!
I hope this baby is your way of coming back.
I hope this baby is your way of shedding some light.

Tom misses you so much also.
He had no one to get drunk with at Christmas,
no one to pass out at the table with.


Man oh man lady, we need you still..

Father, for you have sinned.

Stop this man for he will kill.

Kill my body mind and soul.

Does he not seee what he does to me? To my husband? My children?

My husband should not worry if today is the day I kill.

He should not worry if it is my father or I.

Its funny how it is my father who provides.

He provides my family with shelter. With light. With cable and internet entertainment.

But why must he rub it in our face during every waking hour.
Not with warm words, but with hurtful angry ones, which make us feel like insignificants, losers, failures.

Then comes big the apology.
The, "I'm sorry, I don't know why I acted that way."
The, "Let me buy you off with presents, or pay you off with cash."

Can't he just understand? We are doing everything in our power now. We are saving every cent.
Does he not see how focused we are? Not even to get out for us. To get away from him.

My children do not need to see mommy screaming and slamming her face into walls.
Especially as she is working so hard on staying calm.

What works? I sat in here counting to 10.. didn't work.. biting my nails.. didn't work.. squeezing my pillow, hugging my son.. nothing works to stay calm, its even worse with him. At least when I argue with my husband, I end up braking down. Realizing how stupid I have been behaving. Not with dear fucking Daddy. Maybe its the clashing personalities.. Maybe the zodiac actually means something. Maybe its our destany for being born exactly 30 years apart to the day. Who fucking knows? Yet, we clash. Bad. Nothing but another can stop us when we fight.


Yet, here I go rambling on again, again with no point.

Whatever, one day it won't get to me. One day I will get out of this state. One day he will realize he needs to just grow the fuck up..

Missing her.

Growing up, for the longest time she was my bestest. My closest. The only one I could tell my deepest, darkest secrets to. And when she is around I still feel the same. Why? I give her my all, I call weekly to check in on her and my nephew. I want to spend time together like in the past. Just bullshitting like always. Her doing my hair, me giving her advice. Maybe driving around aimlessly blasting to some shit, trying to get lost. Or just sitting around watching 7th Heaven, boy meets world and full house reruns. Or even, just sitting on the phone for hours.. I miss those days. You would think now that we both have children we should get to get together more often for the boys to play.

Yet, I feel she wants nothing to do with me. She never calls. Never wants to hang out. Never wants to do anything with me. She doesn't even consider me a friend anymore according to her myspace surveys... heck according to those she doesn't even remember her own nephew was born the same year as her son.. When we talk she is never concerned about how I am, though I am always wondering about her. Hoping she is coping with living with her mom. Hoping she is coping with a fiance that isn't motivated to get their family a place of their own. Hoping she is coping with life as a mother. I worry about her greatly, deeply, constantly.

Does she worry about me? Would she care if I did go through with my suicidal thoughts? Would she even notice if I weren't here anymore? Does she ever want to spend any time with me anymore? Will it change when the boys get a bit older? Or will it be like it is now? Her moms family is number one.. and everyone else is garbage.

All I want is to plan weekly, or bi-monthly play dates. Maybe her and I could hit the gym together. Or go out shopping.. Anything..

What she and I need is to socialize with other mothers. Other women. What is better than your own flesh and blood? Your own sister? We are both women. We are both mothers. Why can we not spend time together? Why doesn't she want to spend time with me?

Do I have cooties or something? Do I smell?

Miss you sis...

More than a Moment.

Man, why? Why oh fucking why?

I just read some awesomely wonderful amazing news. I will finally get to meet one of my bestest friends in the whole damn world. I think I deserve a fucking moment of fucking happiness?

Anyone else?

Or does everyone on the god damn planet want me to be miserable every fucking moment of every fucking day?



Man.. I love my parents to death, they are doing so much for me and my family, but do they need to make me feel even more disgusted with myself than I already am?

Do they need to remind me every fucking day that with out them, I wouldn't fucking exist and my children wouldn't have a fucking roof over their heads?
Do they need to remind me every fucking day that with out them, I would be completely fucked?
Do they need to rub in all they have to do is tell me to get out and I will be fucked?!
Does she need to tell me EVERYFUCKING HOUR OF EVERYFUCKING DAY that I need to save up and get an apartment?

Man..

Fuck.

No birthday for Collin,
No christmas for my boys.
No work for my husband.
No happiness, no joy.

No where to go soon.
Not a place for me to live.
No reason to go on.
Why on earth should I continue to give?

Why do I care?
About everyone around me?
I put everyone 1st..
Yet, no one can see.

They think I blame all.
Anyone but myself.
They think I have no sense of anything
for anyone but myself.

They see me as a baby.
As one who could care less.
About anyone, anywhere,
About anyone but myself.

I do care.
I put everyone 1st.
If someone needed it,
Fuck, I would just rip off my shirt!

I cry, I grimace,
I run and I hide.
I just fucking let
my emotions hang on the outside.

I let people know how I feel.
I don't try to hide.
Its is everyone else
that cannot simply find.

They can't find their way.
Everyone comes to me.
Fuck them, I can't handle their shit!
Why can't they see?

Why can't they see,
that I just don't function right...
How can I take care of anyone,
when I don't even see the light?

I try my best to be
everyone's number 1.
I cannot do that anymore.
Don't they see I am done?

I am done putting everyone 1st
I need 1st to be my family.
I am done helping everyone.
I need to help me!

I don't want to live.
I don't want to care.
I don't want to be.
I don't want to share.

I am done sharing my hand,
when I get nothing in return.
No one can offer me hope.
Everyone just leaves me to burn.

Fuck everyone,
anyone I know.
I may not have
anywhere to go.

But I do have the fact that I try.
I always try.
But I am always left,
just left to just die.

I am not the selfish one
It is those around me.
Those that are just
to fucking selfish to see.

To see how they really are.
How they always blame me.
To see how they really act
How they hold that fucking key.

The key that controls
Everyway I am.
Controls how I feel.
How I am nothing but a lamb.

I cannot even call
myself a fucking sheep.
I am not big enough..
I am just a fucking creep..

I am nothing
I always have been..
I am nothing
I will always be.

Fuck you,
for I am fucked.
No where to go,
No one to want me,
No one to care,
No one even fucking really knows me
to even understand,
let alone,
offer a helping hand.
Fuck Everyone.

Conversation between Tom and I

"Why aren't you trying to find work hun?"

"No ones hiring yet.."

"What about Mcdonalds or some crap like that? Ya know, it is something.."

"I make $XXX.XX on unemployment, do you really want me working part time for minimum wage?"

"No.. that would suck even more than you not working.."

"Then why do you keep bringing up me not having a job?"

"Because we cannot live the way we are much longer, Tom, I am not going to make it through this much longer!"

"Sweetie, we don't have a choice, this is the bed we made, we have to lay in it now."

"Our kids should not be living in this situation. They should not be sleeping in the same room as us. Thomas should be sleeping in a real bed! You and I should both be working. You and I are supposed to be raising the boys. Not us and my parents! We cannot live here much longer we need a place to live, Tom. Our boys need a place to live, not next year, not next week, but now! We need to get out and be on our own again!"

"I know, but we cannot be on our own until I can find work. I won't find work until I can make more than I get in unemployment, I can't do that until my union is hiring again and I pay off my dues."

"How can you pay off your dues if we cannot even afford to live on our own? Or Collin's birthday? Or Christmas? Or much of anything?"

"Nicole, this is not forever. We are going to get through this. We always get through everything."

"Yea.. Right.. I should just fuckin' end my life! Then I at least would not have to worry about where our kids next fucking meal comes from. Then I wouldn't have to worry about the fact that you all have a place to go but me.
Fuck it, I might as well just leave. I might as well be dead. Everyone would be better off, at least my negativity would be out of the way."

"Nicole? Stop talking like that! You shouldn't be talking like that. You know we need you. You know we love you. Stop talking about killing yourself. If there is anything that we don't need its that!"

"Well, Tom, this is me, this is who I am. I want to kill myself. No one really cares anyway, not you. Not my parents or yours. Hell the only people who even convince me they do really care I don't even fucking know. Fuck you. I am leaving. After I type out our convo on my blog I am leaving!"

"Yeah.. And where are you even going to go? You don't even have a car to get you anywhere!"

"Exactly. I am going to walk until I can't anymore, then end it. I am going to fucking end it all! I cannot feel this way anymore. I am sick of freaking out about life. I am done. I know my boys, and you, the loves of my life will be okay. I know I won't be. So I am going to leave, do something that I know will end my life. Then the cops will call after a few days, and ask you or my parents to identify my body. Then a bunch of no good assholes I can't even remember will come to my wake and funeral. Then I will just be a distant memory.
And the great part. The only good thing about everything about me is, is that the boys are so young they won't even remember what a douchebag, what a worthless piece of shit I really am! Isn't that awesome? They are so young they won't even need to know! Just tell them I love them, over and over, and will be with them when they pass on, when they are old and grey.

"Nicole, stop! You are not making any sense!"

"Yes hun, I am. I am not needed life sucks to much to be fixed for me. I love you and the boys so much that I know what is best for you three. And I am not it.

I reach in for a kiss, go and kiss the boys. Begin walking out the door.

"Nicole, stop what the fuck are you doing?"

"I told you I am done. You will get a call in a few days to i.d. my body. I love you."

I go into my brothers room, hop on his computer, type out this last conversation. Press "Publish Post" and leave.

Peace Yo'
Nicole Ann Lalla Montgomery

Thanksgiving

What do I have to be thankful for? Most definitely my children, my husband, my parents, my inlaws, and my few few friends. What else? Hmmm... I don't think there is anything else. I hate this. I hate being so fucking negative, especially on a holiday. Especially a holiday were you are supposed to be so fucking grateful for what you have.. How can I be full of thanks when I feel so terrible. When I have so much hatred, guilt, and self-pity filling my soul? How can I be thankful, when this is been the worst year of my entire life? When will I get over this? When will I get over myself? When will I move on with my life? Why do I always live in the past?

Happy Turkey..

Suicidal Tendencies.

No where to go,
No where to turn.
Seroquel staring at me,
Should I give it a whirl?
Will the sixty I have do it?
Should I add the twenty neurontin too?
Add a few zoloft and celexa.
Will it do?

Is Suicide a Choice?
"No. Choice implies that a suicidal person can reasonably look at alternatives and select among them. If they could rationally choose, it would not be suicide. Suicide happens when all other alternatives are exhausted -- when no other choices are seen."
- Adina Wrobleski Suicide: Why? (1995)

Treat others how you want to be treated.

Isn't that what all parents teach their children?
..Then why don't all parents treat their children, or son in laws in my case that way? Okay heres the deal. My husband was supposed to make his car payment today, with his unemployment check. Normally he makes xx amount of money, which just covers the car payment. For some reason unemployment only gave him x amount, which is ½ of what he needs. Okay.... Well the car is both my husbands name and my fathers... Yesterday my father made a huge fuss about my hubby making the payment because the last few have been late, very late, but were finally paid. Instead of my husband telling my father he didn't have the money last night when his check came, he waited until tonight. He waited so he could call unemployment and ask why he didn't get his whole amount. He also waited so he could try and come up with the other half of the payment. Of course, he didn't get the rest of the money so he went to talk to my father.
What does my father do...
The same thing he always does!
He flips out! Totally screaming, telling my husband and me we need to pack up, get our children who are ready for bed bundled up and get the f out of his house. Because unemployment changed the amount my husband gets with out notice, he wants us out of his house. He doesn't care his screaming is affecting my children, his grandsons! He doesn't care my three year old and nine month old are crying their eyes out, scared out of their minds, begging mommy to make Poppy stop yelling. My father does not care!
I do understand him being upset, over the past few months my husband and I were terrible. I know this, he knows this, everyone knows this. We were addicts. We did exactly what he did 9+ years ago when he was battling his addiction.
He says he understands us getting clean and getting back on our feet. He says he understands us being broke. He says he is their to help us. Yet the minute things are not his way or not on his terms, he freaks! It is an every other day thing where he has to fight us. He fights us because my husband doesn't go to N.A. He fights us because my husband would rather collect unemployment than make half of what he makes there at McDonald's or Stop and Shop. He fights us because my Methadone makes me nod more now than when I was getting high. He fights us because we turn on the kitchen light instead of the pantry light. He fights us because we stay up late and have our television, in our room on past two a.m. He fights us because we only have one working vehicle. He fights us all the time, over every little thing. And him fighting us means him screaming and yelling and slamming doors and throwing things in front of my children. His fighting us means my young children being scared, crying, and begging mommy to make it stop.
He was an addict. He knows what it is like when you are first getting clean. He knows how hard it is to get back on your feet and pull yourself out of that gutter.

Why can't he treat others the way he wants to be treated?

If we yell at him we might as well be homeless, but he can treat us like the worthless junkies he believes us to be.

Yet why am I complaining? What right do I have to complain? I mean he is letting us live here rent free, all four of us..