Is pregnancy sexy?

I read this blog faithfully every time there is a new post. Today's post was simply a link to something the author had written about a new commercial for "HOTmilk Lingerie."

http://www.imperfectparent.com/mominatrix/sexy-and-pregnant/823_1/

I know everyone has different feelings of their pregnant body. I personally do feel extremely attractive, even sexy while pregnant. When I am not sporting my big baby bump, I usually have very low self esteem and never think of myself as an attractive woman. Yet, while pregnant, I feel as if I am the most beautiful woman in the world. My husband, tells me he thinks I am beautiful all the time pregnant or not, but when I am pregnant, he just seems more attracted to me. It is like once I hit the 3rd trimester he can't stop staring and drooling, LOL. Which of course, helps boost my self esteem as well. I find the pregnant body to be absolutely stunning. Absolutely sexy.

Anyway, what are your thoughts? Now that all of us have big bellies, how are you feeling about your self? Do you think lingerie marketed for pregnant women is a good idea? Or do you find it kinda sick?

Just looking for others thoughts to make sure I am not just a complete freak.

Another day, another dollar fight.

I say we need to talk more.
He says I don't try.
I say we need more moments alone.
He says it's gotta be on my time.

I say we need to make love more often.
He says I push him away.
I say we need to be there for each other.
He says he is here every day.


Maybe it is the financial stress. Maybe it is more. Who knows. He claims it is all me. I claim it is all him. We are always in this vicious cycle it seems. Months where we are just so happy and in love. Months where we aren't even sure we want to fight for this anymore. I am sick of the bottom of this cycle. I want to be back at the top again. Just a couple weeks ago, things were grand. Though I had not been giving even 2% into our marriage, and he had been giving it 110%. He had been doing so much to help me be comfortable. Letting me sleep, taking care of the kids, taking over all the household responsibilities. He was doing it all, as I was barely leaving my bedroom for more than an hour.

Maybe I was taking advantage of him. I probably was. I have always been a selfish person who prefers everything to be about me. At least that's who he tells me I am.

He had said I am also retarded, stupid, idiotic. All words that make me completely shut down and run away. All words I had been called through out my entire childhood. He then tells me he only says it out of frustration. He 'really' thinks I am smart, intelligent, wise. All things my parents used to say after I would cry about them putting me down. I feel like a little kid again.

Then he said the worst thing anyone can ever say to a mom.
He actually said I don't love my kids. According to him, I can care less about them. About him. About myself.

Maybe this is my own fault for being so negative towards him lately. Maybe this is my fault for pushing his buttons instead of being grateful for all he was doing to help me.
Maybe, maybe, maybe what-fucking-ever.

I don't deserve to be told this shit. Just like he doesn't deserve me being ungrateful, selfish, unloving.


We are both in the wrong here. Yet I am the one left begging for forgiveness. Begging him to talk to me. Begging him to get over whatever. Begging him to put back on his ring, after he threw it at me. Begging him to stay awake. And now.. begging him to join me in bed.

5 of the last 8 days have consisted of fighting. I have a feeling this time the cycle is on slow motion and this will be drawn out....

Some days..

Some days I am just unsure of this life I chose.
Some days I actually wish I could be an average 22 year old woman.
Some days I do not want to be an expecting wife and mother.
Some days I wish I had no responsibilities, no husband, no children.
Some days I just want to have fun, do what I want, when I want, with who I want.

Then, I look at my children, or my husband, and realize just how lucky I am.

No More

No more can I deal with the confusion of my husband being back at work for two or three days to be laid off, yet again.

No more can I deal with my father treating me like the rotton, no good, middle child.

No more can I deal with my so called family only being able to remember the few months I have fucked up, instead of the years I have always been the educated, intelligent person I really am.

No more can I deal with two faced bitches who come into and out of my life like a fucking roller coaster to have blast with but still get fucked in the end.

No more will I let my mothers disease dictate who she is. She is not a nut. She is a person, just a nutty person.

No more will I let others dictate who I am.

I am a person.

A damn good person!

I am a mother.

A really good mother!

I am a wife.

A pretty decent wife!

I am an employee.

The best damn employee any boss has had.

I am me!

I don't wanna grow up: Missing my sis.

I saw you other day. And you couldn't even acknowlage me.
Granted I didn't acknowlage you either..but..
Why do I always have to be the grown up one and make the 1st move?
Why do I have to be the one to call? Write? Speak?
You never initiate conversation.
You are older.
I do not want to be the big girl and make the 1st move.
All I do want is a "hey, how ya doing?"
Or a "Congrats? How are you coping?"
Just something to show you care..

Guess I need to re listen to the Rolling Stones:
"You can't always get what you want,
but if you try sometime,
you get what you need."

All I need is what I always see. A sister (or brother) who worries about me, who is there for me, as I can be there for them.

Daddy Dearest.

Darling daughter, special son...
both of which always considered number one.
When will I be number one?
Wait I am now... Number one when it comes to making the health and financial decisions when Daddy dearest is too far gone to do so himself.
Other than when it comes to smarts I am nothing. Daddy's biggest fuck up, though I am the only child of his with a job, that has ever fled the nest, that takes care of his or her own.

Why is dearest daughter can't even call and ask how I am? Why is it she and special son, both just think I am stupid and need to 'grow up'?
Do they not see how damaged I truley am

I need a friend.

I need a friend to be there for me, as I can be there for them.
I need a friend to listen when I need an ear.
I need a friend who will get me away, when I can't catch a break.
I need a friend who can watch my kids, so I can get some time alone.
I need a friend who can gossip and bitch with the best of 'em.
I need a friend who can come to me with any of their problems.
I need a friend who can count on me, and let me count on them
I need a friendship that goes both ways.
I need a friend.

How will I get by?

How will I get by with out you to bitch to?
How will I get by with out you to help me through?
How will I get by with out you by my side?
Who will I complain to?
Who will I hang out with when I am bored?
Who will I go out to lunch with? And Will they pay?

Nana, through out each of my pregnancies, you have always been there.
Been there to listen, keep company, and to gossip.
Who will help me stay sane this time?
Who will calm my nerves?
Who will drive me to the hospital?
Remember! It is supposed to be you!
Remember after I had Collin? Finally 21? You and I were supposed to go out for drinks at Chilli's! And for our "shots." Man those shots at chilli's were so good...

Who will rock this baby to sleep? Who will instantly stop this baby's crying?
Collin still is desperate to meet you! He wants cookies too.
Thomas misses you bunches, lady, why can't you still be here?

This year without you has been hell, I need you to help me make life better.
Without you, life just doesn't seem worth it.
But I am still needed, so I have to wait to join you.
Listen lady, as soon as I can, I will! I still need my rematch in Skipbo, I know you cheated!

Thomas was asking for you on Halloween. Wondered where you were.
The holidays aren't the same without you, Nana.
We all need you here.

But you are gone. No longer here.
No longer there to listen, to care.

My mother will never take your place.
She will never be the Nana you were.
Hopefully one day, I can compare.



Nana, I hope Tom is right!
I hope this baby is your way of coming back.
I hope this baby is your way of shedding some light.

Tom misses you so much also.
He had no one to get drunk with at Christmas,
no one to pass out at the table with.


Man oh man lady, we need you still..

Father, for you have sinned.

Stop this man for he will kill.

Kill my body mind and soul.

Does he not seee what he does to me? To my husband? My children?

My husband should not worry if today is the day I kill.

He should not worry if it is my father or I.

Its funny how it is my father who provides.

He provides my family with shelter. With light. With cable and internet entertainment.

But why must he rub it in our face during every waking hour.
Not with warm words, but with hurtful angry ones, which make us feel like insignificants, losers, failures.

Then comes big the apology.
The, "I'm sorry, I don't know why I acted that way."
The, "Let me buy you off with presents, or pay you off with cash."

Can't he just understand? We are doing everything in our power now. We are saving every cent.
Does he not see how focused we are? Not even to get out for us. To get away from him.

My children do not need to see mommy screaming and slamming her face into walls.
Especially as she is working so hard on staying calm.

What works? I sat in here counting to 10.. didn't work.. biting my nails.. didn't work.. squeezing my pillow, hugging my son.. nothing works to stay calm, its even worse with him. At least when I argue with my husband, I end up braking down. Realizing how stupid I have been behaving. Not with dear fucking Daddy. Maybe its the clashing personalities.. Maybe the zodiac actually means something. Maybe its our destany for being born exactly 30 years apart to the day. Who fucking knows? Yet, we clash. Bad. Nothing but another can stop us when we fight.


Yet, here I go rambling on again, again with no point.

Whatever, one day it won't get to me. One day I will get out of this state. One day he will realize he needs to just grow the fuck up..

With Love, Your Granddaughter

The tears flowing down, as thoughts of you continue to whirl all around.

My heart beckons for you to return to me, I just want you to see.

To see how terrible I do without your guidance. Without you I seem I'm in a trance.

I need to grow up, move on, make do. I must stop putting all the blame on you.

Two days shy of already one year. This year has been too much to bare.

Now, I will start to mend. I can't change that you are dead.

I can, though, change the way I am. It's time for me to form a plan.

A plan of action if you will. A plan to get by with my heart fulfilled.

Fulfilled with your love, for me and mine. This will get easier with patience and time.

As each day flies by, the more I will try.

To remember, to miss, to grieve, and to live.

Because you have taught me, I have so much to give.

-♥Love, Your granddaughter, Nicole♥-

My New Beginning.

In my Jan2008PR on the message boards at www.justmommies.com one of the fellow mommies posted this quote.

"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude to me is more important than facts.... We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10 percent what happens to me and 90 percent how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our attitudes." -
-- Charles swindoll

I will post here the reason she mentioned this quote to me.

I had posted yesterday on JM about how this pregnancy is my new beginning.

"I am so darn sick of feeling so negative. I am so sick of whining about all the things that seem to be just going wrong.I was thinking, while at the hospital.. Maybe this pregnancy is a blessing? Maybe this is the my fresh start.. This is my new beginning. Negativity and self pity are not going to get me far, or my family. What my family needs is a positive attitude. Motivation. Initiative. Being so low all the time is not going to help give my family what we need. We need Positives! Heck, it was a positive pregnancy test right? How can you get more positive than that? Collin coughing blood turned out to just be the ear infection, granted that stinks, but its a heck of a lot better than the things that were going through my mind!This is it. Starting right now at this moment. I will put all my energy towards the positives. No more being such a negative Nancy!"

Goodbye 2008, Hello 2009

2008 was full of deaths, drug addictions, suicide attempts and depressed manic minds.
2008 was an unwanted negative rotten year.
2008 was the year that would never end.
2008 should never have even began.

2009 is the ending of 2008. It is the start of a new beginning. A new year.
2009 is the year of hope, goals, and dreams.
2009 will bring new bodies, lives, and persons.
2009 will be the end all, begin again.

She is me.

For some time now, almost one year, someone has been missing. I keep on searching for her, but she is no where to be found.

This person had everything. Love, intelligence, goals. A wonderful husband, a beautiful boy, and another son on the way. Though she did not see it then. her life was pretty much perfect, in almost every single way.
She had family, a roof over head. All the bills were paid, a great life she led.

Though she did not see it then, until it was too late. Then she ran away again. Like she had done many times in the past. Only now she was older, wiser, she had brains on her side.
Instead of disapeering, physically & actually running further away, she stayed this time. And just ran away from her mind.

No one knows she is even missing. They all believe she is me. No one knows I am holding her place right now. At least until she can be.

Until she can come back again, and lead a normal life. Until she can manage on her own again. Until she is no longer a threat to herself.
Until then I will be here, saving her place.
Until she is ready again to live her life once more.

Woman again!

April 24th 2007 period shows.
May 6th 2007 find out we are expecting.
June ?th 2007 day of spotting after sex.
January 17th 2008 Collin Paul is born
January 17th-February 1st 2008 post pardum bleeding.
June 30th 2008 1st post pardum period.
July, August, September, October & November 2008, no period
July & August sex 3 times.
September 4th 2008 home pregnancy test negative.
September & October 2008 no sex.
November 5th & 13th, sex, pulls out.
December 15th 2008 period shows up.
I am woman again!

Nana.

Living upstairs made it easy as can be.
Have a nightmare? Just can't sleep?
Head on downstairs,
That's where she'll be.

"Coffee" in the morning,
cereal in the TMNT bowl.
Gotta eat it with the trix spoon,
It's the same everytime, ya know.

Grandpa's playhouse,
David the Gnome,
Eureka's castle,
We were never alone.

Never understanding
why Santa made two stops.
One "Christmas" at our house.
But the one at her's always rocked!

Aunt Jemima pancakes,
and the syrup too.
Always a perfect lunch,
and a perfect dinner too.

Playing out back,
in the turtle sandbox.
Hopping, skipping,
throwing some rocks.

Years went by,
we all aged.
Growing older and older.
She went so grey!

Her hair always the same,
the perm tight to her head.
She always dyed it brown.
But once it was brownish-red.

Her nose was like rudolph.
so red and so bright.
Her toes were crooked and mangled,
man, what a sight!

Solitaire, Uno, and Skipbo
were a few games we played.
While I snacked on her stuffed cherry peppers,
which she always had made.

While we played,
soaps we watched.
But you had to pay attention to her cheating,
in which I would always yell, stop.

And when we left her house,
it was always a blast.
1st stop, always was Dunkin'
I thought those days would last.

Whenever out to eat,
she would never let us pay.
It was like her way of thanking us,
for sharing our entire day.

Those days are gone,
forever missed.
Man I just want
one last forehead kiss.

One more teeth-hanging out smile.
One more silly grin.
One more chance to say,
Haha I win.

Just one more day,
just her and I.
Just one more day, PLEASE
I swear I won't cry.

He does it again.

My husband, despite the fights and the bad words said, he is always right there.
He always talks me down, when I am at my worst.
I can only see darkness, and he is my light.
It never fails, with him, it always ends up alright.

I will go on, today and tomorrow.
I have to. I don't have a choice.

It also doesn't help, I am nothing but words.

no actions, just words.

Fuck.

No birthday for Collin,
No christmas for my boys.
No work for my husband.
No happiness, no joy.

No where to go soon.
Not a place for me to live.
No reason to go on.
Why on earth should I continue to give?

Why do I care?
About everyone around me?
I put everyone 1st..
Yet, no one can see.

They think I blame all.
Anyone but myself.
They think I have no sense of anything
for anyone but myself.

They see me as a baby.
As one who could care less.
About anyone, anywhere,
About anyone but myself.

I do care.
I put everyone 1st.
If someone needed it,
Fuck, I would just rip off my shirt!

I cry, I grimace,
I run and I hide.
I just fucking let
my emotions hang on the outside.

I let people know how I feel.
I don't try to hide.
Its is everyone else
that cannot simply find.

They can't find their way.
Everyone comes to me.
Fuck them, I can't handle their shit!
Why can't they see?

Why can't they see,
that I just don't function right...
How can I take care of anyone,
when I don't even see the light?

I try my best to be
everyone's number 1.
I cannot do that anymore.
Don't they see I am done?

I am done putting everyone 1st
I need 1st to be my family.
I am done helping everyone.
I need to help me!

I don't want to live.
I don't want to care.
I don't want to be.
I don't want to share.

I am done sharing my hand,
when I get nothing in return.
No one can offer me hope.
Everyone just leaves me to burn.

Fuck everyone,
anyone I know.
I may not have
anywhere to go.

But I do have the fact that I try.
I always try.
But I am always left,
just left to just die.

I am not the selfish one
It is those around me.
Those that are just
to fucking selfish to see.

To see how they really are.
How they always blame me.
To see how they really act
How they hold that fucking key.

The key that controls
Everyway I am.
Controls how I feel.
How I am nothing but a lamb.

I cannot even call
myself a fucking sheep.
I am not big enough..
I am just a fucking creep..

I am nothing
I always have been..
I am nothing
I will always be.

Fuck you,
for I am fucked.
No where to go,
No one to want me,
No one to care,
No one even fucking really knows me
to even understand,
let alone,
offer a helping hand.
Fuck Everyone.

Who's to blame?

Did I come off as placing the blame?
You are not to blame.
I am to blame.
What can I say...
I made a terrible choice.
I knew from the start,
not to let you in.
I knew from the start,
what would be.

I made my bed.
Now I have to lay in it.

Dear Sarah,

I hope this letter finds you in the worst of health,
in a worse off place than I find myself.

In recent months I have wanted to thank you.
Thank you for telling me you would always be my friend.
Telling me you would always be there.
Telling me you would never let me try it.
Telling me you would always care.

Thank you for lending a helping hand.
That helping hand helped so much.
Helped us get hooked, lose our home.
Don't worry hun, I kept it all hushed.

Thank you for sending me spiraling down,
so low that I don't see any way up.
Thank you for all the lies.
For making me trust.

Only a friend as kind as you
can come in and out of my life.
And each time I let you in again
you push deeper that knife.

You were my truest friend
Time and time again.
Each and every time
My heart is harder to mend.

This time was the hardest
The hardest to bare.
How can I get through this now?
When you don't even care?

You have hurt me so many times.
Each time gets worse and worse.
What you wanted, you took,
Now I glance back, I take one last look.
I truly hope you die my friend.
Because it is my life you have cursed.
-with love, Nicole.

Suicidal Tendencies.

No where to go,
No where to turn.
Seroquel staring at me,
Should I give it a whirl?
Will the sixty I have do it?
Should I add the twenty neurontin too?
Add a few zoloft and celexa.
Will it do?

Is Suicide a Choice?
"No. Choice implies that a suicidal person can reasonably look at alternatives and select among them. If they could rationally choose, it would not be suicide. Suicide happens when all other alternatives are exhausted -- when no other choices are seen."
- Adina Wrobleski Suicide: Why? (1995)