Oil Spill? In my yard?

Apparently when a guy was looking at the house today, with great interest of renting it to me if he purchased it, went on the side of the house no one ever goes on, unless they are mowing the lawn, he saw something very interesting:



The real estate agent was telling me how people in this neighborhood used to keep the oil tanks under ground, they think that the one here burst.. It makes sense but I have no clue, and of course it is just a guess. It is very obviously oil, as you can smell it so clearly the minute you go ever there. I am shocked we never noticed it in the year we have been living here.. I have no clue what to do, it is great because it will probably keep people from buying the house.. But.. it will also probably keep this guy from buying it. And this guy gave me so much hope that we may have a chance to stay in this house. I do not want to move from here.. It is the perfect neighborhood to raise a family. Seeing as Fannie Mae is pretty much my "landlord" as the house is in foreclosure, I have no idea what I need to do to make sure the house is safe for myself and my family.

All I can picture now is the entire house blowing up.. :unsure:

Can't. Stay. Awake.

So yeah.. haven't blogged [or been online] in like.. um.. forever?

Pregnancy and methadone maintenance are really, really taking a toll on me. I need to lower my dose, but I have been advised not to while pregnant. I cannot take this fatigue much longer. I get up at 6:30 a.m. every morning to go off and get medicated. If Tom has side work I am "up" for the day, if not, I go back to bed until 11-12. If it is a day where he is working I put Collin down for a nap at 11 a.m. Let Thomas play some Wii or V-Smile or watch a movie, while I sleep. If it is a day Tom is home, Collin will not nap until 1:30-2:30, which is when I will go back to sleep until at least 4. If it is a work night I will not get to go to bed until 12-1 a.m. If it is not a work night, I head to bed right after Collin at 8:30, I will usually fall asleep before 10. But then, from 10 p.m. until I get up in the a.m. I am up at least every 2 hours to pee or reposition myself. >_<

Sounds like enough sleep right? It used to be. All I want to do is sleep. When I am not sleeping I am lounging on the couch falling asleep struggling to stay awake.

Anyone wanna be me for a while?

What's a mom to do?

A cousin, a sister and a sister-in-law all receive disability insurance and/or state help to raise their children. The cousin is the only one who does not also have a parent helping raising the children.

The cousin receives section 8 housing, state medical insurance, and food stamps. The father is 100% there for her and the children. With the state funding and help, he pays the difference for the rent and utilities.

The sister is applying for disability currently due to her epilepsy. Also receives state medical, and will be getting food stamps and cash assistance. She is living with her mother and step-father. She does not pay rent, an electric bill, cable bill, or phone bill. She does not buy groceries, diapers, or formula. The father is in the baby's life, but while he does provide few material things, it is not much. Heck he won't even let his son or fiance, my sister, live with him until she can support herself and the child.

The sister-in-law is also living with her parents. She has not had a job in 10+ years. The state and her parents support her children. In fact, she barely gets out of bed to take care of them. Yet the state provides everything to her to keep her children healthy, fed, and clothed.

Now myself. It took my husband being laid off for 6 months before I was able to qualify for state medical for myself and the children. And still my husband was brought into court for child support. It took my husband and I separating for my children and I to qualify for W.I.C. My home, which I am renting, is in foreclosure, and when it sells we have to move. My monthly rent plus basic utilities are twice as much as our monthly income. Yet I cannot qualify for state assistance. In order for me to receive housing help for my children and I, I must divorce my husband, have him totally forget about my children and I, and he needs to disappear and not pay any child support whatsoever.

I just recently found out due to my many psychiatric problems I could probably qualify for disability assistance. The problem with that is the problems I have are not preventing me from working, so that option is out, as I always have held a job.

According to the state my only option for housing when our current rent sells is to start saving now, can't do that and afford the rent, utilities, plus food and clothes, or to go into a shelter when the house sells and save up then.

So what is a mom to do? What do I do to make sure my children have shelter? Do I let myself go, let my labels and disorders take over, and quit my job and go for disability? Do I divorce my husband, have him leave my children and my life? Or do I keep going like I am and just see what happens? Maybe we will get lucky and someone will by the house as a rental property? Maybe the house won't sell? Maybe we will catch a break?

Its not like things haven't already improved drastically since one year ago...

My boys rock.

Aren't they the sweetest?


Every single time they are out doors I get flowers, these are the latest. I always get dandelions and other weeds. This time I actually got some real flowers from Thomas and my usual purple weed from Collin, as they are his favorite.

Toms CurseBirthday

Today marks the day I am officially married to an old man. Tom turned 30 years old today. We are having a small BBQ next Sunday for him, as we refused to do anything for his birthday in fear something bad would happen.

See every year something happens on his birthday, whether a stomach bug, car accident, loss of something important, or death of someone close. Something always happens.

I woke up today feeling pretty good considering we had went out to dinner last night to celebrate and so far nothing had happened. Until I ran out to get McDonald's breakfast, and I saw my left ring finger. Yep, the one with my engagement ring and wedding band on it.

It happened again.
Toms Curseday struck again.
Only this time.. It struck me.
My rings are still there, but my diamond is gone. Completely gone.
The claws that hold it in place, bent, crushed and completely out of place.
(photo to come after work when battery is charged.)

Of course I am crushed. So crushed I have been in bed since. I feel horrible. I feel as if it is all my fault. I mean I have only had the damn ring for 5 years, this month. Five damn years and I couldn't keep my ring safe and beautiful.

I am just not meant to have nice things.
My camera-broken two lens in the year (minus 4 months in the pawn shop) I have had it.
Past, present, and future diamond necklace-broken two chains in the 1st year I had it.
My family bracelet-first month I had it I completely broke it in half.
It is a good thing nose rings and eyebrow rings are cheap as I have gone through more than I would care to admit.
I am just not meant to have nice things.
At least the diamond is not my fault.
It's the dates fault. If Toms birthday hadn't have come, it would be find. I promise you that.

Goodbye.

You entered my dreams last night.
You told me you would come back to help me deal once again.
You promised me it would not be like it was this time.
You swore it would all be good.

When I woke up, I was tempted today.
But I know you are only there to hurt me.
While I would love to have you in my life again,
I know that it can never be.

Goodbye my friend. my enemy.
I need to get you out of my head.