Nicole's Notions

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Desperately seeking help and guidance

I thought these feelings were behind me. I thought I had everything under control. Not anymore.
The suicidal thoughts are back with a vengeance. The depression and psychotic breaks are tearing me to shreds. I need a helping hand. A miracle worker. Help.

At this exact moment I am struggling, with every part of my being, not to slam my face into the drywall. Struggling to stay away from the pills bottles and knives. Struggling to stay calm. I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, if it weren't for this life inside of me at this moment, I would be back where I was a year ago, trying to end my life.

I sit here typing this as it is my only way to get these ramped thoughts out of my mind. Tears streaming down my face, fingers barely able to find the right keys as my hands shake so tremendously.

The only person I am willing to call and speak to about these thoughts will admit me immediately. I cannot, though I desperately need to, go back into the nut house. I have to work. I have to make it to my appointments. My children need me here, home. Yet, I need me sane.

Doctors, medication, and counseling cannot help me right now. Only the state of Connecticut can, yet they won't, not until things get worse. I cannot, as a mother, as a human being, let things get worse.

I learned today, after doing some math and speaking to a few social workers, there is no way I can come up with my rent this month. My utilities are officially way past due. I should shut off my internet, cable, and phone; but am petrified of what I would do without any connection to the outside world. I have no idea where my children and I will be going in a few weeks. I cannot even throw my son a 4th birthday party, as I don't even know where I will be living. I had one thing I have been looking forward to, which will only cost $25 tops, and I cannot go. I can't even afford clothing that fits me. If it weren't for the baby shower my wonderful aunt is throwing for me and a few dear friends, my soon to be daughter would have nothing.

No one knows this but I am seriously considering putting her up for adoption. It breaks my heart to even type this as I cannot even say it out loud. I have wanted a daughter so desperately for years. Yet, right now, how dare I even contemplate bringing another child into my life? How dare I bring her into my household when I can't even support myself or my two boys. There are millions upon millions of women out there so desperate to have a child of their own. Those women would give everything to make sure she was well taken care of. I can't even take care of her when she is in the most protected place she will ever be in.

I never saw myself here..I swear a few years ago, I would have never seen myself as a heroin addict, manic depressive bi-polar psycho, who believes her children are truly better off without her. Yes. I do believe they are better off with out me. At least they wouldn't be looking at living in a damn shelter in a few weeks. Or sharing a couch and floor with each other and their parents in the middle of drive-by central. At least then, if I weren't here, the state would help my boys.

Yes. That is where we will be in a few weeks. Either in my in-laws living room, living in the middle of the ghetto, where the house next door gets shot at on a weekly basis. Or.. In a fucking homeless shelter. And, not until we are homeless for 60 damn days will the lovely, children 1st state of Connecticut, lend a helping hand.

Fuck. I have always fended for myself. Never needed to live off the damn state. Yes. I got married young. Yes, I was a teen mother. But damn it. My children, almost all three, in fact all 5 of my damn pregnancies have been fathered by the same man. Damn it. I moved out at 16, always been able to pay my own damn way. Even when the damn times got tough, my husband and I have gotten through it.

Then I lost my mind. Then everything went down hill. Starting with the depression and suicide attempt, continuing with the heroin, followed by us losing everything. Then things started looking up. For a whole couple months. Now... Back to falling down this damn hole into the pit of darkness, where everyone is just standing at the top laughing at us struggling to hold on.

I am sick on holding on. I am sick of fighting so hard to provide for my children. I just want what any caring mother wants.

To provide for my children.

I just want some help finding a place and paying to get out foot in the damn door. And a damn job for my husband. Yep. Fourteen months laid off now. Unemployment should have run out weeks ago, yet, some how he is still collecting. Some people would love to make what he makes a week in unemployment at a real job. But when your rent is more than most mortgages in the area.. it just does not cut it.

I knew if I began to type I would calm down. At least for now the tears and shaking have stopped. Now to prevent these suicidal thoughts from returning I must continue to fight and search for help. I know it has to be out there. I know this damn state cannot really expect someone who is actually not milking the system to go into a shelter with a preschooler, toddler, and soon to be newborn. I know if I keep fighting, as much as I don't want to I will find what I need to take care of my boys.

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Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm really wanting to say something deep and profound right now that will magically help things but I'm not really good at that sort of stuff. I know life is tough and it seems hopeless but you can do it! I know this is probably dumb but is there a way you can move to another state that is more willing to provide more assistance? Anyways I just wanted to comment and let you know that I read your blog and you're in my thoughts and prayers!


July 16, 2009 at 10:08 AM  
Anonymous Karen said...

Keep fighting Ducks, life HAS to get better, it will get better, you have to believe that, don't give up, you have people out there who love you and are willing you and your life to get better.


July 16, 2009 at 12:14 PM  

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