Can it be true?

When the home my parents are renting went into foreclosure we were all warned. Warned we would be kickout. Turns out our 90 day mark was February 24th. Without my knowing my parents signed a month by lease, that will automatically be continued until either we decide to leave, giving Fannie Mae one months notice or until they sell the home. Giving us between 30-90 days, if the new owner has no intention of renting. This lease has more than just my parents listed. It also has my children and myself listed.

Anyway, this weekend we learned my parents are moving. They will be renting an amazingly beautiful condo perfect for them and my brother, with no room for anyone to move in with them.
Now, what this means for me is. My children and I can stay here, all we have to do is pay the rent every month. Somehow, we have finally caught a break!

It is going to tough at first. Especially since Tom is laid off and my hours will be cut at the end of league bowling season.

My in-laws will be moving in after the 1st couple months, then we will great. I can live with them. My father in-law will make sure the home is clean and my mother in-law will make sure the kids are taken care of perfectly when I am at work and will definitely help me out through out the pregnancy.

My parents I cannot live with anymore. My father and mother are both so verbally and emotionally abusive, to me, my husband, and my children.

My in-laws, I am not completely in love with, but they will do all they can to make sure my family is comfortable, for their son.

I hope to be the parents they are someday.

I don't wanna grow up: Missing my sis.

I saw you other day. And you couldn't even acknowlage me.
Granted I didn't acknowlage you either..but..
Why do I always have to be the grown up one and make the 1st move?
Why do I have to be the one to call? Write? Speak?
You never initiate conversation.
You are older.
I do not want to be the big girl and make the 1st move.
All I do want is a "hey, how ya doing?"
Or a "Congrats? How are you coping?"
Just something to show you care..

Guess I need to re listen to the Rolling Stones:
"You can't always get what you want,
but if you try sometime,
you get what you need."

All I need is what I always see. A sister (or brother) who worries about me, who is there for me, as I can be there for them.

Daddy Dearest.

Darling daughter, special son...
both of which always considered number one.
When will I be number one?
Wait I am now... Number one when it comes to making the health and financial decisions when Daddy dearest is too far gone to do so himself.
Other than when it comes to smarts I am nothing. Daddy's biggest fuck up, though I am the only child of his with a job, that has ever fled the nest, that takes care of his or her own.

Why is dearest daughter can't even call and ask how I am? Why is it she and special son, both just think I am stupid and need to 'grow up'?
Do they not see how damaged I truley am

Father, for you have sinned.

Stop this man for he will kill.

Kill my body mind and soul.

Does he not seee what he does to me? To my husband? My children?

My husband should not worry if today is the day I kill.

He should not worry if it is my father or I.

Its funny how it is my father who provides.

He provides my family with shelter. With light. With cable and internet entertainment.

But why must he rub it in our face during every waking hour.
Not with warm words, but with hurtful angry ones, which make us feel like insignificants, losers, failures.

Then comes big the apology.
The, "I'm sorry, I don't know why I acted that way."
The, "Let me buy you off with presents, or pay you off with cash."

Can't he just understand? We are doing everything in our power now. We are saving every cent.
Does he not see how focused we are? Not even to get out for us. To get away from him.

My children do not need to see mommy screaming and slamming her face into walls.
Especially as she is working so hard on staying calm.

What works? I sat in here counting to 10.. didn't work.. biting my nails.. didn't work.. squeezing my pillow, hugging my son.. nothing works to stay calm, its even worse with him. At least when I argue with my husband, I end up braking down. Realizing how stupid I have been behaving. Not with dear fucking Daddy. Maybe its the clashing personalities.. Maybe the zodiac actually means something. Maybe its our destany for being born exactly 30 years apart to the day. Who fucking knows? Yet, we clash. Bad. Nothing but another can stop us when we fight.


Yet, here I go rambling on again, again with no point.

Whatever, one day it won't get to me. One day I will get out of this state. One day he will realize he needs to just grow the fuck up..

Missing her.

Growing up, for the longest time she was my bestest. My closest. The only one I could tell my deepest, darkest secrets to. And when she is around I still feel the same. Why? I give her my all, I call weekly to check in on her and my nephew. I want to spend time together like in the past. Just bullshitting like always. Her doing my hair, me giving her advice. Maybe driving around aimlessly blasting to some shit, trying to get lost. Or just sitting around watching 7th Heaven, boy meets world and full house reruns. Or even, just sitting on the phone for hours.. I miss those days. You would think now that we both have children we should get to get together more often for the boys to play.

Yet, I feel she wants nothing to do with me. She never calls. Never wants to hang out. Never wants to do anything with me. She doesn't even consider me a friend anymore according to her myspace surveys... heck according to those she doesn't even remember her own nephew was born the same year as her son.. When we talk she is never concerned about how I am, though I am always wondering about her. Hoping she is coping with living with her mom. Hoping she is coping with a fiance that isn't motivated to get their family a place of their own. Hoping she is coping with life as a mother. I worry about her greatly, deeply, constantly.

Does she worry about me? Would she care if I did go through with my suicidal thoughts? Would she even notice if I weren't here anymore? Does she ever want to spend any time with me anymore? Will it change when the boys get a bit older? Or will it be like it is now? Her moms family is number one.. and everyone else is garbage.

All I want is to plan weekly, or bi-monthly play dates. Maybe her and I could hit the gym together. Or go out shopping.. Anything..

What she and I need is to socialize with other mothers. Other women. What is better than your own flesh and blood? Your own sister? We are both women. We are both mothers. Why can we not spend time together? Why doesn't she want to spend time with me?

Do I have cooties or something? Do I smell?

Miss you sis...

Gingerbread Train

Forever Tom and I have discussed building a Gingerbread house with our children. This is the first year Thomas is old enough to participate. We haven't done the house yet. We did our train this afternoon. Yes! We found a gingerbread train, how neat is that? We also saw a gingerbread tree, but didn't have the cash to grab it.

It was tough doing a craft project while living with my parents since they don't believe in any noise during the afternoon, since they snooze all day on the weekends on the couch/chair. Tom was shushing Thomas every three and a half seconds, not letting me put in any input. Thomas and I weren't able to help build it at all... Even most of the decorating he did.. It is so hard when Daddy/Tom is such a "perfectionist" when it comes to these kinds of things, which puts a damper on Thomas's creativity.. Basically Thomas and I put the candy/icing where we were told, and whispered the whole time. With all my bitching and moaning, we had fun. I love when the four of us our together, doing something, anything together..

2008 Lalla Gala

Since as far back as I can remember my father's side of the family, the Lalla's, have gotten together one Sunday in December for our annual Christmas party. This year was no exception! Traditionally, my wonderful Aunt Julie, as the oldest Lalla sibling, plans the entire Gala, complete w/ Secret Santa for all the children who are under 18 or haven't graduated highschool, whatever comes last. Grab bags for the adults. Pot luck dinner, complete w/ birthday cake for those who's birthdays are in December, and other deserts. And the best part of all, for the past few years, my Father has been the big guy himself, Santa Claus!

This here is my Aunt Julie, who puts all of it together each and every year:


This is my newest cousin on this side of my family, Nicholas, he is my wonderful cousin's Wendy's youngest son:


And with his mama, Wendy:


My Thomas nervous, he doesn't like large crowds:


My Mommy:


My Daddy, getting dressed as Santa:



Thomas, with his Poppy, er.. I mean with Santa:


Collin's 1st time sitting on Santa's lap:



The big guy and me:


My parents, brother, husband and two boys:


My beautiful, wonderful, amazing family:


The Lalla Elders, and their spouses.
From left to right:
Uncle Jack, Aunt Julie, Uncle Henry, Aunt Ann, Aunt Marianne, Aunt Carol, My Daddy Paul, and My Mommy Grace:


And lastly, my tired little Collin, after meeting Santa: