Nicole's Notions

Monday, February 9, 2009

Father, for you have sinned.

Stop this man for he will kill.

Kill my body mind and soul.

Does he not seee what he does to me? To my husband? My children?

My husband should not worry if today is the day I kill.

He should not worry if it is my father or I.

Its funny how it is my father who provides.

He provides my family with shelter. With light. With cable and internet entertainment.

But why must he rub it in our face during every waking hour.
Not with warm words, but with hurtful angry ones, which make us feel like insignificants, losers, failures.

Then comes big the apology.
The, "I'm sorry, I don't know why I acted that way."
The, "Let me buy you off with presents, or pay you off with cash."

Can't he just understand? We are doing everything in our power now. We are saving every cent.
Does he not see how focused we are? Not even to get out for us. To get away from him.

My children do not need to see mommy screaming and slamming her face into walls.
Especially as she is working so hard on staying calm.

What works? I sat in here counting to 10.. didn't work.. biting my nails.. didn't work.. squeezing my pillow, hugging my son.. nothing works to stay calm, its even worse with him. At least when I argue with my husband, I end up braking down. Realizing how stupid I have been behaving. Not with dear fucking Daddy. Maybe its the clashing personalities.. Maybe the zodiac actually means something. Maybe its our destany for being born exactly 30 years apart to the day. Who fucking knows? Yet, we clash. Bad. Nothing but another can stop us when we fight.

Yet, here I go rambling on again, again with no point.

Whatever, one day it won't get to me. One day I will get out of this state. One day he will realize he needs to just grow the fuck up..

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