Into my life again?

I found something last night. Something I was sure to be completely out of my life.
Supposedly it was still there from before. Some things were missed when we cleaned up our lives.
Supposedly.

How do I know what to believe?
Do I believe they are from the past and trust my husband?
Do I believe they are new, something is being hidden from me, and not trust my husband?

He tells me I am retarded for not believing they are from the past.
He tells me I am stupid for not believing he just didn't throw them out.
He tells me I am an idiot for believing he is returning to that low again.

Yet, I cannot figure if I am upset for finding something?
Am I upset for not finding more?
Am I upset for not having the choice of being able to do anything if he were?
Am I upset because if he is the jealousy I already feel not knowing is already taking control of me?

I thought it was over, the cravings, the need, the want. I thought I was passed all that.
I thought I was the type to get over it, and be done with it.
Not one to struggle for a lifetime because of it.
Yet, here I sit, wondering where he is, wanting to feel this evil again.
I do still crave it.
I do still need it.
I do still want it.
I am not passed all of this.

Methadone Vs. Heroin.

Another day where heading to get medicated is 1st on my list of to-dos. On the few lucky days where I do not have to waste time going down to the clinic, I am still tied down. I have to call in before drinking my disgusting green bottle and if my i.d. number is listed, I still have to head down to the clinic. I have to make sure I see my counselor every 4 weeks to sign up for another bottle and to make sure I am stable enough to receive my bottles. And I am supposed to attend hour long groups regarding addiction, healthy relationships, vocational training and more.
First thing in the morning, before hitting the clinic, you just have this overwhelming sense of laziness. You do not want to move, let alone get out of bed. Then after you drink it, or at least after I do, that wave of nausea comes, then you feel "normal" again. You feel better. Until the next morning.

As tied down as it seems, its really not much different than shooting up.

Before the methadone program, I still had a #1 on my daily to-dos. To come up with $30, then call the dealer. Then take the same drive that always seemed like it took at least 5 hours when in reality it only took 5 minutes. Then, instead of mixing that nasty green filth with juice to make it go down easier, I would have to mix that dirty brown powder with .5 mls of water, put in the tiny piece of cotton, and draw it into the syringe. Then the struggle that took forever to find the vein. All the while my body would ache and pound and pulse. My arms, legs and back, felt as is I had just been beaten with a bat. Runny nose, watery eyes, dry mouth. Honestly as bad as you feel in the morning before getting the methadone, this pain is much worse. Kinda like as the flu is about to attack. Yet, as soon as I would push in that plunger I would feel every ounce of my being "get better" The pain would just lift away, you can actually feel every inch of your body become filled with euphoria. The wave of nausea would come, but its not that bad. In fact, it doesn't even matter. Nothing in the world matters, because as bad as it can be, no matter how much you have lost, it does not matter, because you feel like you are on top of the world. Nothing can stop you.

Until it wears off, an hour or two or three later.. Then the hell starts again.

Okay, I guess there are some differences, as in the methadone lasts like 8x longer, but instead of the sense of euphoria you get with the dope, you only get a sense of normalcy.

At least that normalcy does not cause you to lose everythig you have, and does not cost $250+ to feel better per day.

Been a while huh?

Wow, I haven't blogged in ages! So much has happened!



I am in my 2nd trimester of my pregnancy-going great, check the details (and pictures) our at my other blog The Unexpected. Oh, if boy, baby is Samual Adam; if girl, Bailey Grace Elizabeth.

My parents moved out! We are officially on our own. Tom and I in our own room. Thomas in his own real bed. Collin in his crib, when he isn't climbing out. The boys are lucky enough to have a playroom, all to themselves! They love it! I my own computer back, though it is really slow and old, I have my photoshop back! We have the backyard all to ourselves, the boys love it!
-Oh and we also have a roommate! Vinny is my brothers friend of 7 or 8 years. And helps us out with the rent, which is great! He isn't ever home when I am so it works perfectly!

Work is going great! I love waitressing so much its weird. I love the tips, the attention, and all the flirting. Who knew being pregnant would turn on so many guys? In fact, one guy actually said to me, "Man I so wanna bite the shit out of your belly!" WTF?? Whatever... Hours will be getting cut soon as the leagues are all ending, but all is well.

The meth. program sucks.. I refuse to see the shrink there anymore, as he thinks I am crazy.. Apparently I am not stable enough to take home my methadone bottles, I may OD or poison my kids or something... Fuck him. Plus he wants to prescribe me meds that are catagory X for pregnancy... Fuck him again. I really wish I could detox. I really want to detox. I believe I am ready to detox. I can't detox. Detoxing means buh-bye baby. That would be bad!

My mind is really fucking me. I am having problems decifering fact from fiction, and reality from dreams as of late, and I need to find a new shrink to discuss this shit.. Thank god for free medical now.. I am having alot of manic-down mood swings lately and rapid crazy highs.. I know I need to find a med that I can safely take while pregnany and breastfeeding. I refuse to take a med I cannot breastfeed on, or that will harm my child.

Mostly though things really are going well. Heck I am even planning my very 1st weekend EVER out of CT!

Oh! Here are my latest photos and creation from photoshop!

Counting Cals, Photography, Parenting, Sobriety, & The Work Force

Counting Cals
Eating healthy is going great! 3 days is longer than I have ever made it. I haven't eaten over 1,500 calories in three days, but am not hungry. Now to work on including breakfast everyday. It is a pain in the butt to watch calories though, but I like having something to focus on.

Sunday: 1,445
Monday: 1,245
Tuesday: 1,169

I will probably have another snack around 9:30..



Photography 101
I just joined a new message board, http://ilovephotography.com/forums/, I probably won't frequent it as much as I do the photo-board on Just Mommies, but I will hang around a bit.

I am still struggling in Manual on my camera.. for some reason I cannot get anything but very black photo's unless it is complete daylight.. whatever, I will figure it out something.

I applied for 3 different photography positions today, hopefully someone will call. All of them provide free training, so we will see.


Bed time Blues
I have never mentioned this before, but we really have a lot of trouble getting Thomas to sleep and were starting to have the same issues with Collin. Not only did I start my diet on Sunday, but I started a new bedtime routine for the boys. 7:45 Collin gets his last bottle. We brush his teeth. By now it is 8p.m. I put on his Baby Mozart DVD. I lay him down w/ his blankey, lion, puppy, and wormy. Give him his kiss and tell him I love him and walk out. He is completely out by 8:30, so then it is Thomas's turn. He brushes his teeth, goes potty one last time and then picks a movie. I put it on, tuck him in and give him a kiss and hug and we say our I love you's. The boys are adjusting well to this. I really hope it sticks!


Sobriety
Man does it suck... I watched intervention last night and was nearly drooling over a guy sticking a needle in his arm. How freaking sick? Today I was finally given a urine at the program.. but of course, I couldn't pee. I swear unless I am pregnant or peeing on a stick I cannot go. I can't.. This sucks, I cannot progress in the program unless they know I am clean, they won't know I am clean unless I give a urine. And.. I cannot give a urine..

Also, my counselor left Friday.. So I am without a counselor.. Also, I was supposed to meet the psychiatrist for the 1st time last week but he had an emergency. I cannot reschedule that appt. until I get a new counselor, so another week or so I have to wait. I really need to build a rapport with these people so I can learn to trust them and fully open up. I need to get a lot out, figure out a lot, and learn some things about myself. And get on some medication..

The Work Force
I quit Stop & Shop 3 weeks ago, started selling kirbys, quit that.. Now I am waiting for the post office to send me my practice tests and test date. Hopefully I can get in.. At least it pays well and has awesome benefits. I would have loved to have stuck w/ Kirby, I was sooo good at it! The hours sucked though, I was never home. 8:45a-9:30-10p is way too long of a day with two small children.

I miss it.

I want it.
I really, really want it.
I crave it.
But do I need it?
No.

It's amazing how something that came into my life, that took away that pain for a few moments, caused so much terror. It caused me to lose everything. Yet, I still want it. I still love that feeling it gives me. That amazing, no one can touch me, euphoric feeling.

I miss it.
I really, really miss it.
But will I get it?
No.

I know what it will do to me again. I know I am struggling now to fix everything and one little taste will ruin everything again.

Eyes wide shut.

My eyes are always closed.
Never am I awake.
When medication knocks you out,
it is time for a change.
But what if you cannot survive with out it yet?

What should I do now?
I was wrong, blind and stupid before,
and now I am sane..
But I am never awake,
never there.