Nicole's Notions

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Methadone Vs. Heroin.

Another day where heading to get medicated is 1st on my list of to-dos. On the few lucky days where I do not have to waste time going down to the clinic, I am still tied down. I have to call in before drinking my disgusting green bottle and if my i.d. number is listed, I still have to head down to the clinic. I have to make sure I see my counselor every 4 weeks to sign up for another bottle and to make sure I am stable enough to receive my bottles. And I am supposed to attend hour long groups regarding addiction, healthy relationships, vocational training and more.
First thing in the morning, before hitting the clinic, you just have this overwhelming sense of laziness. You do not want to move, let alone get out of bed. Then after you drink it, or at least after I do, that wave of nausea comes, then you feel "normal" again. You feel better. Until the next morning.

As tied down as it seems, its really not much different than shooting up.

Before the methadone program, I still had a #1 on my daily to-dos. To come up with $30, then call the dealer. Then take the same drive that always seemed like it took at least 5 hours when in reality it only took 5 minutes. Then, instead of mixing that nasty green filth with juice to make it go down easier, I would have to mix that dirty brown powder with .5 mls of water, put in the tiny piece of cotton, and draw it into the syringe. Then the struggle that took forever to find the vein. All the while my body would ache and pound and pulse. My arms, legs and back, felt as is I had just been beaten with a bat. Runny nose, watery eyes, dry mouth. Honestly as bad as you feel in the morning before getting the methadone, this pain is much worse. Kinda like as the flu is about to attack. Yet, as soon as I would push in that plunger I would feel every ounce of my being "get better" The pain would just lift away, you can actually feel every inch of your body become filled with euphoria. The wave of nausea would come, but its not that bad. In fact, it doesn't even matter. Nothing in the world matters, because as bad as it can be, no matter how much you have lost, it does not matter, because you feel like you are on top of the world. Nothing can stop you.

Until it wears off, an hour or two or three later.. Then the hell starts again.

Okay, I guess there are some differences, as in the methadone lasts like 8x longer, but instead of the sense of euphoria you get with the dope, you only get a sense of normalcy.

At least that normalcy does not cause you to lose everythig you have, and does not cost $250+ to feel better per day.



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