Missing her.

Growing up, for the longest time she was my bestest. My closest. The only one I could tell my deepest, darkest secrets to. And when she is around I still feel the same. Why? I give her my all, I call weekly to check in on her and my nephew. I want to spend time together like in the past. Just bullshitting like always. Her doing my hair, me giving her advice. Maybe driving around aimlessly blasting to some shit, trying to get lost. Or just sitting around watching 7th Heaven, boy meets world and full house reruns. Or even, just sitting on the phone for hours.. I miss those days. You would think now that we both have children we should get to get together more often for the boys to play.

Yet, I feel she wants nothing to do with me. She never calls. Never wants to hang out. Never wants to do anything with me. She doesn't even consider me a friend anymore according to her myspace surveys... heck according to those she doesn't even remember her own nephew was born the same year as her son.. When we talk she is never concerned about how I am, though I am always wondering about her. Hoping she is coping with living with her mom. Hoping she is coping with a fiance that isn't motivated to get their family a place of their own. Hoping she is coping with life as a mother. I worry about her greatly, deeply, constantly.

Does she worry about me? Would she care if I did go through with my suicidal thoughts? Would she even notice if I weren't here anymore? Does she ever want to spend any time with me anymore? Will it change when the boys get a bit older? Or will it be like it is now? Her moms family is number one.. and everyone else is garbage.

All I want is to plan weekly, or bi-monthly play dates. Maybe her and I could hit the gym together. Or go out shopping.. Anything..

What she and I need is to socialize with other mothers. Other women. What is better than your own flesh and blood? Your own sister? We are both women. We are both mothers. Why can we not spend time together? Why doesn't she want to spend time with me?

Do I have cooties or something? Do I smell?

Miss you sis...