No More

No more can I deal with the confusion of my husband being back at work for two or three days to be laid off, yet again.

No more can I deal with my father treating me like the rotton, no good, middle child.

No more can I deal with my so called family only being able to remember the few months I have fucked up, instead of the years I have always been the educated, intelligent person I really am.

No more can I deal with two faced bitches who come into and out of my life like a fucking roller coaster to have blast with but still get fucked in the end.

No more will I let my mothers disease dictate who she is. She is not a nut. She is a person, just a nutty person.

No more will I let others dictate who I am.

I am a person.

A damn good person!

I am a mother.

A really good mother!

I am a wife.

A pretty decent wife!

I am an employee.

The best damn employee any boss has had.

I am me!

Dare I post?

He is back at work! Tom finally went in today!
I am so so proud!

Tom is having alot of mental health problems, and I am just so proud he went in today..

yay! Maybe soon we can live normal!

I don't wanna grow up: Missing my sis.

I saw you other day. And you couldn't even acknowlage me.
Granted I didn't acknowlage you either..but..
Why do I always have to be the grown up one and make the 1st move?
Why do I have to be the one to call? Write? Speak?
You never initiate conversation.
You are older.
I do not want to be the big girl and make the 1st move.
All I do want is a "hey, how ya doing?"
Or a "Congrats? How are you coping?"
Just something to show you care..

Guess I need to re listen to the Rolling Stones:
"You can't always get what you want,
but if you try sometime,
you get what you need."

All I need is what I always see. A sister (or brother) who worries about me, who is there for me, as I can be there for them.

Daddy Dearest.

Darling daughter, special son...
both of which always considered number one.
When will I be number one?
Wait I am now... Number one when it comes to making the health and financial decisions when Daddy dearest is too far gone to do so himself.
Other than when it comes to smarts I am nothing. Daddy's biggest fuck up, though I am the only child of his with a job, that has ever fled the nest, that takes care of his or her own.

Why is dearest daughter can't even call and ask how I am? Why is it she and special son, both just think I am stupid and need to 'grow up'?
Do they not see how damaged I truley am

I need a friend.

I need a friend to be there for me, as I can be there for them.
I need a friend to listen when I need an ear.
I need a friend who will get me away, when I can't catch a break.
I need a friend who can watch my kids, so I can get some time alone.
I need a friend who can gossip and bitch with the best of 'em.
I need a friend who can come to me with any of their problems.
I need a friend who can count on me, and let me count on them
I need a friendship that goes both ways.
I need a friend.

How will I get by?

How will I get by with out you to bitch to?
How will I get by with out you to help me through?
How will I get by with out you by my side?
Who will I complain to?
Who will I hang out with when I am bored?
Who will I go out to lunch with? And Will they pay?

Nana, through out each of my pregnancies, you have always been there.
Been there to listen, keep company, and to gossip.
Who will help me stay sane this time?
Who will calm my nerves?
Who will drive me to the hospital?
Remember! It is supposed to be you!
Remember after I had Collin? Finally 21? You and I were supposed to go out for drinks at Chilli's! And for our "shots." Man those shots at chilli's were so good...

Who will rock this baby to sleep? Who will instantly stop this baby's crying?
Collin still is desperate to meet you! He wants cookies too.
Thomas misses you bunches, lady, why can't you still be here?

This year without you has been hell, I need you to help me make life better.
Without you, life just doesn't seem worth it.
But I am still needed, so I have to wait to join you.
Listen lady, as soon as I can, I will! I still need my rematch in Skipbo, I know you cheated!

Thomas was asking for you on Halloween. Wondered where you were.
The holidays aren't the same without you, Nana.
We all need you here.

But you are gone. No longer here.
No longer there to listen, to care.

My mother will never take your place.
She will never be the Nana you were.
Hopefully one day, I can compare.



Nana, I hope Tom is right!
I hope this baby is your way of coming back.
I hope this baby is your way of shedding some light.

Tom misses you so much also.
He had no one to get drunk with at Christmas,
no one to pass out at the table with.


Man oh man lady, we need you still..

Father, for you have sinned.

Stop this man for he will kill.

Kill my body mind and soul.

Does he not seee what he does to me? To my husband? My children?

My husband should not worry if today is the day I kill.

He should not worry if it is my father or I.

Its funny how it is my father who provides.

He provides my family with shelter. With light. With cable and internet entertainment.

But why must he rub it in our face during every waking hour.
Not with warm words, but with hurtful angry ones, which make us feel like insignificants, losers, failures.

Then comes big the apology.
The, "I'm sorry, I don't know why I acted that way."
The, "Let me buy you off with presents, or pay you off with cash."

Can't he just understand? We are doing everything in our power now. We are saving every cent.
Does he not see how focused we are? Not even to get out for us. To get away from him.

My children do not need to see mommy screaming and slamming her face into walls.
Especially as she is working so hard on staying calm.

What works? I sat in here counting to 10.. didn't work.. biting my nails.. didn't work.. squeezing my pillow, hugging my son.. nothing works to stay calm, its even worse with him. At least when I argue with my husband, I end up braking down. Realizing how stupid I have been behaving. Not with dear fucking Daddy. Maybe its the clashing personalities.. Maybe the zodiac actually means something. Maybe its our destany for being born exactly 30 years apart to the day. Who fucking knows? Yet, we clash. Bad. Nothing but another can stop us when we fight.


Yet, here I go rambling on again, again with no point.

Whatever, one day it won't get to me. One day I will get out of this state. One day he will realize he needs to just grow the fuck up..

With Love, Your Granddaughter

The tears flowing down, as thoughts of you continue to whirl all around.

My heart beckons for you to return to me, I just want you to see.

To see how terrible I do without your guidance. Without you I seem I'm in a trance.

I need to grow up, move on, make do. I must stop putting all the blame on you.

Two days shy of already one year. This year has been too much to bare.

Now, I will start to mend. I can't change that you are dead.

I can, though, change the way I am. It's time for me to form a plan.

A plan of action if you will. A plan to get by with my heart fulfilled.

Fulfilled with your love, for me and mine. This will get easier with patience and time.

As each day flies by, the more I will try.

To remember, to miss, to grieve, and to live.

Because you have taught me, I have so much to give.

-♥Love, Your granddaughter, Nicole♥-

Thats it, I quit.

Tom is back to work! Woot Wott!

Man I am so excited, yet so over tired..

soooo.. I QUIT!

I quit the gas station. I was only there a month, yes it was part time, yes it was more than minimum wage, but I don't care!

I QUIT

My Stuntman

Gots a new blog.

I figured I am going to be posting quite a bit regarding this pregnancy. and I don't want to turn this into a preggo only blog.. Also I read a announcement on Justmommies regarding blogs so I wanted to start a new on for a bit now anyways..so is ya wanna check it out head on over to....

The Unexpected.

The name is based on the most recent siggy Rachel had made me. In fact, I hope she doesnt mind, I used it as the header :O lol!

Thanks Rachel and Justmommies for being my inspiration.