Thank you Rachel

You are truley amazing!

Very 1st OB appt.

Measuring apx. 6 weeks. Pregnancy should be fine with the methadone. I have to worry about premature labor. My ob may not be able to delivery me in my hospital, may have to deliver in Yale. Baby will have to stay at least 1 week in hospital to withdrawel from the drug.. I was feeling like such a rotton person for getting pregnant while on methadone.. What was I thinking letting him do that in me? knowing the risks? But I am really working on not thinking that way. I am trying to think of this as my way of really beginning again.

u/s on monday, appt in 4 weeks, he confirmed 9/22 as edd based on lmp

Nothing beats...

...just lying in bed next to your husband, while your children are sound asleep.

The downfall to this is, we must sleep, for 5 a.m. comes oh so soon.

Man oh Man do I miss his body, though it is next to mine each and every night, even right now as I type this.

I guess cuddling will have to do for now, though, I guess it doesn't matter how often we make love now, does it?

Its a baby!

I forgot to post!



bloodwork confirmed it!

1st appt: tomarrow, 1030am!

My New Beginning.

In my Jan2008PR on the message boards at www.justmommies.com one of the fellow mommies posted this quote.

"The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude to me is more important than facts.... We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10 percent what happens to me and 90 percent how I react to it. And so it is with you... we are in charge of our attitudes." -
-- Charles swindoll

I will post here the reason she mentioned this quote to me.

I had posted yesterday on JM about how this pregnancy is my new beginning.

"I am so darn sick of feeling so negative. I am so sick of whining about all the things that seem to be just going wrong.I was thinking, while at the hospital.. Maybe this pregnancy is a blessing? Maybe this is the my fresh start.. This is my new beginning. Negativity and self pity are not going to get me far, or my family. What my family needs is a positive attitude. Motivation. Initiative. Being so low all the time is not going to help give my family what we need. We need Positives! Heck, it was a positive pregnancy test right? How can you get more positive than that? Collin coughing blood turned out to just be the ear infection, granted that stinks, but its a heck of a lot better than the things that were going through my mind!This is it. Starting right now at this moment. I will put all my energy towards the positives. No more being such a negative Nancy!"

Am I or Am I not?

help. My first period showed december 15th. My 1st since when I was using.. anyway Tom and I had sex about two weeks ago, the only time this month. I just took a test because I am paranoid, and....



its a shade or so darker in person I believe.. I am freaking out.. the digital thing says no but every time I have tested negative there was NO line whatsoever, and everytime I have tested positive, line.. when preggo w/ Collin this is the shade it was on the 1st test...

One Year Ago Today

I had my last OB appt. I was told Collin was 7lb6oz, I was scheduled to have an induction for the 18th at 6am. I was CONVINCED he was never going to come. That night he was born, after the easiest, quickest, birth I had ever imagined, at 6 lbs 19 oz.

I cannot believe this. I am so ready for another baby, well no, I am completed not, but I want another.

This first year is just so amazing, how they turn from these itty bitty little blobs to these real people with their own amazing little personalities. Then when you add the affection they learn over this first year. Wow.

I so miss the cuddles from when he was so teensy. I miss him completey relying on me for nourishment, for comfort, for love, for everything. Yet, the hugs and open mouth kisses, the high fives, the waves buh-bye, the "ny nys" at bedtime, the smiles in the morning and after a nap..

Oh my. Do I love this first year.

And to think, it just gets better, easier, harder. Different. I look at Thomas, then imagine Collin in a year or two. The things he is going to learn. Things he will do. Man oh Man.


Happy Birthday my little man.

Missing her.

Growing up, for the longest time she was my bestest. My closest. The only one I could tell my deepest, darkest secrets to. And when she is around I still feel the same. Why? I give her my all, I call weekly to check in on her and my nephew. I want to spend time together like in the past. Just bullshitting like always. Her doing my hair, me giving her advice. Maybe driving around aimlessly blasting to some shit, trying to get lost. Or just sitting around watching 7th Heaven, boy meets world and full house reruns. Or even, just sitting on the phone for hours.. I miss those days. You would think now that we both have children we should get to get together more often for the boys to play.

Yet, I feel she wants nothing to do with me. She never calls. Never wants to hang out. Never wants to do anything with me. She doesn't even consider me a friend anymore according to her myspace surveys... heck according to those she doesn't even remember her own nephew was born the same year as her son.. When we talk she is never concerned about how I am, though I am always wondering about her. Hoping she is coping with living with her mom. Hoping she is coping with a fiance that isn't motivated to get their family a place of their own. Hoping she is coping with life as a mother. I worry about her greatly, deeply, constantly.

Does she worry about me? Would she care if I did go through with my suicidal thoughts? Would she even notice if I weren't here anymore? Does she ever want to spend any time with me anymore? Will it change when the boys get a bit older? Or will it be like it is now? Her moms family is number one.. and everyone else is garbage.

All I want is to plan weekly, or bi-monthly play dates. Maybe her and I could hit the gym together. Or go out shopping.. Anything..

What she and I need is to socialize with other mothers. Other women. What is better than your own flesh and blood? Your own sister? We are both women. We are both mothers. Why can we not spend time together? Why doesn't she want to spend time with me?

Do I have cooties or something? Do I smell?

Miss you sis...

Goodbye 2008, Hello 2009

2008 was full of deaths, drug addictions, suicide attempts and depressed manic minds.
2008 was an unwanted negative rotten year.
2008 was the year that would never end.
2008 should never have even began.

2009 is the ending of 2008. It is the start of a new beginning. A new year.
2009 is the year of hope, goals, and dreams.
2009 will bring new bodies, lives, and persons.
2009 will be the end all, begin again.