Another Halloween

It's funny how Halloween morning has changed, I remember waking up and the excitement and impatience nearly killed me. I remember thinking 8 more hours, 7, 6, 5.. Counting down until Trick or Treat time. Now? Yea I cannot wait until trick or treat time, but it's different. I am not impatient, in fact I am hoping the day does not fly by, I have so many things I want to do, need to do, have to do, that I am hoping to cram it all in before trick or treat time. Even Thomas is too young for that crazy, I want to trick or treat now, stage. I told him it's Halloween, and he wants to go trick or treating, but he knows it is way too early. He is totally okay with waiting. Collin he thinks its another normal day.

It is also funny how Halloween has changed, I remember going out around 6, and not coming home until at least 9, 9:30.. Now? You have to go out around 5, everyone's lights are off by 7:30-8.. I remember at least 2 pillow cases full of candy. Now? Maybe an overflowing pumpkin.. I remember crowds and crowds of kids, everywhere, making it impossible to attempt to drive anywhere on Halloween night. Now? The largest crowd is maybe 6-10 people who all went together, driving is pretty much normal, just you hit the brakes more..

Let's see how this year goes!

SnapShots!

Thomas was eating an ice cream bar and

I thought what a perfect photo op:

Then I thought, can't just take a few shots

of just one boy, so here is Collin!

She is home!

I got my camera out of the pawn shop tonight!!!! I am so freaking thrilled it isn't even funny!! I will prolly take over 100 pix tonight :LOL:
The main reason I am really thrilled is I want to learn the basics then make a portfolio (sp?)Especially since I just applied for a few new photo jobs that require no experience and will provide training. One is preschool photography, no exp, paid training ect ect :D they actually emailed me back asking for references for my work history and some personal references. All they want re: photography is someone who has an interest. Wish me luck with that one!

Feelings

Upset stomach,
Mind a mess,
Lost in thought,
Who would have guessed?

The feelings are back.
They never really stray.
I want to get through,
just one day.

One day where it never
crosses my mind.
One day where it doesn't
take up all my time.

Thoughts, feelings, emotions control everything.
Everyday.

My baby boy ;[

He says, "Mommy I wanna sleep at Grandma's," in that whiny, begging voice.
"Remember last time, Thomas, when you cried and cried that you missed Mommy," I replied.
"Yea Mommy, I member," he whines back, "I no cry now, Mommy!"
"Okay, but it is up to Grandma & Grandpa!"

So jammies on, hugs and kisses for Mommy, Daddy, & Collin, and another promise that he will be good, he won't cry for Mommy and he will sleep in his spot for the night and not in Grandma's bed, lol. Mommy, Daddy & Collin go home, Collin just goes to sleep and the phone rings..

Who is it?

Take a guess.

Just one.

Yup, Thomas, begging and crying to come home.
"I *sniff, sniff* want to come home, Mommy! I not want to sleep at Grandma's no more. *sniff, sniff* It's time for bed and I want to sleep with you, Mommy! *sniff, sniff"

What's a Mom to do? Here you are listening to your three year old son, who begged to stay at Grandma's, begging to come home now. You have just enough gas to bring the other baby back to Grandma's and go to work. But you cannot stand the thought of your 1st born son sitting at his grandparents house miserable wanting his mommy.

This is what a mom does:

-Convinces him to spend the night, promises to call bright and early and promises Daddy will be there early to play with him.

Man! Do I hate to hear my children upset or what!?

So Freaking Busy!

I just started a new job last Wednesday, and OMG am I exhausted! It is pretty much 8:45am-8:45pm, well sorta, basically a meeting at 8:45, then that is over at 10:30, then I have to head to my 1st appt at 11:30, that is usually over around 2:15, then I go to my 2nd appt at 3:30, that is over around 5:45, then to my last appt at 6:30 which is usually over at 8:45pm.. It is hard but it is awesome pay, and if I make any sales then I will see more money than I have ever seen in a paycheck before, lol! So if you are curious to know what this too good to be true job is, it is selling Kirby's, yes the vacuum, well it isn't a vacuum. It is a "home cleaning system." Basically I go where the boss tells me, (three homes per day) to do a "free carpet cleaning," then attempt to sell the product. I get a set pay for doing the 15 weekly appointments, plus bonuses for making sales, for showing up to the morning meeting, and there are always contests to keep us motivated. For example, for training, if we (the new hirers) set up 6+ appointments on our own for the previous weekend we were paid $10 per appointment, which is not much, but that is not counting all the other pays, all the other bonuses, or if we made any sales. So since I made a sale on Fri. I will be getting the $60 for the appts, and the $$ for the sale, plus my set pay for doing the 15 appts. on my first check. I love it, I just miss my kids..

Treat others how you want to be treated.

Isn't that what all parents teach their children?
..Then why don't all parents treat their children, or son in laws in my case that way? Okay heres the deal. My husband was supposed to make his car payment today, with his unemployment check. Normally he makes xx amount of money, which just covers the car payment. For some reason unemployment only gave him x amount, which is ½ of what he needs. Okay.... Well the car is both my husbands name and my fathers... Yesterday my father made a huge fuss about my hubby making the payment because the last few have been late, very late, but were finally paid. Instead of my husband telling my father he didn't have the money last night when his check came, he waited until tonight. He waited so he could call unemployment and ask why he didn't get his whole amount. He also waited so he could try and come up with the other half of the payment. Of course, he didn't get the rest of the money so he went to talk to my father.
What does my father do...
The same thing he always does!
He flips out! Totally screaming, telling my husband and me we need to pack up, get our children who are ready for bed bundled up and get the f out of his house. Because unemployment changed the amount my husband gets with out notice, he wants us out of his house. He doesn't care his screaming is affecting my children, his grandsons! He doesn't care my three year old and nine month old are crying their eyes out, scared out of their minds, begging mommy to make Poppy stop yelling. My father does not care!
I do understand him being upset, over the past few months my husband and I were terrible. I know this, he knows this, everyone knows this. We were addicts. We did exactly what he did 9+ years ago when he was battling his addiction.
He says he understands us getting clean and getting back on our feet. He says he understands us being broke. He says he is their to help us. Yet the minute things are not his way or not on his terms, he freaks! It is an every other day thing where he has to fight us. He fights us because my husband doesn't go to N.A. He fights us because my husband would rather collect unemployment than make half of what he makes there at McDonald's or Stop and Shop. He fights us because my Methadone makes me nod more now than when I was getting high. He fights us because we turn on the kitchen light instead of the pantry light. He fights us because we stay up late and have our television, in our room on past two a.m. He fights us because we only have one working vehicle. He fights us all the time, over every little thing. And him fighting us means him screaming and yelling and slamming doors and throwing things in front of my children. His fighting us means my young children being scared, crying, and begging mommy to make it stop.
He was an addict. He knows what it is like when you are first getting clean. He knows how hard it is to get back on your feet and pull yourself out of that gutter.

Why can't he treat others the way he wants to be treated?

If we yell at him we might as well be homeless, but he can treat us like the worthless junkies he believes us to be.

Yet why am I complaining? What right do I have to complain? I mean he is letting us live here rent free, all four of us..

Mumbo Jumbo

This post is really just a bunch of nonsense:

1. I did a little photo shoot with my hubbs today, lol!


2. My bestest budd Rachel made this for me for my signature on Justmommies


3. Since things have gotten better with the addiction I am paranoid about gaining weight. I have always been the "fat chick" when I am out, or with anyone I know and I finally feel good about myself with how I look. Now that I am clean, I am petrified of gaining weight. So a healthy diet and exercise it will have to be! Wish me luck on that one..

4. I am really, really missing my camera at the moment. I have always loved photography, and would love to get back into it.. But I need the money first.. At least I know I will have my camera back before halloween.. Anyway, missing photography I took these two shots just goofing off.. I know they suck ;)

My Twins

I swear I have twins. My boys just look so much a like. Today, I accidently put the same colors on them. They look identical!


I love it! Now that Collin is getting a bit older the boys are playing so well together. Today they turned the laundry basket into a boat or a car or something, lol. Originally Collin climbed in on his own, then Thomas joined in. I got such cute pictures out of it. <3









I love this. I love watching them two. They are so sweet sometimes. It is definitly moments like this that make life worth living. Who knew the impact a three year old and an almost nine month old would have on one persons life.
With Thomas, he is the worlds sweetest boy, when I cry, he tells me it's okay. He gives me hugs and kisses. He tells me he loves me.
With Collin, he reaches for me, he rests his head on my shoulder, face, neck, or chest, cuddling up on me. He calls me Mamama. He smiles at me. He caresses my cheek with his fingers. At such a young age, he is already as compassionate as his big brother.

My Camera.

How I miss my baby :( I pawned my camera for a few bucks in the beginning of the summer and cannot come up with the cash to get her home. I miss her so so much, how pathetic am I? I managed to get her home for Thomas's 3rd birthday, but back in she went. Its so much easier to pay $25, to keep her there than to come up with the $125 to get her home. I wanted to get a couple of pictures of my boys today and had to resort to using my brothers Kodak EasyShare C513.

I miss it.

I want it.
I really, really want it.
I crave it.
But do I need it?
No.

It's amazing how something that came into my life, that took away that pain for a few moments, caused so much terror. It caused me to lose everything. Yet, I still want it. I still love that feeling it gives me. That amazing, no one can touch me, euphoric feeling.

I miss it.
I really, really miss it.
But will I get it?
No.

I know what it will do to me again. I know I am struggling now to fix everything and one little taste will ruin everything again.

Another Pay Day

I hate pay day.. I really do. After gas, cigarettes, diapers, and everything else we need.. I am broke. Again. I thought now that things are getting better, we would see a bit more cash at the end of the day, I thought my check would at least last more than an hour. Nope, still the same.. Whatever.

Eyes wide shut.

My eyes are always closed.
Never am I awake.
When medication knocks you out,
it is time for a change.
But what if you cannot survive with out it yet?

What should I do now?
I was wrong, blind and stupid before,
and now I am sane..
But I am never awake,
never there.

My new blog.

Finally after blogging for about a year or more on Myspace, and someone telling me about this site, I have decided to create my own blog. This place will mostly be nonsense but whatever.. It is my place in the WWW.

Let me tell you a bit about myself. I am obviously Nicole. I am twenty-one years old and my birthday is January 23rd. I am married to a wonderful man named Tom, and we have two beautiful boys together. I met my husband back in 2000, and we tied the knot on May 7th, 2005. Our first born son is Thomas Harold Jr. He was born September 6th, 2005. Our second baby boy is Collin Paul and he was born on his due date, January 17th, 2008. Both boys have beautiful blonde hair and blue eyes, the most amazing personalities, and are both very smart. I have my diploma but am still unsure about what I want to do with my life. I thought I wanted to be a nurse, but honestly I do not want that responsibility. I also wanted to be a teacher. Right now I have no clue, all I do know is I want to do something with children. I always am working though it is part time work somewhere lame. I found my first job at sixteen and have had one ever since. Though, there has been quite a few. Currently I am at the Stop and Shop deli in town.

This year has been the roughest year I have experienced. Between deaths, births, illnesses, mental disorders, addictions, and friends who have come and gone, I am suprised I am still breathing. Many times I have wanted to end my life, a few times I have tried. I am still here though and there are two reasons. My wonderful boys. I am unfortunately living with my parents at the moment. After five years on my own, this is very hard for me, especially since I know we will be here a while. I am very fortunate to have my parents let my family of four stay here and start over.

So that is where I am now, starting over. This is my new beginning. I guess that is pretty much it for now. I hope to be writing at least three to four times a week. Writing has always been my out, whether it be a diary entry, a poem, a list, a few random words.. It always helps.