No more Cheesecake

As we all know I have been doing great with dieting and exercise. I have been working out 4-5 times a week, walking daily, and eating right. Until the holiday of course.. I swear since Thursday I have had at least six slices of cheesecake, oops. Thats not including the banana creme pie, the apple pie, the mashed potato's, the everything, LOL! This is so hard there is still half a cheesecake in the fridge.. I want it so bad.. Instead I marched my way over, grabbed a bottle of water and a granola bar, chugged the water-all of it and ate my granola bar. I am full. I still can devour that cheesecake if I let myself though ;]

No more cheesecake. I just posted yesterday that I am in a size 11. I will get to a size 9, I am not going the other way. I am not fighting this battle for nothing here! I can continue, two days of feasting is not going to knock me down!

Feels So Good.

Today is Black Friday. Never once have I ever set foot into a store on black Friday before. Until today. I had to go to Wal*Mart, LEI jeans were just $8, instead of the usual $20. Cannot beat that right? I needed new pants anyway since all of mine are too big front the weight loss. So I go in and there is only one pair in my "new" size, juniours 13. Since I am planning on losing more weight I bought a pair of 11's in hope of fitting in them by the new year. I haven't worn an 11 since I was in 6th grade, 11/12 years old. Well fuck me! They fit now! I am so flippin' ecstatic it't not even the least bit funny.

Dream size, 9, here I come!

Thanksgiving

What do I have to be thankful for? Most definitely my children, my husband, my parents, my inlaws, and my few few friends. What else? Hmmm... I don't think there is anything else. I hate this. I hate being so fucking negative, especially on a holiday. Especially a holiday were you are supposed to be so fucking grateful for what you have.. How can I be full of thanks when I feel so terrible. When I have so much hatred, guilt, and self-pity filling my soul? How can I be thankful, when this is been the worst year of my entire life? When will I get over this? When will I get over myself? When will I move on with my life? Why do I always live in the past?

Happy Turkey..

Goals.

Screw Everyone who believes my life will fail.
I don't need anything negative in my life.
I can better my life
-all aspects of it.

January is coming quick. January usually means new years resolutions that no one keeps.
I have quite a few I have been contemplating for this year. I will stick through mine until they come true.

My goals for 2009.
1. Get down to a size 6/7, or 130 lbs.
2. Move into a 2-3 bedroom apartment or house, that I can see my family staying in for years to come. A place for us to live until we are ready to purchase our 1st home.
3. Pay off all debts.
4. Stay drug-free.
5. Teach my oldest son the preschool basics.
6. Get my menstrual cycle back to normal.
-and lastly, and only if the above 6 come true:
7. Start TTC#3!

Who's to blame?

Did I come off as placing the blame?
You are not to blame.
I am to blame.
What can I say...
I made a terrible choice.
I knew from the start,
not to let you in.
I knew from the start,
what would be.

I made my bed.
Now I have to lay in it.

Dear Sarah,

I hope this letter finds you in the worst of health,
in a worse off place than I find myself.

In recent months I have wanted to thank you.
Thank you for telling me you would always be my friend.
Telling me you would always be there.
Telling me you would never let me try it.
Telling me you would always care.

Thank you for lending a helping hand.
That helping hand helped so much.
Helped us get hooked, lose our home.
Don't worry hun, I kept it all hushed.

Thank you for sending me spiraling down,
so low that I don't see any way up.
Thank you for all the lies.
For making me trust.

Only a friend as kind as you
can come in and out of my life.
And each time I let you in again
you push deeper that knife.

You were my truest friend
Time and time again.
Each and every time
My heart is harder to mend.

This time was the hardest
The hardest to bare.
How can I get through this now?
When you don't even care?

You have hurt me so many times.
Each time gets worse and worse.
What you wanted, you took,
Now I glance back, I take one last look.
I truly hope you die my friend.
Because it is my life you have cursed.
-with love, Nicole.

Whats worse?

Yesterday we were given some bad news. My parents house they are renting is in foreclosure. The landlords are telling us it is not, but we were served the papers. The marshell had no clue there were tenants in the home. If it were the landlord, they would have until Nov. 25th to get out. It is a bit different for tenants, not much but a bit different. The marshell will come again on or a few days after the 25th to tell us our options. He said basically that they will give us our "get out" date. This really sucks. If Tom and I both start working today, we still will not be able to get our own place within 90 days. We have to fix our credit before either of us will be able to rent an apartment. Our credit is just that bad.. My father told us when they have to find a place they are looking for a 4 rm rent, which means we can't come. Which means, Tom and the kids will go move to my IL's but I have absolutely no where to go. No Where... I am really freaked out. I don't know what to do. I spoke with the state this morning, and they will help me find a shelter, but I am not bad off enough where they can help me with housing. WTF? I explained that My kids and I need a home. Need a place to stay. I didn't tell the lady that the kids can go to my IL's I made us sound worse off.. Apparently not too bad though since all they can do for us is a shelter. I am so scared. Last night I was in such a bad state of mind all I was thinking about when suicide again. I don't know what to do. I want another kid? How dare I even think about getting off the methodone and getting my body back to normal and getting pregnant if I don't even have a place to live?!

I have 65 days clean today. Which I am very proud of. I am on new meds. I am seeing a new shrink and counselor and going to groups for women addicts, mother and child, and relapse prevention. Tom is in the same boat as me, he has 38 days clean.. He just go his methodone dose to the right amount for him to be "functioning" So he just started working his butt off to find some work. He is actually doing some side jobs this weekend. But the union he is in still has no work.

I thought things were getting better. I thought things couldnt get any worse. I honestly do not no what to do. Tomorrow morning when I go to get my med I am going to ask to speak to someone. I need to talk to a professional. I am just not in a healthy state of mind. I mean I am when it comes to posting to other topics online. But not when I am just sitting or doing something around the house.. Its like I need to stay online or play with the boys just to keep my mind for fucking with me.

I thought things were getting much better.

Suicidal Tendencies.

No where to go,
No where to turn.
Seroquel staring at me,
Should I give it a whirl?
Will the sixty I have do it?
Should I add the twenty neurontin too?
Add a few zoloft and celexa.
Will it do?

Is Suicide a Choice?
"No. Choice implies that a suicidal person can reasonably look at alternatives and select among them. If they could rationally choose, it would not be suicide. Suicide happens when all other alternatives are exhausted -- when no other choices are seen."
- Adina Wrobleski Suicide: Why? (1995)

Motrin Offends Moms w/ this one

Motrin comes out with this ad for baby-wearing moms:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BmykFKjNpdY

Pulls it after offending a billion moms:
http://motrin.com/

And my new favorite mom makes a comeback:
http://motherhooduncensored.typepad.com/motherhood_uncensored/2008/11/if-you-cant-joi.html

First Birthday Party Drama

Okay Mcd's is out. We are talking $500 or more :(
So we will rent the same hall my wedding was in. So we need..
Invitations
Decorations
Food-plates, cups, silverware, napkins
Cake-knife, plates
Games-pin the tail, clown, pinata

Guess now I need a theme...

Oh. My. Gosh.

Applied at Olive Garden, interview on Monday.

Signed up for Sittercity.com, care.com and nannies4hire.com

Put ad on Craigslist for babysitting.



I need money. NOW.



Collins party is Jan 18th. I have 20 kids OVER 1 coming (5 under).

We are doing a McD's party- $9.99/child, 10x20=200!!! $200.00 for JUST the kids to come... NOT including anything else. The space, the food, the cake, just for the kids.



What about the 50+ Adults?



AAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!

The never ending cycle.

I convince my dad to spend $129 on a study guide to get me into working for the USPS. $129 I need to pay back when I get a job, fail the test, or do not land a job on the 1st interview. Well.. I finally get all the materials. For what? For me to find out that not one post office in CT is currently hiring. Not one. I can move anywhere else and apply. Just not in CT.. Maybe I should move to MD, or MA, or NJ, or RI..

Oh wait.

Can't move.
Can't move with out money.
Can't have money until I find a well paying job.
Can't find a well paying job unless I move.
Can't move without money.
Can't move.

Gotta love this vicious cycle.

Counting Cals, Photography, Parenting, Sobriety, & The Work Force

Counting Cals
Eating healthy is going great! 3 days is longer than I have ever made it. I haven't eaten over 1,500 calories in three days, but am not hungry. Now to work on including breakfast everyday. It is a pain in the butt to watch calories though, but I like having something to focus on.

Sunday: 1,445
Monday: 1,245
Tuesday: 1,169

I will probably have another snack around 9:30..



Photography 101
I just joined a new message board, http://ilovephotography.com/forums/, I probably won't frequent it as much as I do the photo-board on Just Mommies, but I will hang around a bit.

I am still struggling in Manual on my camera.. for some reason I cannot get anything but very black photo's unless it is complete daylight.. whatever, I will figure it out something.

I applied for 3 different photography positions today, hopefully someone will call. All of them provide free training, so we will see.


Bed time Blues
I have never mentioned this before, but we really have a lot of trouble getting Thomas to sleep and were starting to have the same issues with Collin. Not only did I start my diet on Sunday, but I started a new bedtime routine for the boys. 7:45 Collin gets his last bottle. We brush his teeth. By now it is 8p.m. I put on his Baby Mozart DVD. I lay him down w/ his blankey, lion, puppy, and wormy. Give him his kiss and tell him I love him and walk out. He is completely out by 8:30, so then it is Thomas's turn. He brushes his teeth, goes potty one last time and then picks a movie. I put it on, tuck him in and give him a kiss and hug and we say our I love you's. The boys are adjusting well to this. I really hope it sticks!


Sobriety
Man does it suck... I watched intervention last night and was nearly drooling over a guy sticking a needle in his arm. How freaking sick? Today I was finally given a urine at the program.. but of course, I couldn't pee. I swear unless I am pregnant or peeing on a stick I cannot go. I can't.. This sucks, I cannot progress in the program unless they know I am clean, they won't know I am clean unless I give a urine. And.. I cannot give a urine..

Also, my counselor left Friday.. So I am without a counselor.. Also, I was supposed to meet the psychiatrist for the 1st time last week but he had an emergency. I cannot reschedule that appt. until I get a new counselor, so another week or so I have to wait. I really need to build a rapport with these people so I can learn to trust them and fully open up. I need to get a lot out, figure out a lot, and learn some things about myself. And get on some medication..

The Work Force
I quit Stop & Shop 3 weeks ago, started selling kirbys, quit that.. Now I am waiting for the post office to send me my practice tests and test date. Hopefully I can get in.. At least it pays well and has awesome benefits. I would have loved to have stuck w/ Kirby, I was sooo good at it! The hours sucked though, I was never home. 8:45a-9:30-10p is way too long of a day with two small children.

Counting Cals.

So far today:
20 oz hot cocoa from gas station, 225
toms ckn noodle soup w/ 5 ritz cracker, 230
12 oz iced tea, 120
1c prepared speghetti w/ 2tbsp lobster sauce and 1 tbsp grated cheese, 260
1 tbsp reese pb chips, 80
1 brownie, 80

Yesterday, my grand total was 1445 with a few things I ate after I posted yesterday.

Figuring out settings.

I just finally figured out how to change the shutter speed and aperture on my camera :D YAY!

154?!?!

Oh no! I knew the halloween candy would do it. I knew it.. I have been pigging out, porking out, and just plain devouring chocolate, sweets, brownies, and cookies for the past 10 days. Of course some of the lbs I have lost came back.. So freaking depressing. I have always been on the heavy side. At 13 I wieghed 140 lbs. At 14 I was up to 160. 15, 150. 16, 160. 17, 180. 18, 200. 19, 180, 20, 175, 21, 214. I am still 21. Since January I have lost 64 lbs, getting me down to 150 lbs, the lowest since I was 15, six years ago. Sadly, I did not do this the right way, but I have never felt better about my physical appearance, but after cleaning up my life, my old eating habits have been returning. Now, to maintain my healthy weight, maybe drop 20 lbs more. I want to do this right! I read that to maintain my weight with my body type and metabolism I should eat 2016 Calories/day now for fat loss 1612 Calories/day and for extreme fat loss, 1232 Calories/day. I have also read cutting down more than 500 Cal/day in a short time or more, will slow my metabolism. We do not want that! Anyway, within my ramblings I will also include what I have eaten for the day, as of that post. I normally have around 2,500-3,000 calories a day. So for the next 4 days I will aim for 2,000, with 25,000 being the absolute most. Today, I was busy so it was a slow eating day for me. I find if I am bored or not busy I eat more.

So here is today, so far, I will probably eat another something before bed, always have a snack around 9, 3 hours before bedtime.
24 oz of iced tea, 240 cal.
1 So. Beach dinner, 240 cal.
1 choco. donut, 180 cal.
2 fun size candy bars, 160 cal.
1 slice of bacon, 80 cal.
16 oz hot chocolate, 225 cal.
Total: 1125 cal



I have also walked the block and raked ½ the yard.

Oh! Just an F.Y.I. my BMI is 25, making me over weight. A healthy weight for someone my height is 115-145, depending on body type. My goal is 130 lbs! 24 lbs to lose!

Another Warm Day.

I could have sworn it was November. I could have sworn October was quite chilly. I could have sworn by now, the only way we would be going outside would be bundled up.

No, not yet.

MyShutterSpace.com

Shooting in Auto

I have really been trying to shoot out of auto, and have found my self stuck in AP, maybe I should go back to Auto for a minute ;]

Click this: Four Reasons Not to Write off Shooting in Automatic.

Join in on ridding the world of Bush!

Been so long!

I cannot believe I am talking to her! My best friend, and we have never even met. She is the only one that I can actually tell any-and everything to without feeling judged. There are a few women from JM that I can trust like this, but for some reason, I chose her. She is my rock. I swear I can probably run away from home, and go live under her front porch and she wouldn't even mind.

Rachel, thank you for logging on to AIM and giving me a few moments of a real conversation, even if we always just bullshit.

Photography 101

Went to East Rock Tuesday, here are a few shots from the day.

The same ol' thing.

Everymorning it's the same old bullshit. Collin gets up first, talking and screaming in his crib. Then I roll my eyes at the start of another day, get up and make a bottle, hand it off to Collin in his crib, with a few toys and try to get a few more minutes of sleep. Then Thomas wakes up, joins Collin in the crib for some play in there so Mommy and Daddy can get a few more minutes of sleep. Next comes the mad dash. The dash to get the boys and ourselves dressed, which means: I get Collin dressed, Thomas changed, myself dressed, then Tom gets up, grabs a smoke, heads to the bathroom until he knows that I sure have done it all myself..again. Then we rush to get medicated and come back home.. and guess what!? By now, its noon.. time to start another mad dash.. Make some formula, make some lunch, and while Tom does do most of this part.. What does he do once the kids food is in front of them? Rush into P.J.s room to play PS3... Man it has only been a few days since that part has been apart of our daily routine but I am sick of it.. Not because he plays while the boys eat, but because he doesn't stop playing until P.J. goes to bed, around 9-10p.m!

I have been asking for a week now for him to take me somewhere so the boys can play in some leaves and I can get some great foliage photo's..

Maybe Today..

Finally my Halloween post :D

Man am I glad it is over, but am now afraid, it is officially Holiday season and time to plan a 1st birthday party.. maybe, just maybe I shouldn't be glad it is over? hmm..

Well anyway, Friday night was awesome! I actually think I had more fun than the boys, but man oh man are my back and shoulders killing me! I decided to "wear" my superbaby so he can get into all the trick or treat action. Yes he was cute, yes he looked like he was flying, and yes he had a blast, but Mommy is paying!




The day started when my Aunt Alice showed up with the first of the goodies, Thomas finally got to put on his costume and get some loot. She gave the boys yogurt, m&m's, a shirt each, and $1 each.



Then Collin woke up from his nap and Daddy finished getting them ready so Mommy could get dressed up. :D







Then Daddy took the boys out to get some pictures. (Like we didn't have a million already :D)





Aunty Alicia, Uncle Ryan, and 9 week old cousin Micheal came over to show off his costume and to Trick or Treat at Poppy and Nana's house.



Grandpa, Grandma, Aunty Cheryl, cousins Eddie and Elizabeth showed up next. They were all coming T&Ting with us. So next I had to get a picture of Darth Vader with the Storm Trooper.




That meant a more shots of my boys.



Oh! Can't forget Mommy :D



Now off to T&T.






And last picture of the post, My parents, Nana and Poppy's house all decked out for Halloween. And to think all the decorations have already been taken down and the big Turkey is already up.



The boys did great! Each boy filled their buckets to the top 3 times, and halfway after that. We got alot of candy! It will probably last until next year lol! Okay.. that is sarcasm, especially with candy nuts like me and my hubby lol!

Whew! 'Nuff pix posted!