Into my life again?

I found something last night. Something I was sure to be completely out of my life.
Supposedly it was still there from before. Some things were missed when we cleaned up our lives.
Supposedly.

How do I know what to believe?
Do I believe they are from the past and trust my husband?
Do I believe they are new, something is being hidden from me, and not trust my husband?

He tells me I am retarded for not believing they are from the past.
He tells me I am stupid for not believing he just didn't throw them out.
He tells me I am an idiot for believing he is returning to that low again.

Yet, I cannot figure if I am upset for finding something?
Am I upset for not finding more?
Am I upset for not having the choice of being able to do anything if he were?
Am I upset because if he is the jealousy I already feel not knowing is already taking control of me?

I thought it was over, the cravings, the need, the want. I thought I was passed all that.
I thought I was the type to get over it, and be done with it.
Not one to struggle for a lifetime because of it.
Yet, here I sit, wondering where he is, wanting to feel this evil again.
I do still crave it.
I do still need it.
I do still want it.
I am not passed all of this.

Sleepless nights.

Tried to sleep.
Can't sleep.
Tried t.v.
Killed my mind.
Tried to sleep.
Can't sleep.
Tried milk.
Threw up.
Brushed my teeth
Now it's time to try and sleep.

Revamp 'dis shit right 'ere

Okay, I guess I am just not ghetto, that sounded lame to me too.. Oh well, whatever.

Anyway, yeah, I have been wanted to re-do this blog for quite some time, few weeks now.. Wow.. And I just spent a bit of time creating my own header, something other than just plain blogger text. So I will be doing all the revamping right now. Wish me luck, I tend to take forever to do this stuff. Hopefully it will be done soon..

If not.. Oh friggen well.

The debate continues.

Since I am a hugely devoted member of the JustMommies Message Boards when they started the JM blogs I just knew I would attempt to join the blogroll. Now that more and more of the daily blogs I read are joining I am feeling more tempted to join.

Yet, there is something stopping me.
Is it that I feel my blog isn't enough about motherhood?
Is it I feel my blog is too negative?
Maybe it is because I let out way more than I should on here, and if some of the women on JM read they will look down at me?
-That can't be it, otherwise I wouldn't have my blog linked in my sig..

Hmm.. Maybe.. it's because I personally think my blog sucks..

Who knows.. Maybe I will keep thinking about it and never apply. Maybe I will just swallow the lump in my throat and just do it.

We will see.

Methadone Vs. Heroin.

Another day where heading to get medicated is 1st on my list of to-dos. On the few lucky days where I do not have to waste time going down to the clinic, I am still tied down. I have to call in before drinking my disgusting green bottle and if my i.d. number is listed, I still have to head down to the clinic. I have to make sure I see my counselor every 4 weeks to sign up for another bottle and to make sure I am stable enough to receive my bottles. And I am supposed to attend hour long groups regarding addiction, healthy relationships, vocational training and more.
First thing in the morning, before hitting the clinic, you just have this overwhelming sense of laziness. You do not want to move, let alone get out of bed. Then after you drink it, or at least after I do, that wave of nausea comes, then you feel "normal" again. You feel better. Until the next morning.

As tied down as it seems, its really not much different than shooting up.

Before the methadone program, I still had a #1 on my daily to-dos. To come up with $30, then call the dealer. Then take the same drive that always seemed like it took at least 5 hours when in reality it only took 5 minutes. Then, instead of mixing that nasty green filth with juice to make it go down easier, I would have to mix that dirty brown powder with .5 mls of water, put in the tiny piece of cotton, and draw it into the syringe. Then the struggle that took forever to find the vein. All the while my body would ache and pound and pulse. My arms, legs and back, felt as is I had just been beaten with a bat. Runny nose, watery eyes, dry mouth. Honestly as bad as you feel in the morning before getting the methadone, this pain is much worse. Kinda like as the flu is about to attack. Yet, as soon as I would push in that plunger I would feel every ounce of my being "get better" The pain would just lift away, you can actually feel every inch of your body become filled with euphoria. The wave of nausea would come, but its not that bad. In fact, it doesn't even matter. Nothing in the world matters, because as bad as it can be, no matter how much you have lost, it does not matter, because you feel like you are on top of the world. Nothing can stop you.

Until it wears off, an hour or two or three later.. Then the hell starts again.

Okay, I guess there are some differences, as in the methadone lasts like 8x longer, but instead of the sense of euphoria you get with the dope, you only get a sense of normalcy.

At least that normalcy does not cause you to lose everythig you have, and does not cost $250+ to feel better per day.

Those Eyes..

Both my boys have amazing eyes. You don't really notice them all the time, but when the lighting and the surroundings are just right. Amazing.. Truly Amazing.

P.O.T.W-Brotherly Love.

I could not decide. All of these have been from the past week of fun we have had. This past week the boys have been getting along very well, almost more like true friends than brothers.
We had been given plenty of compliments on how handsome they are and how much alike they look. Of course we feel the same.

100 things about me.

1. Until I know you, I am actually really shy.
2. I am an attention seeker.
3. I easily fall into peer pressure.
4. I am a total follower-do not tell my boys.
5. As much as I hate dirt and clutter, I do not do anything about it.
6. I love working out, but am too darn lazy to do it.
7. I have so many things I would love to do with my life, but again, I am too lazy to work towards my goals.
8. I sometimes regret beginning my relationship so young, because I have had to support myself so early.
9. I miss my daddy buying me everything.
10. I miss getting to go school shopping at the end of the year.
11. I have not bought myself a new bra or new underwear since I was pregnant with Collin, about 2 years ago,
12. My two best friends live way too far away from me.
13. I really want to move out of Connecticut, but do not have the funds to do so.
14. I do not have the funds to do anything anymore.
15. I have no idea where my children, husband, or myself will live once this house sells.
16. I put everything off until the last minute.
17. I love to have my hair dyed and cut.
18. If I had things my way, I would stay in bed until noon daily then sit on the computer until 4, nap for an hour, sit on the computer for the rest of the night, go to bed, then start the whole day over again the next day.
19. Have I mentioned that I am really lazy?
20. I am really afraid of being alone.
21. Most days I really do not see a point in living, until my boys do something to make me smile.
22. I am currently a lane server or waitress at a bowling alley, and I absolutely love it.
23. Bar tending is part of the job on some nights.
24. I am really good at creating drinks just by asking someone pick an alcohol and asking what kinds of things they like.
25. I have fun playing Wii with Thomas, but some games its hard for him to play.
26. I have no rhythm.
27. I do not do very well at sports or games.
28. Except Monopoly; no one beats me!
29. My boobs used to be my favorite part of my body.
30. Until I stopped breastfeeding Collin.
31. I used to create my own websites.
32. Then I realized I suck.
33. I really do not have any creativity, though I like to pretend I do.
34. I love naps.
35. I could use a nap right now.
36. Honestly, I don't think anyone will ready this.
37. Honestly, I don't think many people read my blog in the 1st place.
38. I am really bad at replying to people.
39. Especially phone calls or email.
40. It all goes back to #19.
41. Thanks to hospital stays, I missed the last 3 days of 4th grade.
42. And the 1st three of my freshman year of high school.
43. I really love photography
44. But like I said before, I am not that creative.
45. My husband is nice enough to take care of the kids in the morning.
46. And let me sleep in until 11am.
47. I am not a morning person.
48. I love spongebob.
49. Discovery Health Channel is my favorite channel!
50. Followed by HGTV and TLC.
51. I am not really a big music person.
52. I like just a teensy bit of everything but country.
53. And Christian music-blech.
54. This list is taking a lot longer than I expected.
55. I may quit soon.
56. I love ice cream.
57. I am going to walk a way from this, and make a bowl of fudge swirl vanilla ice cream with graham cracker crumbs.
58. I love the flavor of graham crackers.
59. I especially love cheesecake.
60. I take almost 500 photos a week.
61. If I am actually doing something, besides sitting in the house, that can be a daily total.
62. 38 more to go.
63. I used to be very good at math.
64. In fact I even was given an award in high school for having the highest average.
65. But I am only good at basic math. Algebra and geometry are not math to me.
66. I am sick of getting sick.
67. I vomit almost daily still.
68. When I was getting high, I would vomit 3-6x per high.
69. Now for the 1st time in 5 pregnancies, I have morning sickness.
70. I hate morning sickness.
71. I still cry from happiness about having a little girl soon.
72. The last time I was this happy was 16 months ago.
73. The day each of my children were born are my most treasured memories.
74. And my wedding day.
75. I did not recognize my husband at my wedding.
76. 24 to go!
77. My ice cream is very good.
78. When I vomit, I pee my pants. Never fails!
79. I really should be napping since I can't before work.
80. Instead I am stuck doing this darn list.
81. Watch and the second I am ready to lay down, Collin will awaken.
82. It is a guarantee, when a parent is ready to relax, nap time is over.
83. I let my kids have poptarts for breakfast all the time, since the boys can get them without disturbing Tom and I from laying in bed.
84. I still cannot believe I am going to be a mommy of 3.
85. I still cannot believe I am a mommy period.
86. Or a wife.
87. Or an adult.
88. I have a step-daughter, whom I never met and is just 9 years younger than me.
89. She is truly beautiful.
90. 10 left? Nope, 9 now.
91. My sink is full of dirty dishes.
92. My dishwasher is full of clean dishes.
93. I hope my work clothes are dry before work.
94. Laundry and dishes are the chores I hate the most.
95. I am so psyched I am almost done.
96. Because of www.justmommies.com I have almost no time to do much of anything on the computer anymore.
97. The garbage truck just came at 1:42 p.m.
98. Aren't they supposed to come in the wee hours of the morning?
99. I love my pillows, they are calling my name.
100. Sweet, I made it! Now its nap time!

New Camera Lens=New Photos!

So I got my new (used) lens. It was made for a film camera, so it does not focus automatically on my D40, one down fall of buying the cheapest D-SLR.. Oh well, I should know how to anyway. Right?

Here are a couple photographs I took this afternoon while messing with my boys. My son Thomas is an awesome model:

Collin wanted to get in the fun as well, but he needs props or will not stay still for me:

It was funny, Tom usually hates getting his photo taken, almost as much as me. When ever I want a shot of him, he tells me I already have the perfect models and I don't need him. Strangely even he struck a pose for me:

I cannot wait to have more fun!

P.O.T.W-(photo.of.the.week.)-totally stolen!

After seeing many blogs doing a photo/picture of the day/week, I decided I wanted to join in! Let's see if I actually stick with it. I have just gotten my new lens, which I have to manually focus with. Man, I didn't know how hard that would actually be, considering I can't see worth squat! I had many photographs come out better than this one. Yet, this was my favorite of the day. What better than a little boy who wants to hug his mommy <3

Do you know how much I love seeing these arms stretched out like this?

See the other blog!

Baby Shower for me!!

The Pediatrician

I cannot believe I forgot to post about Collin latest check up.
He went Tuesday
He is 23lbs8oz and 31.5" tall, he is still so darn petite if you ask me. He got his MMR#1 and his chicken pox vac. The nurse and pedi both want us to start weaning Collin off the sippy and onto an open mouth cup. Something Thomas had completely had done by the age of 2-on his own.. So today we started with the open mouth cup:

Also, I had asked about Collin's lack of verbal communication, and explained how he doesn't even babble much, just the occasional ba and da sounds.. and the only word he says is ball, heck he doesn't even say mama or dada anymore...
Oh and our pediatrician had a stroke back in Dec/Jan. We realized at the 15 mo check up He is a lot "worse" than we had been led to believe. He has no use of his left arm at all. He lost soooo much weight. He just looks ill..

We realized we may have to find a new pediatrician in the next year or so.. I really do not want to switch. I have never heard of anyone around here (or anywhere) having a pediatrician as laid back as mine. One who isn't everything must be by the books...

And just so I don't have to start another post, Thomas is going to the pediatrician tonight, Tom is taking him as I will be at work.. He has a really big bite on his leg.. It hurts really badly to the touch. Tom popped it, as it looked like a pimple, with a really big head and the pus that came out was gross.. We are worried, as we think its what caused Collin's toe infection..

So smart yet so....hmm what's the word?

That's my baby boy Collin. I swear he is so darn smart! He understands pretty much you ask him to do. Need a diaper? He'll go get it. Tell him its buh-bye time, he will get every ones shoes and coats/jackets. Tell him its bath time, he tries his hardest to undress himself, which he cannot do on his own yet, but sure does try!

Again today we were practicing body parts. Just yesterday he would only point to his upper lip/nose when asked anything. Today....
Eyes, Hair/Head, mouth, nose, hand, feet... He got them all perfect!

This boy is the sweetest little guy! Then his favorite thing to do of late is to say buh-byes to someone. I had to head off to work tonight and did my goodnights, which consist of going to each of my boys (hubs included) and ask for kisses & hugs. I go to Tom get a kiss and a hug and say I love you. I go to Thomas and do the same only when I say I love you I point to my eye, heart, and then to him. I of course do the same with Collin who almost did not want to let go of me, and completed the I and you portion of my eye heart you ritual <3 Talk about making my night!

Video Games

Thomas is obsessed! Currently he is sat on the couch playing Zelda on the Wii, he doesn't know what he is doing, and just walks around aimlessly wielding a sword. He also loves to play Mario, Pac-Man, Sonic, Wii-play, Wii-fit, and of course, lets not forget Spongebob.

It is not just the Wii either. He also loves exploring the WWW. Nick Jr is his favorite place to be. Once I click it on for him, he just completely takes over, he can do anything on there without help!

He also loves his Easy Link Internet Launch Pad, basically it is a few games that he places without go really online.

Then there is the V-smile! Omgoodness, I didn't know how smart my boy is! He plays this game where you have to wait for the next letter of the alphabet to jump on something and he gets it right every single time!

He is so technologically advanced! Yet, he is 3!

Now to get this kid to practice doing some educational school type stuff with me!

Happy Anniversary & Mother's Day to me!

Tom and I have been planning on see my favorite person in the world Rachel forever it seems and finally got to go this past weekend, for my anniversary and mothers day. I am still high from excitement.


Friday:
We hit the road at 4 a.m. Friday morning, and after quite a few potty breaks for me, we finally arrived around 11 a.m. I was so nervous and excited! Rachel gave us a tour, and made us a quick lunch while the boys played.

Before lunch she had some JustMommies business to take care of which she was not counting on taking so long, and Tom had went with her father to get stuff for dinner, so I took over her computer for a little while.

After lunch we went to Gettysburg where stupid me dropped my camera, broke my lens. Luckily Tom was able to "fix" it and I was still able to use it until he did.

The boys were pretty good in the museum, for being 3. They were both flirting with this little girl.
We also drove through quite a bit, I had a ball.

Then we went back to Rachel's, where her father was making dinner. We had simple potato salad and burgers.

Since Rachel has a Baskin Robins at the end of her street, I had a huge ice cream craving, so we walked there after dinner.

When we got back, the boys had a bath together (all three!) Thomas and Daniel were having a great time until Collin decided to pour water all over them and the floor. Man did I feel terrible about that mess!

Finally around 11 p.m. or midnight we all went to bed. Rachel was awesome to let me and my family have her bedroom. Tom hated her bed, while I loved it! Super soft and squishy! Thomas slept on Daniel's bed, and Collin had his portable crib. Daniel decided to sleep with Thomas, until he woke up crying a bit, where I had to carry him up to Rachel who was sleeping on the couch. I felt so bad for him, I just wanted to cuddle him a bit out of habit.

Saturday:
Let me preface today by saying I have never been so grateful that when I need to go somewhere its never more than 20-30 minutes away, and usually within 10 minutes!
I woke up to the kids playing and watching Cars on Daniel's little "MP player." (A personal DVD player) Rachel came and got them for breakfast at about 9:30-10 a.m. Saturday Morning.
I was totally comfortable by now and helped myself to some Frosted Flakes and coffee, while the boys had Honey Nut Cheerios and Rachel had PB on toast.

Tom must have been comfortable as well, seeing as he slept until almost noon!

We were on our way on the road at 12:30. We went to Five Guys for lunch. Then Rachel gave us a drive through her old neighborhood, the "ghetto", and through Baltimore, then we decided to do a bit of [window] shopping and went to a mall.

I had never seen a mall on only one level before, yet this place was huge! I swear just the food court alone was bigger than the Milford Mall! I was so amazed at all the childrens outlets in this place, but I am poor so I couldn't afford much. I wound up getting each boy an outfit since I packed no summer clothes and Bailey two outfits that were clearanced.

Then we went back to Baltimore! We had so much fun! We road the water taxi which is like the city bus here, which took us all around the harbor! It was Thomas, Daniel, Collin, and my first time on a boat! Thomas and Daniel were in awe, Collin was so amazed, and actually was trying to climb out of the boat into the harbor!

At Fell's Point Tom found his perfect home. I swear there was a bar every 100 feet! We grabbed some soda's and hung out on what I would call a park. Thomas and Daniel were chasing some "bigger" boy who was skateboarding around and Tom was chasing Collin around. Collin just kept running from us, everytime he was out of his stroller. Can't say I blame him! He spent so much time in his stroller and car seat this past weekend!

We went back to the spot where we started in Baltimore, and tried to get a bite to eat, but it was already 10 p.m. and most places were closed, except Hooters. Tom ended up running into Hooters to find a bathroom, but walked out with a beer without ever peeing. LMBO!

We ended up getting BK and eating in the van. Yep, terrible parents we were, not feeding out kids until 10:30 at night, and in the car too nonetheless! The kids all ate a bit in the van then fell asleep before we even back!

We got back around 11:30 p.m? and Everyone but me, Rachel, and her daughter Sarah went to bed, I took over Rachel's computer-again to make myself a siggy, with her scrap supplies:



Oh and while in Baltimore we saw tons of NYY fanwear, so we had to do some research as well and make a decision!

Turned out, NY was in town! It was so ironic, since Tom and I originally wanted to head down to MD when NY was playing the Orioles, but never bothered to look into it when we decided to go for our anniversary.
We looked up tickets and saw there were still many left and pretty darn cheap too!

Sunday:
Thomas woke up around 4 a.m. and came into bed with us. Daniel woke up around 9 something, and was watching cartoons. I must have dozed back off as I woke up to Daniel on the bed with all of us, at our feet watching T.V. and Thomas yelling at him to move.

Collin woke up looking terrible, but in good spirits. He had a runny nose, and really watery eyes. Man did I feel bad!

I took them upstairs and we all woke up Rachel. We had decided to head to the game and to leave at 11 a.m.

Of course Tom didn't get up until 11 and my family is always taking forever so we didn't get out until 11:30 at least. We drove to a "train station" and took the train/subway to the ball park area. The kiddo's loved the train! We walked the few blocks to the stadium.

We went and got some tickets at $15/each, and got a few things, like drinks/snacks before heading in. I had begged for a NYY T so I could show some spirit. Unfortunetly the stand I found only had children's NYY shirts. I got it anyway and it barely fits! I had to get even with Rachel's orange and Daniels Orioles shirt!

Our seats were really high up, almost to the top. And in the bright, hot sun! Rachel was awesome enough to get us all sunblock, which the ghostly white boys needed. All us "big people" have red faces still!

The game was nuts, first it was 1-0 NYY, then 1-3 Bal for the longest time! NY ended up winning though! 5-3 final!!! We are still rubbing it in Rachel's face [=

We went back to Rachel's where she made me the one thing I had been craving all weekend; pasta and salad! MMM MMM MMMMM!

Her mother took a photo of all of us. The kids all had a bath, which we were trying so hard to avoid. Tom packed up the car. I got the boys and myself all comfy in our jammies. And the good byes started.

I so did not want to leave! Heck I wanna go back now, just not do as much! When I gave Rachel the goodbye hug I did not want to let go. I felt like I was leaving my closest friend behind.

I am already planning my next trip! I think I wanna go back down in Aug, for a more relaxing weekend ;-]

We left around 9:15-9:30 p.m. The kids were sleeping within 15-20 minutes of being on the road. Something was wrong with the GPS at 1st and it was on an only local path home. After an hour we figured out how to change that.

I had to take many potty stops again.
At one point we had thought we lost our tranny-that we just got fixed!
It was pretty funny.

If it weren't for the detour in the beginning and all my stops, we would probably have been home around 2 a.m. We got home between 3:15-3:30 a.m. Monday morning. And were sound asleep in our beds by 4 a.m!

If you have read all that wow! You amaze me! Here is a link to the photo album I made of the trip and a slideshow ;)

Anniversary/MothersDay2009 Album

1st time pink!

I have been making "siggies" for myself and others on www.justmommies.com message boards on and off for about 3 years now. Today, for the first time ever I was able to make myself a pink one! I am so pleased to announce I will no longer be the only girl in my home full of testosterone =] Does anyone know just how damn excited this makes me? Now I need some pretty little pictures of my daughter to make it extra special.. because, lets face it, ultrasound pictures are not very girly ;-]